A Bad Beginning: Part One/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "A Bad Beginning: Part One". Edit or add to this page, but remember all information should come directly from the original source. Any false information will be sent to The Daily Punctilio.

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Speaker	Dialogue
INT. TUNNELS
Match lit.
Lemony Snicket	If you are interested in stories with happy endings, then you would be better off somewhere else. In this story, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle. My name is Lemony Snicket. It is my solemn duty to bring to light the sorry history of the Baudelaire children as it happened so many years ago. But you in the audience have no such obligation, and I would advise all our viewers to turn away immediately and watch something more pleasant instead.
Lemony extinguishes the match and waits for the audience to leave. When they do not, he lights another.
Lemony Snicket	This story will be dreadful, melancholy, and calamitous, a word which here means "dreadful and melancholy." That is because not very many happy things happened in the lives of the Baudelaires.
TROLLEY - DAY
Lemony Snicket	Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were intelligent children. Charming and resourceful, they had pleasant facial features, but they were extremely unlucky. Most everything that happened to them was rife with misfortune, misery, and despair. I'm sorry to tell you this...
A fire truck passes by with a siren wailing.
Lemony Snicket	But that's how the story goes.
Violet Baudelaire	Briny Beach, please.
Lemony Snicket	The Baudelaire family lived in an enormous mansion at the heart of a dirty and busy city, and one day the parents rather unexpectedly asked their children to take a rickety trolley alone to the seashore.
Klaus Baudelaire	I wonder why Mother and Father didn't want to come with us.
Violet Baudelaire	Maybe they don't like this rickety trolley.
Lemony Snicket	"Rickety" is a word here which means "unsteady" or "likely to collapse at any moment."
EXT. BRINY BEACH
Trolleyman	Hey, kids! Aren't you going to the Festive Fun Fair, with all the jolly rides and games and snacks? "Festive" means "fun!"
Klaus Baudelaire	We know what "festive" means.
Violet Baudelaire	Thank you, but it's a perfect morning to go to the beach.
Trolleyman	It's gray and cloudy.
Violet Baudelaire	That's what makes it perfect.
Trolleyman	Suit yourself.
Lemony Snicket	When Briny Beach was hot and sunny, the seashore was crowded with tourists and it was impossible to find a good place to lay one's blanket. On gray and cloudy days, the Baudelaires had the beach more or less to themselves, so they could work together on their projects and experiments.
Violet Baudelaire	Are you ready?
Klaus Baudelaire	Let's get to work!
Violet Baudelaire	Do you think this will be as good as the mailbox?
Klaus Baudelaire	I think this will be even better than the mailbox.
Lemony Snicket	Violet Baudelaire was the eldest Baudelaire child. She was fourteen years old, right-handed, and had a real knack for inventing and building unusual devices.
FLASHBACK - BAUDELAIRE MANSION
Violet and Klaus look at a grandfather clock in the library.
Violet Baudelaire	I'm having a problem with the grandfather clock.
Klaus Baudelaire	Can you show me what the specific issues are?
Violet Baudelaire	See? It toasts the bread, but the minute hand falls behind five minutes.
Klaus Baudelaire	It could be a problem with the gears.
Violet Baudelaire	That'd be disappointing, I made them myself.
EXT. BRINY BEACH
Lemony Snicket	When Violet Baudelaire tied her hair up like that, it was a sure sign that the pulleys, levers, and gears of her inventing mind were working at top speed.
Violet Baudelaire	Klaus, at what angle are the prevailing currents?
Klaus Baudelaire	The angle of the prevailing currents are .524965224.
Lemony Snicket	Klaus Baudelaire was the middle child and only boy. He was a little older than twelve and wore glasses, which made him look intelligent.
Klaus Baudelaire	Of course, we still need the right projectile.
Lemony Snicket	He was intelligent.
FLASHBACK - BAUDELAIRE MANSION
Klaus Baudelaire	Violet, I'm not sure I understand this passage of Proust.
Violet Baudelaire	Could you read it to me?
Klaus Baudelaire	"Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind."
Violet Baudelaire	It could be the translation.
Klaus Baudelaire	Maybe it makes more sense in the original French.
EXT. BRINY BEACH
Violet Baudelaire	Sunny, do we have the right projectile?
Lemony Snicket	Sunny Baudelaire was an infant, a word which here means "a person of the age at which one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks," so most people had trouble understanding what she was saying.
Sunny Baudelaire	Can you find a rock that's not sandstone?
Lemony Snicket	What Sunny lacked in communication skills, however, she made up for with the size and sharpness of her four teeth.
Violet Baudelaire	That's perfect, Sunny. Thank you.
Klaus Baudelaire	Excuse me, Violet, but why are you using your left hand?
