A Bad Beginning: Part Two/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "A Bad Beginning: Part Two". Edit or add to this page, but remember all information should come directly from the original source. Any false information will be sent to The Daily Punctilio.

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Speaker	Dialogue
INT. POE'S OFFICE - DAY
Arthur Poe	Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?
Lemony Snicket	Hello, my name is Lemony Snicket, and I'm sorry to say that the alleged entertainment you are watching is extremely unpleasant.
Arthur Poe	Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?
Lemony Snicket	From the beginning of this miserable tale to the last melancholy scene, I cannot think of a single line, a single word, that does not chill me to my deepest bones.
Arthur Poe	Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?
Lemony Snicket	However, the sad history of the Baudelaire orphans did not begin in the private, somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe at Mulctuary Money Management.
Arthur Poe	Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?
Lemony Snicket	Nor does their story begin on this gray and cloudy morning at Briny Beach, where the Baudelaire children, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny received terrible news.
Arthur Poe	Your parents have perished in a terrible fire.
Lemony Snicket	In fact, the tale of the Baudelaire orphans begins long before the fire which left the children with practically nothing to their names. Their story begins before their brief and unpleasant stay with the Poe family. It begins before the children meet Justice Strauss, a nice lady who, unfortunately, is not their guardian. And before the Baudelaire orphans were placed under the care of a terrible actor with a mysterious tattoo of an eye on his ankle, who made the Baudelaire orphans sleep in an awful room, do a series of difficult and irritating chores, and cook dinner for his disreputable and largely untalented theater troupe, resulting in an act of violence that ought not to be shown on-screen.
FLASHBACK - Count Olaf strikes Klaus Baudelaire in the face, his theater troupe gasps.
Lemony Snicket	"Why?" you may ask. Why did the Baudelaire orphans suffer through this series of unfortunate events? How did the resourceful and intelligent children of kindly and attentive parents end up in the care of Count Olaf? That answer, at least, can be found shortly after the fire that claimed the Baudelaire home. Inside the private, somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe at Mulctuary Money Management.
Arthur Poe	Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?
INT/EXT. OLAF'S CAR, PARKED OUTSIDE THE BANK
Count Olaf	Do you know what the question I'm asked the most is?
Hook-Handed Man	"Will you please leave the premises?"
Count Olaf	(mouths "No.") "Why do I do it?" "Count Olaf," they ask me, "why are you an actor? Why not a model, or a millionaire playboy? Why respond to the siren song that the Spanish call 'El Theater'?"
First White-Faced Woman	For fame and fortune?
Count Olaf	No.
Second White-Faced Woman	For standing ovation?
Count Olaf	No.
Hook-Handed Man	For the costumes!
Count Olaf	Where are the costumes?
Awkward silence.
Count Olaf	(shouting) Nobody brought the costumes?
More awkward silence.
Count Olaf	Stay in the car.
Bald Man	Can we listen to the radio?
Count Olaf	No.
Olaf moves across the street, stealing different costume pieces from passersby.
INT. MULCTUARY MONEY MANAGEMENT - JACQUELYN'S DESK
Jacquelyn Scieszka	(on the phone) Well, we've got to reach them. Try Peru. Well, keep trying. Yes, it's an emergency. I'm keeping an eye on things best I can, but... let me call you back.
Jacquelyn looks up at Count Olaf, in disguise as Yessica Haircut
Count Olaf (Yessica Haircut)	I have an appointment.
Jacquelyn Scieszka	Name?
Count Olaf looks at Poe's schedule, and sees a haircut listed.
Count Olaf (Yessica Haircut)	Haircut.
Jacquelyn Scieszka	Haircut?
Count Olaf (Yessica Haircut)	Yes...sica Haircut is my name.
Jacquelyn Scieszka	Yessica Haircut?
Count Olaf (Yessica Haircut)	Yes. Yessica...
Arthur Poe	(O.S.) Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?
Lemony Snicket	There are many police inspectors, concerned citizens and television executives who have expressed confusion as to how the Baudelaire orphans ended up in Count Olaf's so-called care. The scene you see behind me is called a flashback. That is a word which here means "taken place during the events of the last episode, shortly after the Baudelaire fire and during the Baudelaire children's unfortunate stay with the Poe family." I present it to you now in the hopes that the police inspectors, concerned citizens and television executives might finally leave me alone.
Olaf hands the file to an unsuspecting Mr. Poe, who doesn't even look up.
Count Olaf	Hello, banker man.
Mr. Poe finally looks up, thank God.
Count Olaf	The Baudelaire fire is precisely why I'm here.
Arthur Poe	File, not fire.
Count Olaf	I said file. Allow me to introduce myself, because, as you can see from my mole, we've never met before. As you can see from my coat, hat, and ascot, I'm here on business. As you can see from my sunglasses...
Olaf takes the sunglasses off.
Count Olaf	...It's bright out. I am here to consult with you on the Baudelaire will, for which I understand you are the executioner.
Arthur Poe	Executor.
Count Olaf	Person who controls people's fortunes after a terrible fire has just happened. My name i...
Just as Olaf gets into a fancy pose to announce his name, Jacquelyn appears in the doorway behind him. Olaf's expression changes.
Count Olaf (Yessica Haircut)	...is Yessica Haircut.
Arthur Poe	That's strange. I have an appointment for a haircut right now. Jacquelyn please cancel that haircut.
Jacquelyn Sciezska	Mr. Poe, there's an urgent matter-
Arthur Poe	No, no. I wanna hear what this man, "Haircut," has to say.