Violet Baudelaire	I'm curious to see if I can skip the rock as far with my left as I can with my right.
Klaus Baudelaire	I don't mean to criticize, but the standard scientific method calls for stable systematics. You should use your standard right-handedness.
Violet Baudelaire	That does seem reasonable.
Sunny Baudelaire	I agree.
Violet Baudelaire	Klaus, what's that thing Einstein said?
Klaus Baudelaire	"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science."
Violet Baudelaire	And what's that thing James Brown said?
Klaus Baudelaire	"I got something that makes me want to shout."
Lemony Snicket	" I've got something that tells me what it's all about."
Violet Baudelaire and Klaus Baudelaire	"I'm super bad!"
Violet Baudelaire	It worked!
Klaus Baudelaire	I never expected otherwise.
Lemony Snicket	Yes, the invention worked. This would be a perfect time to leave and pretend the rest of the story was just as happy and successful.
Violet Baudelaire	I just wish Mother and Father had seen it.
Klaus Baudelaire	It's not like them to send us off on our own so unexpectedly.
Lemony Snicket	Certainly, I wish I could go back and change the history of the Baudelaires at this very moment rather than the descent into misery, tribulation, and... dire inconvenience that will occur shortly.
Sunny Baudelaire	Who's that mysterious figure?
Klaus Baudelaire	It only seems scary because of all the mist.
Violet Baudelaire	It's Mr. Poe
Klaus Baudelaire	From the bank? What's he doing here?
Violet Baudelaire	How do you do?
Klaus Baudelaire	How do you do?
Sunny Baudelaire	How do you do?
Arthur Poe	Fine, thank you.
Violet Baudelaire	It's a nice day.
Arthur Poe	It is a nice day. I have some very bad news for you children. Your parents have perished in a terrible fire.
Violet's rock drops to the sand.
Arthur Poe	They perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home. I'm very, very sorry to have to tell you this... my dears. "Perished" means "killed."
Klaus Baudelaire	We know what "perished" means.
Arthur Poe	(to Sunny) Hey.
INT. TUNNELS
Lemony Snicket	I have spent months of research and years crying myself to sleep, trying to discover the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire. But... all my associates and I have managed to learn is that neither the official fire department nor the volunteer fire department arrived in time to stop the blaze. And within moments, the entire Baudelaire mansion was engulfed in flames.
INT. BURNT BAUDELAIRE MANSION - DAY
Lemony Snicket	It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost somebody very important to you, then you already know how it feels. And if you haven't... you cannot possibly imagine it.
Arthur Poe	I've never been through anything like this myself, but I can imagine just how you feel. I did think you'd want to see what remains of your home, even though it is... more or less, um...
Violet Baudelaire	It's all gone.
Arthur Poe	I just want to assure you Baudelaires that you have absolutely nothing...
Klaus Baudelaire	We have absolutely nothing.
Arthur Poe	...to worry about.
Sunny Baudelaire	What's that?
Arthur Poe	I am the executor of your parent's estate, which means I'll be handling all matters concerning everything they left behind.
Violet Baudelaire	What did they leave behind?
Arthur Poe	Financial security. Your parents left behind an enormous fortune, which will be yours when Violet comes of age. Until then, you will be placed with the proper guardian, or guardians, as decided by myself and my fellow bankers at Mulctuary Money Management.
INT. POE'S CAR
Arthur Poe	Say goodbye, Baudelaires.
Violet Baudelaire	Goodbye.
Arthur Poe	Until we've identified your designated guardian, you'll stay with my family. That's not so bad, is it, Baudelaires? I'm sure you'll become fast friends with Edgar and Albert.
INT. POE KITCHEN
Edgar Poe	It's a raven!
Albert Poe	It's a crow.
Edgar Poe	It's a raven!
Albert Poe	It's a crow!
Eleanora Poe	It's chicken. Boiled chicken. And we have boiled potatoes and blanched string beans.
Albert Poe	What does "blanched" mean?
Klaus Baudelaire	It means "boiled."
Albert Poe	Nobody asked you.
Arthur Poe	Now, now, son.
Eleanora Poe	No, my darling, Albert is right. Nobody asked the Baudelaires. But, honey, look!
Arthur Poe	Dearest, maybe not in front of the children.
Eleanora Poe	But I thought it would cheer them up, the little Gloomy Guses. I had my star reporter write an article for the front page so that everyone would know your home was destroyed and you're orphans now. The front page! Some people wait a lifetime for that. And darling, look... you're mentioned, too!
Arthur Poe	"Generosity shown by a prominent member of the banking community."
Eleanora Poe	If your bosses at the bank see this, it may spell P-R-O-M-A-T-I-O-N!
Arthur Poe	Promation?
Eleanora Poe	Promotion!
Arthur Poe	No, that's not how you spell "promotion."
Eleanora Poe	Promotion! P-R-O-
Arthur Poe	P-R-O-M-A-E-O...
Eleanora Poe	P-R-R... Honey, P-R-R...
Arthur Poe	See? I've been saying it... I'm sorry.
Eleanora Poe	Listen to what I'm saying before you start speaking! P-R-O...
Klaus Baudelaire	I don't... feel very hungry. May we go to our rooms?
Arthur Poe	Rooms?
INT. EDGAR AND ALBERT'S ROOM - NIGHT
Arthur Poe	Goodnight Edgar!
Eleanora Poe	Goodnight Albert!
Arthur Poe	Goodnight Albert!
Eleanora Poe	Goodnight Edgar! And good night, guests. You must feel terrible, and you must miss your parents very much.
Violet Baudelaire	We do.
Eleanora Poe	You do what? Say it.
Klaus Baudelaire	We feel terrible, and we miss our parents very much.
Eleanora Poe	That's gonna make a wonderful headline.
Arthur Poe	Goodnight, Baudelaires. Remember, our home is your home.
Eleanora Poe	But don't touch anything.
Edgar Poe	How'd you do it?
Violet Baudelaire	Do what?
Edgar Poe	Set the fire.
TRANS. OUTSIDE POE HOME - DAY
Lemony Snicket	In the years since, I've inquired what became of the Brothers Poe. One followed his father into the world of banking. The other lives in a cave and talks to sheep. They each think the other has it better. I regret to inform you, the Baudelaires' fate was worse.
Arthur Poe	Chop-chop, Baudelaires! Now that I've found you a suitable guardian, I'm going to take you to your new home before banking hours begin.
INT. POE'S CAR
Arthur Poe	I know you must be nervous about living with a guardian. I remember how I was when I was your age.
Klaus Baudelaire	We're all different ages.
Arthur Poe	Well, I should think at least a fraction of your unhappiness will turn to excitement when you meet this man. I know he's certainly very eager to meet you. And he's employed as an actor, so you know his excitement is genuine. His name is Count Olaf.
Violet Baudelaire	Never heard of him.
Arthur Poe	He's either... Let's see. What is it? Your third cousin fourth time removed, or your fourth cousin three times removed. In any case, he's removed. Still, he's only three miles away, and your parents' will was very specific about your being raised by your closest living relative.
Klaus Baudelaire	Does he really think that's what "closest living relative" means?
Violet Baudelaire	Mr. Poe?
Arthur Poe	Hmm?
Violet Baudelaire	If he lives so close by, why didn't our parents ever invite him over?
Arthur Poe	Possibly because he was very busy. As a banker, I'm often very busy myself. Which is why this guardian drop-off is going to be a bit hasty. "Hasty" means "quickly," because I'm due at the bank soon.
Klaus Baudelaire	We know what "hasty" means.
EXT. JUSTICE STRAUSS'S HOUSE - DAY
Justice Strauss	Hello there! Salutations! Shalom! You must be the Baudelaire children!
Violet Baudelaire	Yes, I'm Violet Baudelaire, and this is my brother Klaus, and this is my sister, Sunny. And this is Mr. Poe, he's been arranging things for us.
Arthur Poe	Mulctuary Money Management. My name and title are on the card. Although I may be in line for a promotion, that might change.
Justice Strauss	Oh, well, I am Justice Strauss of the High Court. Forgive my not shaking hands, but as you can see, I am a mountain of parcels. I just bought a new toolkit because my food processor broke. Although I don't know who I think I'm kidding because I have no inventive or mechanical skill whatsoever. Then I treated myself to new file cards for my private library, and frankly, I don't have an acute literary sense. And then, to top it all off, I forgot to buy a new bread knife. It means I have no possible way of cutting up this baguette into bite-sized pieces, which is really unfortunate because I was gonna take the bread that was cut up with a white bean hummus...
Klaus Baudelaire	We'd be more than happy to be of assistance, Justice Strauss. My sister is very mechanically minded, and I'm quite adept at library science.
Sunny Baudelaire	I'd also be happy to help.
Violet Baudelaire	What my sister means is her teeth are perfect for slicing bread.
Justice Strauss	Well, how wonderful! How lucky am I to have such unusual children in my life?
Klaus Baudelaire	Are you Count Olaf's wife?
Justice Strauss	What? Oh! Oh, no! No. No. Goodness me, no. No, I don't even really know him that well. He's... he's just my neighbor. His house is over there.