Olaf raises his eyebrow at Jacquelyn, who turns away to go out the door back to her desk. She opens a drawer and takes out her spyglass, then shutting the drawer with her knee in anger. She steps outside quickly, extending her spyglass so she can see far. She sees the car, and a few of Count Olaf's henchpeople wave to her. Then the Bald Man steps into view.
Bald Man	I'd like to make a withdrawal.
INT. POE'S OFFICE - STILL DAY
Arthur Poe	Well, I don't know, Mister-
Count Olaf	Count...
Arthur Poe	Count?
Count Olaf	(freezes) ...on me to tell you my name, which is Mr... (as Yessica Haircut) Yessica Haircut.
Arthur Poe	Well, Mr. Haircut, the Baudelaire will states very clearly what is to happen in the event of the untimely deaths of Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire. They are to be raised by their closest living relative, who appears to be a renowned scientist by the name of-
Count Olaf	It is one thing to listen to science, Mr. Banker Man.
Arthur Poe	Poe.
Count Olaf	It is another to listen to the advice of a consultant. And in my important actual consulting expertise business, the phrase "closest living relative" can mean only one thing... "Whoever lives nearby."
Arthur Poe	Really? You think so?
Count Olaf	I would stake my fortune on it. Or my name's not whatever it is I told you it was.
Arthur Poe	Well, in that case, we're going to need a map of the city.
Olaf dramatically pulls out a map.
Count Olaf	I think the person nearest to the Baudelaires is renowned actor and handsome man, Count Olaf.
Arthur Poe	Count... never heard of him.
Count Olaf	He's been favorably mentioned in theatrical reviews in several small magazines. H-his name is pronounced... "Count Olaf." And if I'm not mistaken, he lives right... right here.
Count Olaf points at his house on the map.
Arthur Poe	Is that really the closest?
Count Olaf	Yes, absolutely, for sure.
Arthur Poe	Jacquelyn, can you please bring me a very large ruler?
Count Olaf and Mr. Poe looks at each other.
Arthur Poe	Jacquelyn? Guess I'll get it myself.
Mr. Poe gets the large ruler.
Lemony Snicket	These events at Mulctuary Money Management resulted in unfortunate events far and near, from a woman trapped in a remote park...
EXT. PARK - DAY. JACQUELYN SCIESZKA IS TIED TO A TREE
Jacquelyn Scieszka	You'll never get away with this.
Bald Man	I already did get away with it.
Lemony Snicket	...to three orphans in horrifying circumstances, as our story resumes.
COUNT OLAF'S BACKYARD - DAY.
Count Olaf	Put some elbow grease into it!
Violet and Klaus Baudelaire are chopping wood.
Violet Baudelaire	Mr. Poe must have made a horrible mistake when he took us here. There’s no way our parents would’ve wanted us in Count Olaf’s care, if we can even call it that.
Klaus Baudelaire	As soon as Count Olaf’s back is turned, we need to leave this house. I’d rather take my chances on the streets than stay here any longer.
Violet Baudeaire	Who knows what would happen to us on the street? At least here we have a roof over our head.
Klaus Baudelaire	(sighs) I wish our parents’ money could be used now, instead of when you come of age.
Violet sighs.
Klaus Baudelaire	Then we could buy a castle and live in it, with armed guards patrolling outside to keep out Count Olaf and his troupe.
Violet Baudelaire	With a large inventing studio.
Klaus Baudelaire	(chuckles) And a library.
Sunny Baudelaire	And chewable objects.
Count Olaf	Hurry up, orphans. There’s reupholstering to be done.
Violet Baudelaire	Justice Strauss said her home was always open to us.
Klaus Baudelaire	She said her legal library was always open to us. It’s not the same thing.
Violet Baudelaire	Mr. Poe did say we could contact him if we had any questions.
Klaus Baudelaire	We don’t really have a question. We have a complaint.
Bald Man	Can I warm that up for you? And also give you some very bad news?
Count Olaf	What is it?
Bald Man	It’s that secretary-
Count Olaf	Shh! Not here.
A shot of the trolley heading into town. A bell dings, and then Mr. Poe coughs as...
INT. POE'S OFFICE - DAY
Arthur Poe	An emergency? (sighs) Very well, but I'm quite busy. My old secretary, a distinguished professional, who showed up without fail for many years, has vanished. I've hired an underemployed artist with no prior experience who needs the occasional day off for auditions and performances. Plus, I've already had to reschedule a haircut several times. What can I do for you?
Klaus Baudelaire	Count Olaf is a madman. We can't stay with him.
Violet Baudelaire	He struck Klaus across the face. See his bruise?
Phone rings.
Arthur Poe	Oh, excuse me. (answers the phone) Poe here. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely not. Thank you. (hangs up) I'm sorry. What were we talking about? Oh, yes, Count Olaf. I'm sorry you don't have a good first impression of him.
Klaus Baudelaire	He only provided us with one bed.
Violet Baudelaire	He makes us do a great many difficult chores.
Sunny Baudelaire	(Ee-bee.) He's a lush!
Arthur Poe	Excuse me. (answers phone) Poe here. Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. Anything but seven. You're welcome. (hangs up) Children, everyone, at some time in their life, wishes they were being raised by people different than the ones who were raising you. When I was a little boy, I would have given my eyeteeth to be raised by an actor.
Violet Baudelaire	He calls us orphans.
Arthur Poe	You are orphans.
Klaus Baudelaire	He has terrible friends.
Arthur Poe	I have terrible friends.
Sunny Baudelaire	(Ee-vee-bi-yi?) He's clearly after our fortune.
Arthur Poe	Speaking of not understanding a word someone is saying! (coughs) Baudelaires, are you familiar with the term "in loco parentis"?