PAN OVER... EXT. COUNT OLAF'S HOUSE
Arthur Poe	That's strange. He said specifically he was waiting very eagerly to get his hands on you.
Count Olaf	Oh. (practicing) "Hello." No. "Hello. Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello."
Olaf opens the door
Count Olaf	Hello, hello, hello, children. I am Count Olaf, the renowned actor, and your new guardian. You're welcome.
Violet Baudelaire	Thank you.
Count Olaf	You're welcome. Please, come in, and mind you wipe your feet on the mat so you don't track in any mud. And don't forget your enormous fortune!
TRANS. INT. COUNT OLAF'S PARLOR
Count Olaf	Welcome to my humble home, orphans. And... a man with a hat on.
Arthur Poe	Poe.
Count Olaf	Actually, I'm about to be rather wealthy. So if you'll excuse me...
Arthur Poe	No, we spoke on the phone. I'm from Mulctuary Money Management.
Count Olaf	Hmm. "Money" sounds familiar, but...
Arthur Poe	The bank. I'm from the bank.
Count Olaf	Ah, yes, the bank. Well, welcome to my humble home.
Arthur Poe	It does seem to need a little work.
Count Olaf	Well, I realize it's not as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion, but perhaps, children, with a bit of your money, we'll be able to fix it up and make it nicer.
Arthur Poe	Count Olaf, the Baudelaire fortune is not to be used for such matters. The Baudelaire Will is very specific as to how the children are to be raised in case of an unfortunate event.
Count Olaf	Ah, yes, the fire.
Arthur Poe	They're to be raised by their closest relative.
Count Olaf	That is I, Count Olaf.
Arthur Poe	And every cent of the Baudelaire fortune is locked up until Violet comes of age.
Count Olaf	Which one is Violet?
Arthur Poe	The eldest.
Count Olaf	Alright, then. Well, I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had.
Klaus Baudelaire	We had a father.
Count Olaf	Yes, I know. And a mother. Remarkable woman. Flammable. So, Poe, do I need to sign for them or something?
Arthur Poe	What? No. No.
Count Olaf	Well, then, as we say in the theater, exit stage right.
Arthur Poe	Goodbye, Violet. Goodbye, Klaus. Goodbye, Sunny. I hope you'll be happy here. I'll still check in on you occasionally. If you need anything or have questions, you can reach me at the bank.
Count Olaf	Well, children, before I give you a tour of your new home, aren't you going to say "How do you do?" to your new guardian?
Violet Baudelaire	How do you do?
Count Olaf	How do I do? Better and better, Baudelaires. Better and better.
Lemony Snicket	The dreadful villainy of this vile fiend has haunted me since I first met him as a young man. And every night when I continue my work on the Baudelaire case, I find myself weeping thinking of his utter wickedness and severe lack of theatrical talent.
Count Olaf	Do you know what this is?
Klaus Baudelaire	It looks like a list.
Count Olaf	WRONG! It's a list. A list of chores. Rich brats like you are probably spoiled rotten and have never done a chore in your life.
Violet Baudelaire	Actually, we often help around the house.
Count Olaf	Really? Did you help around the house? That's great. Well, welcome to your lucky life. Come with me, and I'll show you the delightful features of your home.
INT. OLAF'S KITCHEN
Count Olaf	This is the kitchen, where you may help yourselves to meals. I expect you to keep everything gleamingly clean.
Violet Baudelaire	"Gleamingly."
Count Olaf	Clean. The stove is a bit like a servant. You have to whack it sometimes to get it to work.
INT. COUNT OLAF'S LIBRARY
Count Olaf	This is the library, which you will keep well-dusted. This is where I do all my reading.
TRANS. OTHER ROOMS
Count Olaf	I don't use the ballroom at all. You'll have to redo the floors.
Count Olaf	Laundry room. You can hang my underwear on that rack when you're done washing it.
Count Olaf	This is the backyard, which needs weeding, mowing, and pruning. It is also where you will chop wood.
Count Olaf	Bathroom number seven, the only one you are allowed to use. It has all the usual amenities, though the management regrets to inform you that the shampoo is not tear-free. If anything, it encourages tears. Rats bite.
INT. ATTIC
Count Olaf	And this is where you will sleep, orphans. Out of all the numerous bedrooms in this enormous mansion, I have chosen this one for your safety and comfort.
Klaus Baudelaire	There's only one bed.
Count Olaf	As you can see, I have provided, at no cost to you, this complimentary pile of rocks. Thoughts?
Klaus Baudelaire	Thoughts? First of all-
Violet Baudelaire	First of all, first impressions are often wrong.
Count Olaf	Very true. For example, your first impression of me may be that I am a terrible person. But in time, Baudelaires, I hope you'll come to realize... you haven't the faintest idea. I'll give you a moment to unpack.