Klaus Baudelaire	It sounds like Latin.
Arthur Poe	Latin and legal. "In loco parentis" means "acting in the role of a parent." It is a legal term and it applies to Count Olaf. The actor is acting as your parent. And as your legal guardian, Count Olaf may raise you using any method he sees fit. So I'm sorry if your parents didn't make you do household chores, or if you like their friends more than you like Count Olaf's friends, but there are certain things you must get used to. Now, I'm sorry if I have to usher you out posthaste, but I've got work to do. "Posthaste" means "very, very-"
Klaus Baudelaire	It means he'll do nothing to help us.
Arthur Poe	Oh, on the contrary, I'll have my new secretary give you a ride home as soon as he's finished typing up that report.
The Hook-Handed Man enters with his hook stuck in the typewriter.
Hook-Handed Man	I think we need to call the IT guy.
Klaus Baudelaire	That man works for Count Olaf!
Arthur Poe	He did say that Count Olaf was one of his professional contacts. It was good seeing you, Baudelaires.
Violet Baudelaire	We're not going back to Count Olaf's house! Look at Klaus's face!
Hook-Handed Man	Oh, no, no, no, orphans. Look at mine.
INT. DINING ROOM
Hook-Handed Man	Shall I let them off the hook?
Count Olaf	I spent all morning making these cupcakes for you.
Violet & Klaus Baudelaire	Thank you.
Sunny Baudelaire	They're store bought!
Count Olaf	Aren't raspberries delicious? They were my favorite berry when I was your age.
Violet Baudelaire	But we're all different ages.
Count Olaf slides across his table over to the Baudelaires.
Count Olaf	I want to talk to you about something. I recently received a call from Mr. Poe.
Violet Baudelaire	Is that so? I'm sorry Mr. Poe bothered you.
Count Olaf	I'm glad he did, because I want you three children to feel more at home here, now that I am your father. As you know, I have been working hard with my theater troupe, and I'm afraid I may have acted a bit standoffish.
Lemony Snicket	The word "standoffish" is a wonderful one, but it does not describe Count Olaf's behavior toward the children. "Standoffish" refers to a person who, for various reasons, is not associating with others. It is a word which might describe somebody who, during a party, might stand in a corner instead of talking to another person.
Jacquelyn Scieszka	Gustav? Jacquelyn here.
Lemony Snicket	It would not describe somebody who provides one bed for three people to sleep in, forces them to do horrible chores and strikes them across the face.
Count Olaf	Therefore…
Lemony Snicket	There are many words for people like that…
Count Olaf	to make you feel a little more at home here…
Lemony Snicket	…but “standoffish” isn’t one of them.
Count Olaf	I want you to participate in my next play.
Violet Baudelaire	Participate? How?
Count Olaf	The play is called The Marvelous Marriage, and is by the great playwright Al Funcoot. We will give only one performance, this Friday night. It tells the story of a very handsome and good-looking man, played by me. You, Klaus, and you, Sunny, will play two cheering people in the crowd.
Klaus Baudelaire	But we’re shorter than most adults. Won’t that look strange to the audience?
Count Olaf	You’ll be playing two midgets.
Violet Baudelaire	And what will I do? Build the sets?
Count Olaf	Build the sets? Oh, heavens, no.
Klaus Baudelaire	My sister is very good with tools.
Count Olaf	A pretty girl like you shouldn’t be working backstage.
Violet Baudelaire	But I’d like to.
Count Olaf	Sunny, Sunny, Sunny.
Violet Baudelaire	Violet?
Count Olaf	Violet, Violet, Violet. You will be playing the young woman I marry. It’s a very important role, although you only have one line, and I think you know what it is.
Violet Baudelaire	I don’t.
Count Olaf	No, no, no. It’s “I do”.
Violet Baudelaire	Count Olaf…
Count Olaf	What did you call me?
Violet Baudelaire	Father… I'm not sure I'm talented enough to perform professionally. I'd hate to disgrace your good name and the name of Al Funcoot. Plus, I'll be very busy the next few weeks working on my inventions.
Klaus Baudelaire	And learning to prepare roast beef.
Count Olaf	You will participate in my theatrical performance! I would prefer it if you participate voluntarily, but as I believe Mr. Poe has explained to you, I can act loco parentheses.
Klaus Baudelaire	In local parentis.
Count Olaf	Poco De Laurentiis.
Klaus Baudelaire	In local parentis.
Count Olaf	The point is, I can order you to participate, and you must obey. Now go talk to the woman in the wig. I can’t stand looking at you anymore.
INT. JUSTICE STRAUSS’S HOUSE
Klaus Baudelaire	Do you think he was trying to poison us with those raspberries?
Violet Baudelaire	He are them all. Besides, Count Olaf is after the fortune we will inherit. Killing us will do him no good.
Klaus Baudelaire	What good would it do to be in a performance of The Marvellous Marriage?
Lemony Snicket	Marriage is like sharing a root beer float, or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume. Even when it's happening onstage, you should only do it with the people you love. I have never been married myself. I once desperately loved a remarkably brave and bravely remarkable woman, who, when I asked her if she would be my wife, found, for complicated and unfathomable reasons, she could give me no answer.
Violet Baudelaire	No answer.
INT. JUSTICE STRAUSS’S LIBRARY
Justice Strauss	Baudelaires! I’m so happy to see you! Are you here to continue your research?
Klaus Baudelaire	Actually, Justice Strauss, we’re here to research something else. Do you have any books on the theatre?
Justice Strauss	Ah, the theatre. I see you’re settling in to having an actor for a guardian. I have quite the interest in theatre, you know. Learning lines and curtseying for the audience and wearing costumes. I would give up every last wig just to wear a costume.
Justice Strauss	Ah, local ordinances. Wait, are you sure? Even I don't like reading such books, and I work at the High Court.
Klaus Baudelaire	I'm actually considering a career in law. I find those books quite fascinating.
Justice Strauss	Well, to each his own. There are countless types of books in this world, which makes good sense because there are countless types of people. Sunny, would you like to come with me into the garden while your siblings tackle all this reading? Klaus, what's happened to your face?
Klaus Baudelaire	We’re trying to find out.
Justice Strauss	Well, I do have a section on rashes. It's right next to Chinese cars.
INT. COUNT OLAF’S HOUSE
White-faced Woman 1	Isn’t it beautiful, boss?
Count Olaf	No, no, no. It should be delicate, fetching! And a chiffon train rippling down like… like…
White-faced Woman 1	Like a waterfall.
White-faced Woman 2	Like an open wound.
Count Olaf	Exactly.
Bald Man	♪ Here comes Count Olaf, a bit of a show off. ♪
Count Olaf	What?
Bald Man	Nothing else rhymes with Count Olaf.
Count Olaf	There are plenty of things that rhyme with Count Olaf. Hmm.
Bald Man	Uhh.
Count Olaf	Rice pilaf.
Bald Man	Got it.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	I just think, even in changing context, that marriage is an inherently patriarchal construction that is likely to further the hegemonic juggernaut that's problematizing a lot of genders...
Count Olaf	Uh, hmm, "nuclear. Nudism. Nugget. Nuptial." Uh oh, gotta go.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	…on the planet and… are you leaving?
INT. JUSTICE STRAUSS’S LIBRARY
Klaus Baudelaire	Justice Strauss?
Justice Strauss	Yes?
Klaus Baudelaire	May I ask you something?
Justice Strauss	Certainly. Oh, there we go, sweet girl. Yes, as one legal scholar to another?
Klaus Baudelaire	"The only nuptial requirements are a statement of active acquiescence by both participants, utilising in loco parentis if necessary, and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand." Does that mean what I think it means?
Justice Strauss	Well, I suppose it depends upon what you think it means.
Count Olaf	It means you’re going to be a star!
Justice Strauss	Count Olaf!
Count Olaf	Please, call me your guardian actor. Justice Strauss, you are about to find your drab, legal beagle existence transformed into something mind-blowing, and yet extremely classy, when you become the exciting new face of the next Count Olaf production.
Justice Strauss	You mean…
Count Olaf	You have got the star quality necessary for a small walk-on role in Al Funcoot's new play.
Justice Strauss	I've wanted to be an actress since I was young. Although, my drama teacher told me my chances were slim because of my posture, and so I went into the law, but now...
Count Olaf	Now, you can see it. The curtain rises.
Justice Strauss	Curtains?
Count Olaf	The audience applauds!
Justice Strauss	Audience!
Count Olaf	And you walk onto stage, dressed as a judge.
Justice Strauss	A judge!
Count Olaf	It's a very important part, although you won't be listed in the program. You will stand in front of a very handsome man, played by me...
Justice Strauss	I get to share the stage with Count Olaf?
Count Olaf	…while a stunningly-costumed bride, played by Violet, stands beside me.
Justice Strauss	You are so lucky, Violet. All my life I wanted to be a bride, but it seems all the men I meet are intimidated by my law degree, or obsessed with model trains.
Count Olaf	A gorgeous bridal dress of my own design, while you perform the entire wedding ceremony, getting each and every word exactly right, while we sign a document which you shall bring from city hall for added realism.
Klaus Baudelaire	Justice Strauss, he's up to something.
Count Olaf	What I am up to is making Justice Strauss' dreams come true. You will suddenly find yourself in the enviable position of being a struggling actress in middle age.
Justice Strauss	It's almost too good to be true.
Klaus Baudelaire	It is. Justice Strauss, Count Olaf is...
Justice Strauss	Count Olaf is welcoming you into his life by making you an important part of this theatrical enterprise. Children, go. Go home. Spend some time with your new father.
Count Olaf leaves with the children.
Justice Strauss	Carpe diem!
Count Olaf	Seize the children!
Justice Strauss	Seize the day.
Count Olaf	I said day.
INT. COUNT OLAF’S HOUSE
Hook-handed Man	Boss, I have three kinds of butter cream icing here for you to sample. One's vanilla, one has a hint of nutmeg and the other's a little lemony.
Count Olaf	I told you never to say that word. Take these orphans upstairs to their bedroom until Friday. I have no use for them until then.
Hook-handed Man	Uh, except to cook dinner.
Count Olaf	We'll order takeout.
Violet Baudelaire	We're gonna find out just what you're up to, Count Olaf. We know you're just trying to steal our parents' fortune. We're gonna prove it.
Count Olaf	Let me eat cake.
Count Olaf eats the cakes.
Count Olaf	Oh, my.
The Hook-Handed Man pushes the Baudelaires into their small room.
Hook-Handed Man	Get into your pyjamas and say your prayers, unless you're atheists.
Violet Baudelaire	You can't just keep us in here.
Hook-handed Man	You know who always says that? Prisoners.
Klaus Baudelaire	Listen to us. Count Olaf is...
Hook-handed Man	No, no, no, no. You listen to me, little boy, and you listen very carefully. The only reason why Count Olaf hasn't torn you limb from limb is because he hasn't gotten a hold of your fortune. But you ask yourself this question, all of you: What reason would he have to keep you alive after he's got your money? What do you think will happen to you then?