Violet Baudelaire	It's okay, Sunny, he's gone.
Klaus Baudelaire	He's horrible. Did you see the tattoo on his ankle?
Violet Baudelaire	A tattoo is just a decorative pigment on the skin. It's not a sign of a wicked person.
Klaus Baudelaire	Unless it's on a wicked person. How could our parents put us here?
Violet Baudelaire	It's just a mistake. It'll get sorted out. Until then, we'll make this our home.
Klaus Baudelaire	Mother used to say, "Home is where you hang your hat." But we don't have any hats. Just rocks.
Violet Baudelaire	Klaus, have you read any books on people who make homes in difficult places?
Klaus Baudelaire	There's a village in the Pacific Islands suspended on ropes above an active volcano.
Violet Baudelaire	How do they manage?
Klaus Baudelaire	They own very little in case it erupts.
Violet Baudelaire	Then we're already one step ahead. We own nothing.
Klaus Baudelaire	If they can survive that, we can survive Count Olaf.
Count Olaf	Showtime!
INT. COUNT OLAF'S BATHROOM
Count Olaf	Remember, if you work extra hard, you get to go to the ball... room, which is even grimier. Hang on to your toothbrushes. You'll need them for your teeth.
Doorbell rings
Count Olaf	Stay here. And not a peep.
INT/EXT. COUNT OLAF'S FRONT PORCH
Count Olaf	You're a little old for a Girl Scout.
Justice Strauss	I'm Justice Strauss.
Count Olaf	Doesn't ring a bell.
Justice Strauss	I'm your neighbor. I... I live across the street.
Count Olaf	You've done something different to your hair?
Justice Strauss	May I come in?
Count Olaf	Is this about the children? I apologize for the noise. I told them to cry using their inside voices.
Justice Strauss	What?
Count Olaf	Hmm?
Justice Strauss	I... I just thought I'd stop by and see how they're doing. I know it's a little soon, but I'm about to become very busy with a difficult case in the High Court. I'm not supposed to talk about it, but I can tell you that it involved an illegal use of someone's credit card and a poisonous plant. I made them this lamb.
Count Olaf	How neighborly.
Justice Strauss	I don't mean to seem like a lonely woman who's overinvested in the lives of someone else's children...
Count Olaf	You do have that aura.
Justice Strauss	Perhaps if I just pop in for a quick hello...
Count Olaf	Now is not a good time. They're in one of their moods.
Justice Strauss	They seemed so sweet.
Count Olaf	Do you have children, Justice Strauss?
Justice Strauss	Me? Oh, no. No. No, I always hoped I would, but I'm married to the law, and you can't very well have book babies... now, can you?
Count Olaf	Well, you dodged a bullet. Let me tell you, those children are monsters. I open my home to them, and all they do is complain. "The bathroom is filthy. The rat is noisy. The bed is cramped." I think living in a mansion has spoiled them.
Justice Strauss	Well, they did just lose their... did you say "bed"?
Count Olaf	I meant "bed" as in "more than one bed," obviously. The plural of "bed" is... "bed."
Justice Strauss	Well, I wouldn't know. I live alone.
Count Olaf	No kidding.
Justice Strauss	At least give them the lamb. I made my own mint jelly and... please, just ask them if they'd like to see me.
Count Olaf	Fine. But wait here, for your safety. They tend to throw things.
INT. COUNT OLAF'S BATHROOM
Count Olaf	You missed a spot.
INT/EXT. COUNT OLAF'S FRONT PORCH
Justice Strauss	Oh!
Count Olaf	They don't want to see you.
Justice Strauss	Are you sure? What did they say?
Count Olaf	"The lamb was too salty." Rich kids.
Justice Strauss	Oh... I see.
Lemony Snicket	If only Justice Strauss had been able to get past Count Olaf if only she'd seen the children in their horrible circumstances, if only this world weren't such a wicked and topsy-turvy place... this story might have turned out differently.
INT. ATTIC
Klaus Baudelaire	I never wanna use a toothbrush again.
Count Olaf	Why aren't you cleaning? My list was very specific.
Violet Baudelaire	We finished it.
Count Olaf	No, you didn't.
Klaus Baudelaire	We even washed your underwear.
Count Olaf	You missed one. You still have to prepare a large meal for myself and my theater troupe.
Violet Baudelaire	We don't know how to prepare a large dinner.
Count Olaf	Plan the menu, purchase the ingredients, prepare the food, set the table, serve dinner, clean up afterward, and stay out of our way.
Klaus Baudelaire	How can we purchase anything? We don't have any money.
Count Olaf	Do you know what that is?
Violet Baudelaire	Something greasy.
Count Olaf	Money. Hard-earned money. The most important substance on earth besides applause and lip balm. Since the bossy banker won't let us use any of your parents' enormous fortune, I am now forced to cough up my earnings from theatrical performances and the occasional bit of consulting work. Now... quick. Get a move on. The troupe will be here at 7:00. And in the meantime, I will be up in... can you guess?
Klaus Baudelaire	Your secret tower room?
Count Olaf	WRONG! My secret tower room. Which you are forbidden to go into. Understood? Forbidden!
Violet Baudelaire	Forbidden.
Count Olaf	That's... yes.
Sunny Baudelaire	That was dismaying.
Klaus Baudelaire	How are we supposed to make dinner for an entire theater troupe?
Violet Baudelaire	We start with a recipe. Do you think Justice Strauss's library has any cookbooks?
INT/EXT. JUSTICE STRAUSS'S HOUSE
Justice Strauss	Baudelaires. I wasn't expecting to see you.
Violet Baudelaire	We meant to come sooner. We've been cleaning.
Justice Strauss	Yes, Count Olaf told me you were very particular about that. I hope you appreciate how much he's doing for you.
Klaus Baudelaire	I wouldn't say "much."
Justice Strauss	Well, perhaps not compared to what you're used to. What can I do for you?
Violet Baudelaire	Actually, Justice Strauss, we really need your help.
Justice Strauss	You do?
Klaus Baudelaire	My sisters and I were wondering...
Justice Strauss	Wondering what?
Klaus Baudelaire	If we might use your library.
Justice Strauss	If you might use my library. Is there any book you're looking for in particular?
Violet Baudelaire	A cookbook, so we can make dinner.
Justice Strauss	I suppose anything but lamb. Well, my private library is open to you whenever you'd like. It's mostly law books, but there are sections on everything from Italian cuisine to the world's most threatening fungus.
INT. JUSTICE STRAUSS'S LIBRARY
Justice Strauss	I suppose it's not as nice as the libraries you're used to, but...
Violet Baudelaire	It's marvelous.
Klaus Baudelaire	It's wonderful.
Justice Strauss	Do you really think so?
Sunny Baudelaire	Magnificent.
Violet Baudelaire	That means she likes it.
Justice Strauss	Well, I'm so glad. The cookbooks are over there in Section G, and right here is my favorite table for serious research. Do you have a paper and pencil to take notes?
Klaus Baudelaire	Always.
Justice Strauss	What's that?
Klaus Baudelaire	It's something my parents had.
Justice Strauss	What is it?
Klaus Baudelaire	I don't know.
Justice Strauss	Hmm. Something, Klaus Baudelaire, is ringing a very faint bell. A library is like an island in a vast sea of ignorance. Don't you agree?
Klaus Baudelaire	I do. Particularly if the library is tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.
Justice Strauss	That's a very good point.
Violet Baudelaire	These books look promising.
Justice Strauss	Klaus, help your sister. Let me see what I can find here.
Violet Baudelaire	I think I found something. Pasta Puttanesca.
Klaus Baudelaire	I wonder what that means in Italian.
Violet Baudelaire	All we have to do is sauté garlic and onions in a pot and then add olives, capers, anchovies, diced parsley, and tomatoes to simmer.
Klaus Baudelaire	We still need the pasta.
Violet Baudelaire	I saw a pasta machine in Count Olaf's kitchen. Looked broken, but I think I can fix it.
Justice Strauss	What do we have here?
Violet Baudelaire	Justice Strauss?
Justice Strauss	Yes?
Violet Baudelaire	Is there a supermarket nearby?
Justice Strauss	Oh, no. But there is a local open-air market and gin distillery.
TROLLEY - DAY
Violet Baudelaire	Thanks again for taking us. I don't know what we would have done without you.
Justice Strauss	Oh, you're resourceful children. I daresay you would have thought of something. I think it's nice that you're cooking dinner for Count Olaf and your new theatrical family. I had dreams of becoming an actress, you know. An actress and a mother, instead of ending up as a world-renowned member of the judiciary and in a series of strained platonic relationships.
The trolley passes by Briny Beach. The children look at it sadly.
Justice Strauss	Baudelaires. I always find cooking for a family to be something of a mitzvah. Do you know what that means?
Klaus Baudelaire	Commandment?
Justice Strauss	Blessing. You children have had such sorrow in your lives already, you deserve the blessing of a new family with Count Olaf, and, if you don't mind my saying so... with me.
Klaus Baudelaire	We don't mind your saying so.
INT. COUNT OLAF'S PARLOR
Violet Baudelaire	Klaus, what's that thing James Brown said?
Count Olaf	"I feel good."