Violet Baudelaire	This is terrible, terrible.
Klaus Baudelaire	Awful.
Violet Baudelaire	What's gonna happen?
Klaus Baudelaire	I don't know. But I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna stay up all night with a book.
Lemony Snicket	Klaus was not reading for his own enjoyment, but to try to rescue his siblings from a terrible predicament. The book was not at all interesting. The book was long and difficult. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. By night's end, Klaus had found out all he needed to know. His hopes rose with the dawn. Although, unfortunately... so did Count Olaf.
INT. DINING ROOM
Count Olaf	What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in your room.
Klaus Baudelaire	I was in my room all night, and I know what you're up to.
Count Olaf	Me? I'm just having my morning coffee, although I can't seem to find the sugar bowl.
Klaus Baudelaire	"The only nuptial requirements are a statement of active acquiescence by both participants, utilizing in loco parentis if necessary, and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand."
Count Olaf	If you use fancy-pants words first thing in the morning, you're going to end up a very lonely man.
Klaus Baudelaire	I figured out your scheme. You're not going to marry Violet figuratively. You're going to marry her literally.
Count Olaf	That's outrageous. I... Wait. Literally? Literally.
Klaus Baudelaire	You don't know the difference between figuratively and literally, do you?
Count Olaf	Uh…
INT. THEATRE
Lemony Snicket	It is very useful, whether one is young or in late middle age, to know the difference between literally and figuratively. "Literally" is a word which here means that something is actually happening, whereas "figuratively" is a word which means it just feels like it's happening. If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, that means that you are leaping through the air because you are very happy.
Woman	I'm leaping in the air because I'm very happy.
Lemony Snicket	If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means that you are so happy you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.
Man	I'm so happy I could jump for joy, but I'm saving my energy for other matters.
INT. DINING ROOM
Klaus Baudelaire	So literally would be an actual marriage, whereas figuratively would be marrying her for the purposes of theatrical entertainment.
Count Olaf	I knew that. I was testing you.
Klaus Baudelaire	If my sister says "I do" and signs a piece of paper while Justice Strauss is in the room, she's legally married. This play won't be pretend. It'll be real and legally binding.
Count Olaf	I wouldn't marry your sister if she were the last orphan on earth. A man like me can acquire any number of beautiful women who don't complain about doing their chores. What's in it for me?
Klaus Baudelaire	"A legal husband has titular and practical control over any relevant fiduciaries, resulting in aggregate financial dominion over any spousal holdings."
Count Olaf	I don't think a boy your age ought to be using the word "titular."
Klaus Baudelaire	If you became Violet's husband, you'd gain complete control over the Baudelaire fortune. But... "A prospective spouse must be chronologically sound and appropriate in regards to the age of consent according to prevailing community standards." My sister isn't old enough to get married, even if she wanted to.
Count Olaf	Tell me, bookworm... can you name me a language that was spoken by ancient Romans and is still spoken by very irritating people today?
Klaus Baudelaire	Latin.
Count Olaf	That's right. And can you translate the Latin phrase "in loco parentis"?
Klaus Baudelaire	”Acting in the role of parent."
Count Olaf	That's right. And that's me. You see, Violet can get married if she has the permission of her legal guardian. And she does. In fact... she has more than permission. She has enthusiasm.
Klaus Baudelaire	All the enthusiasm in the world won't get us to participate in your horrible plot! Mr. Poe will hear about this. Your play will not be performed, and you will go to jail!
Henchpeople	Here comes Count Olaf, throw the rice pilaf.
Count Olaf	Sorry to interrupt, everyone, but that brave and clever boy with the horrible glasses has just figured out our dastardly plan.
Henchpeople	Oh!
Count Olaf	Yes. Thanks to his stupendous library book, the orphans have achieved a grand victory over our evil ways.
White-Faced Woman 2	Oh no.
White-Faced Woman 1	Whatever will we do?
White-Faced Woman 2	I suppose we will go to jail.
White-Faced Woman 1	For a very long time.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	I guess that proves reading really is fundamental.
Count Olaf	Violet, do you think your booky little brother is very brave and clever?
Violet Baudelaire	His work speaks for itself.
Klaus Baudelaire	Count Olaf wants to marry you for real, while you and Justice Strauss and everyone else thinks it's just a play.
Violet Baudelaire	But I'm not old enough to get married.
Klaus Baudelaire	You can with the permission of your legal guardian.
Violet Baudelaire	In loco parentis. We have to get Sunny and get out of this wretched place.
Violet and Klaus Baudelaire	Sunny. Sunny, wake up.
Violet Baudelaire	Where is she?
Count Olaf	Where is she indeed? It certainly is so strange to find a child missing, and one so small, so helpless. When did you see her last?
Violet Baudelaire	What have you done with Sunny?
Count Olaf	Here, Sunny, Sunny. Where are you, girl? Did you hear that? It came from outside.
Violet Baudelaire	Sunny?
Count Olaf	Oh, you're not looking in the right place. For children who read so much, you two are remarkably unintelligent.
Violet Baudelaire	She’s not here.
Count Olaf	Oh, don't look so down. I'd say things are looking up. Up.
Klaus Baudelaire	Oh, no.
Violet Baudelaire	Let her go. She's done nothing to you.
Klaus Baudelaire	She’s an infant.
Count Olaf	Well, if you really want me to let her go, I will. But even a stupid brat like you might realize that if I let her go, or more accurately, if I have my comrade let her go...
Hook-Handed Man	Hi!
Count Olaf	Sunny might not survive the fall to the ground. That's a 30-foot tower, which is a very long way for a very small person to fall, even when she's inside a cage. But if you insist.