MUS - "IT'S THE COUNT"
Count Olaf	And a one, and a two, and a...
Troupe	It's the Count, it's the Count, it's the Count! It's the Count, it's the Count, it's the Count!
Count Olaf	Who else has such robust good looks in such a large amount? I'm handsome and I'm talented and love your bank account!
Troupe	It's the Count, it's the Count, it's the Count! It's the Count, it's the Count, it's the Count!
Count Olaf	The-
Count Olaf and Troupe	C!
Count Olaf	Is for "courageous", just another word for brave!
Count Olaf and Troupe	O!
Count Olaf	"Oh, my God, what a very handsome knave."
Count Olaf and Troupe	U!
Count Olaf	Unbelievable good looks and brains and heart!
Count Olaf and Troupe	N!
Count Olaf	For the Knowledge, cause I'm very, very smart.
Count Olaf and Troupe	T!
Count Olaf	For the talent, which is such a crucial factor When you're handsome and good-looking and the world's greatest actor!
Troupe	It's the Count, it's the Count, it's the Count! It's the Count, it's the Count, it's the Count!
Count Olaf	Who else has such robust good looks in such a large amount? I'm handsome and I'm talented and love your bank account!
Troupe	It's the Count, it's the Count, it's the Count! It's the Count, it's the Count...
Count Olaf and Troupe	It's the Count!
The children stand in confused silence.
Count Olaf	The Count!
Violet Baudelaire	Yes, we've met.
Count Olaf	Orphans... this is my theater troupe.
Hook-Handed Man	Hi.
Bald Man	Hi.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	Hi.
White-Faced Women	Hello.
Count Olaf	And as anyone in the theater knows, after a grand entrance, the audience is supposed to applaud.
Hook-Handed Man	"Applaud" means go like this. (claps hooks together)
Klaus Baudelaire	We're not an audience.
Count Olaf	No, orphans, you are not. But we have been preparing an exciting new production that, on opening night, will change your life. All of the artistic and financial aspects of my career are finally coming together like two pieces of bread in the middle of a sandwich.
Sunny Baudelaire	Bread goes on the outside of a sandwich.
Klaus Baudelaire	What my sister means is that...
Count Olaf	I don't care what she means. I don't have time to learn a second language besides whatever it is I'm speaking right now. In any case... we demand congratulations.
Violet Baudelaire and Klaus Baudelaire	(uncertainly) Congratulations?
Count Olaf	A big round of applause.
Klaus bangs his grocery bags together.
Count Olaf	And the delicious meal that you promised myself and my troupe.
Sunny Baudelaire	We need a few minutes, you scoundrel.
Count Olaf	You know, every time she talks, it's like the tines of a fork are being jammed into my eye...
Violet Baudelaire	What my sister means is, "Dinner will be served shortly."
Count Olaf	What are we supposed to do until then?
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	We could wait patiently.
Bald Man	How about some wine, Olaf?
First White-Faced Woman	Yes, yes, wine. We had that nice rosé last time.
Second White-Faced Woman	It wasn't rosé, it was just watered down.
Count Olaf	Okay, fine. I'll open up a box of the Merlot. (pronounced phonetically)
INT. COUNT OLAF'S KITCHEN
Lemony Snicket	An associate of mine named Brillat-Savarin famously said, "To invite people to dine with us is to make ourselves responsible for their well-being as long as they are under our roofs." But he was an 18th-century philosopher and gourmand... and these were three children with very little catering experience. Nevertheless, the Baudelaire orphans snapped into action.
Violet Baudelaire	This pasta maker reminds me of the one built by Thomas Jefferson.
Klaus Baudelaire	Will it work?
Violet Baudelaire	It will now.
Klaus Baudelaire	I wonder if Count Olaf's troupe will enjoy this meal.
Violet Baudelaire	Mother said that actors will eat anything.
Klaus Baudelaire	You've seen them perform. Would you call them actors?
Violet Baudelaire	They're all as talented as Count Olaf.
Lemony Snicket	While they waited for the pasta to boil, Violet sautéed the garlic, and washed and chopped the anchovies. Klaus peeled the tomatoes and pitted the olives. And Sunny banged on a pot with a wooden spoon, singing a rather repetitive song she had written herself.
Sunny Baudelaire	(singing gibberish as she bangs on a pot)
Lemony Snicket	By the time it was time for the youngest Baudelaire to chop the parsley with her teeth... all three children felt less miserable than they had since they first came to Count Olaf's.
Violet Baudelaire	I think Dad would be proud of this sauce.
Klaus Baudelaire	And I think Mom would be proud of how you made your own pasta.
Violet Baudelaire	Maybe we can make this our home after all. Remember what Father said when he burnt the quesadillas?
Klaus Baudelaire	Yeah. "Better than nothing."
INT. DINING ROOM
Count Olaf	At times like these, surrounded by colleagues and cohorts, gathered in fellowship for the purpose of plotting theater, there's an eternal question that always springs to mind... when are we going to eat?
Klaus Baudelaire	Dinner is served.
Bald Man	Wow, that was quick.
Hook-Handed Man	And it smells delicious. I mean- erm-
Count Olaf	As I was saying before the help interrupted... there is no "I" in acting... no selfish urges, no arrogance, no ego, no vanity, no dangerous overabundance of inflated self-regard. There is only what the French call a certain... "escargot."
Hook-Handed Man	Mmm-hmm.
Count Olaf	It is the first burst of applause when the curtain rises. The second burst of applause when the leading man glides out from the wings faces his crowd, and recites the...
Bald Man	Soliloquy?
Count Olaf	I'm... that's... his Soliloquy. It is the thrill of the 14th mandatory standing ovation. I give and I give to my public just as I give and I give to these orphans. But sometimes, and every actor does this, I ask myself, "Is it worth it? Is it really worth it to chase an enormous fortune?"
Hook-Handed Man	Uh, uh, um, Boss... (gestures to the Baudelaires)
Count Olaf	Where's the roast beef?
Violet Baudelaire	What?
Count Olaf	The roast beef.
Violet Baudelaire	We didn't make any "roast beef." We made puttanesca sauce.
Klaus Baudelaire	And homemade pasta.
Count Olaf	What? No roast beef?
Klaus Baudelaire	You didn't tell us you wanted roast beef.
Count Olaf	Look at my guests! They... they can hardly touch this revolting foreign food! In agreeing to adopt you, I became your father. And as your father, I am not someone to be trifled with.
Hook-Handed Man	You can't go easy on children. They need to be taught to obey their elders.
First White-Faced Woman	You asked them to make dinner.
Second White-Faced Woman	And all they did was slap together some disgusting sauce.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	That's what happens with wealthy kids. Money is a corrupting influence.
Count Olaf	Well, let's not get carried away.
Bald Man	Hmm. You're a pretty little one.
Count Olaf	I demand that you serve roast beef to myself and my guests!
Violet Baudelaire	We don't have any! We made pasta puttanesca.
Sunny Baudelaire	And chocolate pudding for dessert.
Count Olaf grabs Sunny Baudelaire
Violet Baudelaire	Sunny!
Klaus Baudelaire	Put her down...
Count Olaf
Sunny Baudelaire	{cries)
Violet Baudelaire	Let her go!
Count Olaf	Oh, oh! This table is a mess. There's hardly a place to put down a baby.
Violet Baudelaire	Sunny!
Count Olaf	We're leaving for rehearsals.
Hook-Handed Man	But the baby said there was chocolate pudding!
Bald Man	Shh!
Count Olaf	You children are to clean the table, wash the dishes, polish the silver, and rinse out all the wine bottles for recycling. And then you are to go straight to your beds.
Klaus Baudelaire	You mean our bed? You've only provided us with one bed.
Count Olaf	If you want another bed, tomorrow you may go into town and purchase one.
Klaus Baudelaire	You know perfectly well we haven't any money.
Count Olaf	Hmm, of course, you do. You three lucky orphans are inheriting an enormous fortune.
Klaus Baudelaire	The money our parents left behind is not to be used until Violet-
Count Olaf slaps Klaus to the ground.
Count Olaf	The theater awaits.
Violet Baudelaire	Are you alright?
Klaus Baudelaire	No! This isn't!
Violet Baudelaire	What?
Klaus Baudelaire	Better than nothing.
Lemony Snicket	There are many, many things that are better than nothing. A home-cooked meal is better than nothing. A roof over one's head is better than nothing. And a place to sleep, even if the bed is very small and the blanket damp with tears, is better than nothing. But being raised in a violent and sinister environment by a man more interested in one's fortune than comfort and well-being is not better than nothing. And as the Baudelaires would discover, there are some things that even a long night of introspection cannot change.
INT. TUNNELS
Lemony Snicket	The Baudelaire orphans knew they had to find a way out of their dreadfully unfortunate circumstances, and, perhaps, solve the mystery of how they ended up in them. I have the same dedication to researching and presenting this story no matter what dangers it puts me in. Trouble and strife can cover this world like the dark of night, or like smoke from a suspicious fire. And when that happens... all good, true and decent people know that it's time to volunteer.
"Mother"	I'm worried about the children.
"Father"	Me, too. They're in danger, I know it.
"Mother"	We need to get to them.
"Father"	We need to get out of here first.
"Mother"	What's that thing Einstein said?