Klaus Baudelaire	No, don't!
Violet Baudelaire	Please, she’s just a baby. We'll do anything, anything. Just don't harm her.
Count Olaf	Anything? Anything? Would you, for instance, consider marrying me during tomorrow night's performance?
Violet Baudelaire	I would never, ever marry you.
Count Olaf	Children... your sister is like a stick behind a stubborn mule.
Klaus Baudelaire	My sister's not a stick.
Count Olaf	Any animal owner will tell you that a stubborn mule will move toward the carrot because it wants the reward of food... and away from the stick because it wants to avoid the punishment of rump pain. Likewise, you will do what I say, to avoid the punishment of the loss of your sister. And because you want the reward of a charming husband. Come now. Would it be so terrible to be my bride, to live in my house for the rest of your life? You're such a lovely girl. After the wedding, I wouldn't dispose of you like your brother and sister.
Violet Baudelaire	If you let Sunny go, I will marry you.
Count Olaf	Mazel tov. I will let Sunny go after tomorrow night's performance. Until then, she will remain in the tower room for safekeeping. That is all.
Klaus Baudelaire	You’re a terrible man.
Count Olaf	I may be a terrible man, but I have concocted a foolproof way of getting your fortune. What have you done?
Jacquelyn Sciezka	I wish I had an inventor here.
Gustav Sebald	I was thinking the same thing.
Jacquelyn Sciezka	Gustav!
Gustav Sebald	Jacquelyn.
Jacquelyn Sciezka	You came!
Gustav Sebald	You sent for me. Things are disastrous. Everything's gone wrong.
Jacquelyn Sciezka	I thought so.
Gustav Sebald	Dr. Montgomery and I were expecting the Baudelaire children days ago. Dr. Montgomery's supposed to be their new guardian. That's what the Baudelaire parents wanted, in case of a fire. What went wrong? Why haven't we seen them?
Jacquelyn Sciezka	Mr. Poe listened to the advice of a consultant.
Gustav Sebald	A consultant? Dear God. Why would anyone listen to a consultant?
Jacquelyn Sciezka	I'll give you a hint. His name rhymes with rice pilaf. Are you free Friday night to attend the theater? We might be able to get things back on track without calling attention to ourselves.
Gustav Sebald	Of course. But what shall we do until then?
Jacquelyn Sciezka	Could you cut these ropes for me?
Gustav Sebald	The children must be so frightened.
Jacquelyn Sciezka	We’re all frightened, Gustav.
Klaus Baudelaire	Sunny must be so frightened.
Violet Baudelaire	We’re all frightened, Klaus. You should get some sleep.
Klaus Baudelaire	But you're dismantling my bed.
Violet Baudelaire	Use Sunny's. You stayed up all last night trying to find out Count Olaf's plot. It's my turn.
Klaus Baudelaire	I didn't help us.
Violet Baudelaire	Yes, you did. You just didn't finish the job. Remember when our parents first brought Sunny home?
Klaus Baudelaire	She bit the doorknob off the nursery.
Violet Baudelaire	Mother and Father... they made me promise to always look after you two and make sure you don't get into any trouble. Let me keep my promise.
Lemony Snicket	Having a brilliant idea isn't as easy as turning on a light. But just as a single bulb can illuminate even the most depressing of rooms the right idea can shed light on a depressing situation. As inventing workshops go Count Olaf's bathroom was small and dimly lit but the inventing area in Violet's mind was large and bright. Inside of it was everything she needed.
INT. TOWER ROOM
White-Faced Woman 1	Oh Olaf that is perfect! It's so wonderful that in addition to your many talents you have a marvellous eye for fashion.
White-Faced Woman 2	Without being a sissy.
White-Faced Woman 1	Without being a sissy.
A loud clang rings above them.
Count Olaf	What was that?
White-Faced Woman 1	I think whats-his-name is shaving.
Count Olaf	Right. Tell me if this is too much baby's breath.
White-Faced Woman 2	I thought you were marrying the older one?
Count Olaf	No. Sprigs of baby's breath in Violet's hair.
White-Faced Women	Oh.
INT. BACKYARD
Violet continuously attempts to latch her grappling hook onto the top of the tower. After tries 3 tries the hook latches.
Violet Baudelaire	The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
Violet presses a button and her machine hoists her into the air.
Violet Baudelaire	It is the source of all true art and science.
Hook-Handed Man	How pleasant that you could join us.
Just as violet reaches the top of the tower the Hook-Handed Man yanks her into the tower through the window.
Violet Baudelaire	What are you going to do with me?
Hook-Handed Man	I said have a seat.
Violet Baudelaire	No you didn't.
The Hook-Handed Man screams at her and Violet sits down. He struggles but reaches into his pocket and presses a button on the walkie-talkie. Count Olaf's voice can be heard through the walkie-talkie.
Count Olaf	Hello?
Hook-Handed Man	Boss, it's me.
Count Olaf	Who? Be specific.
Hook-Handed Man	Me! Your henchman with the-
Count Olaf	Hand problem?
Hook-Handed Man	Yeah.
Count Olaf	What do you want?
Hook-Handed Man	Your blushing bride just climbed up here to try and rescue the biting brat.
Count Olaf	What! How'd she do that?!
Hook-Handed Man	Oh, I don't know.
Count Olaf	Well, take a guess!
Hook-Handed Man	Um, some sort of uh...
Count Olaf	Some sort of what?!
Hook-Handed Man	Ropey thing?
Violet Baudelaire	It was a grappling hook.
Hook-Handed Man	She says it was a grappling hook.
Count Olaf	Where'd she get a grappling hook!?
Hook-Handed Man	I don't know, boss.
Count Olaf	She's mine.
Hook-Handed Man	No, yes boss, of course I understand she's yours. Uh.
Count Olaf	Stay there. I'll be right up.
Hook-Handed Man	Uh...Okay.
Count Olaf	Goodbye.
Hook-Handed Man	Over and out.
Count Olaf	Over? What is that supposed to mean?
Hook-Handed Man	"Over and out?" Oh um. I mean. I think it's-
Count Olaf	It's what?
Hook-Handed Man	It's kind of an...a..uh.
Count Olaf	Kind of a what?
Hook-Handed Man	Walkie-talkie slang for goodbye.
Count Olaf	Say that.
Hook-Handed Man	I'm sorry. Okay, fine. Yeah.
Count Olaf	Well for god...see you soon.
Hook-Handed Man	Okay. Goodbye.
The Hook-Handed Man puts the walkie-talkie back into his pocket.
Hook-Handed Man	Count Olaf is very displeased with his bride.
Violet Baudelaire	I'm not his bride.
Hook-Handed Man	Oh, very soon you will be. Which means I will soon be your henchperson-in-law.
The tower's hatch door opens and Olaf enters, dragging Klaus up with him.
Count Olaf	You know, some say that the hardest job in the world is raising a child. But it is nothing compared to conceiving, writing, directing, producing, and preforming in a theatrical presentation for the purposes of stealing their dead parent's fortune. It's a very difficult job. And I wont have any orphans mucking it up!
Klaus Baudelaire	You'll never touch our fortune.
Count Olaf	Klaus...I'll touch whatever I want.
Count Olaf places his hand on Violet's shoulder, squeezing it. The Hook-Handed Man places a lock on the window. Count Olaf and The Hook-Handed Man start to go down the hatch's stairs. Olaf pulls out an hourglass and flips it.
Count Olaf	When the sand runs out in the..uh...whatchamacallit, your sister will be married to me.
The hatch door closes behind Olaf. Violet and Klaus run over to Sunny at the window.
Klaus Baudelaire	What happened? Why are we up here?
Violet Baudelaire	I tried to rescue Sunny using an invention of mine to climb up the tower.
Klaus Baudelaire	It's so high. You must have been terrified.
Violet Baudelaire	it's not as scary as the thought of marrying Count Olaf.
Klaus Baudelaire	I'm sorry it didn't work.
Violet Baudelaire	The invention worked fine. I just got caught. We've got to rescue Sunny and get out of here before the sand runs out of the hourglass.
The children look back over to the hourglass and notice that all the sand is already on the bottom. The hatch door opens again.
Count Olaf	I didn't realise the sand went so quickly. I bought it online. You're gonna need to flip it a couple times, like (Flips hour glass)...Okay? And don't touch the baby!
Olaf exits again.
Violet Baudelaire	It's going to be okay, Sunny.
Klaus Baudelaire	Just hang in there.
Sunny Baudelaire	Seriously?!
Violet Baudelaire	It's okay. He didn't mean it as a joke.
Klaus Baudelaire	(To Violet) Do you think you could invent something to help us escape?
Violet Baudelaire	Maybe. Do you think you can research a way to get us out of the wedding?
Klaus Baudelaire	Maybe.
INT. LEMONT SNICKET'S OFFICE
Lemony Snicket	I am certain that over the course of your own life, you have noticed that certain rooms reflect the personalities of the occupants. For instance...in my own lonely room, I have gathered a collection of things which are important to me, including all my notes on the Baudelaire Orphans, a few crucial objects that I have gathered in my travels, and...a blurry photograph...taken a long time ago, of a women named Beatrice, which I look at from time to time while writing this account from across what was once a prominent theatre, no more able to help the Baudelaires than the objects they found in Count Olaf's tower room.
INT. TOWER ROOM
Violet Baudelaire	If we had kerosene, we could make Molotov cocktails with those old whine bottles.
Klaus Baudelaire	What are Molotov cocktails?
Violet Baudelaire	They're small bombs. If we throw them out the window, we could attract attention. But we don't have any kerosene. (Takes hair down)
Klaus Baudelaire	If you don't say "I do" and you don't sign the document with your own hand, then you won't be legally married. But then Olaf will drop Sunny off the tower.
The trapdoor opens again.
Count Olaf	Certainly would. Come, Orphans. It's time for the big event. My associate here...
Hook-Handed Man	Hello. Good to see you again.
Count Olaf	...will stay with your sister and we will be in constant contact with the use of these walkie-talkies. If anything goes wrong during tonight's performance, your sister will be dropped to her death. Shall we?
Violet Baudelaire	We'll be back soon, Sunny.
Klaus Baudelaire	Don't worry.
Sunny Baudelaire	Yeah right.
Hook-Handed Man	Come on.
INT. BACKSTAGE HALL
Eleanora Poe	Count Olaf, Eleanora Poe, from the Daily Punctillo. Taking the role of a handsome man is certainly a brave choice. Is it a stretch for you?
Count Olaf	Well, as an actor, I think live theatre is a much more powerfull medium than then, say, streaming television.
Eleanora Poe	And how do you respond rumors that this whole production is nothing more than an evil plot.
Count Olaf	Evil plot? The only evil plot going on is the one you'll see on stage.
Bald Man	Take your seats.
Count Olaf	All right, curtain 8:00 P.M.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	Check.
Count Olaf	Intermission, 9:15.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	Check.
Count Olaf	Act two, 9:30, unless concession sales are strong.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	Check.
Count Olaf	The wedding will be around 10:00 P.M., followed by champagne, toasts, with cake and finger food, then the after-party at the Mexican place.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	Check.
INT. THEATRE HOUSE
Arthur Poe	I'm just glad the Baudelaires are adjusting to their new life. I had my doubts about Count Olaf, but now that I see he's putting three young children in the theatre, all my anxieties are put to rest.
INT. BACKSTAGE
Bald Man	You two will stay right here until the wedding scene. Any funny business, and it's curtains for your baby sister. You see "curtains" means that your sister will be dropped out of the window, but it's also a sort of play on theatrical curtains.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	One minute to curtain.
Count Olaf enters with Justice Strauss.
Bald Man	(To Olaf) You look great.
Count Olaf	Don't distract me with idle chatter. I'm trying to get into character. Now, Justice Whatever, sit here until the wedding scene. Remember, you must use the exact same wording you use in an actual wedding. Get it absolutely right. There's talent scouts in the audience looking for new actresses about your age.
Justice Strauss	(Gasps) Talent scouts! Oh, my!
Violet Baudelaire	Justice Strauss, may we speak to you?
Justice Strauss	Don't distract me with idle chatter! I'm trying to get into character!
Count Olaf	(To Justice Strauss) Change of plans. Sit here. (To The Baudelairess) Don't distract her. (To Justice Strauss) Your better side. Rubber baby, baby, baby. Rubber baby. Rubber baby, baby. Rubber baby, baby, baby.
Justice Strauss	...Rubber baby, baby, baby.
Count Olaf	Rubber baby, baby, baby.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	Showtime.
Count Olaf	All right, all right.
Justice Strauss	All right, all right.
Count Olaf	Rubber bubber...Baby bubber.
Justice Strauss	Rubber bubber...Baby bubber.
Folk music plays, Count Olaf walks onstage, and the audience applauds
Count Olaf	Here I am, literally standing at the edge of a pond.
Gustav Sebald	He's not literally standing at the edge of a pond. He's figuratively standing at the edge of a pond.
Count Olaf	What is a very handsome man like me to do about it...except preform a lengthly soliloquy? (Clears throat)
CUT TO TOWER ROOM
Hook-Handed Man	(To Sunny) Don't suppose you know how to play poker.
Sunny Baudelaire	I'm a fast learner.
Hook-Handed Man	(Pulls cards out of box) Would you like to deal?
Sunny Baudelaire	Sure.
CUT BACK TO THEATRE
Count Olaf	Please, lady pharaohs, I am very handsome, but I am only one man.
White-Faced Woman 1	By the waters of the Nile, this very handsome man shall be mine.
White-Faced Woman 2	By the shape of the pyramids, I'll kill you if I can't have him.
White-Faced Women	He's so handsome.
CUT BACK TO TOWER ROOM
The Hook-Handed Man is now tied up.
Hook-Handed Man	Okay, if I win this hand, you give me a back-rub, if you win again, I'll put tape on my mouth.
Sunny deals the cards and the Hook-Handed Man who looks disappointed at his hand but then straitens his face. Sunny looks at her cards to see a Flush.
CUT BACK TO THE TEATRE
Count Olaf	Please, duchess, I am very handsome, but I am only one man.
White-Faced Woman 1	By the turrets of Gravelstein, this very handsome man shall be mine.
White-Faced Woman 2	By the Gardens of Wothington, if I can't have him, my heart will literally break.
Jacquelyn Scieszka	Figuratively. "My heart will figuratively break."
Count Olaf	Why, what handsome adventures I have had, Only to end up at this same pond on this...my wedding day!
Weddding March plays and Violet, Klaus, and Justice Strauss slowly walk on stage. Olaf gestures with his head for Violet to look towards the podium, when she doesn't he grabs her shoulder and turns her. Count Olaf gestures to the musicians to stop playing and the music stops abruptly. Justice Strauss looks at the audience with wide eyes and someone coughs.
Count Olaf	(Whispering) Say your line.
Justice Strauss	Do you...take this women to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Count Olaf grabs the marriage document and a feather pen, signing the paper.
Count Olaf	I do.
Justice Strauss	Do you...take this women--
Count Olaf	Man.
Justice Strauss	Man. Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Violet takes the paper and looks at Count Olaf who is holding the walkie-talkie ready. Violet then looks to Klaus who nods. She then signs the document.
Violet Baudelaire	...I do.
Justice Strauss	Then by the powers vested in me by going to law school, I now pronounce you Count and Countess.
White-Faced Women	Mazel tov.
Folk music starts playing again Count Olaf goes in to kiss Violet but she turns her head to the side.
Count Olaf	Okay.
Count Olaf, Justice Strauss, and the troupe dance along with the music. Count Olaf laughs and his smile fades, gesturing for the music to stop.
Count Olaf	Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to make an announcement. There is no need to continue with tonight's performance.
Mr. Poe wakes up and starts clapping. Olaf takes off his costume's wig.
Count Olaf	For its propose has been served.. This has not been a scene of fiction. My marriage to Violet Baudelaire is perfectly legal, and I am now in control of her entire fortune.
Justice Strauss	That can't be true!
Count Olaf	On the contrary, Judgikins, the law of the land clearly states that the bride must say "I do" and sign the appropriate document in her own hand. And all of you, ladies and gentleman, are witnesses.
Arthur Poe	Violet is only a child. She isn't old enough to marry.
Count Olaf	She is if her legal guardian allows it. And in addition to being her husband, I am also her legal guardian.
Justice Strauss	But that piece of paper's not an official document. It's...it's just a stage prop!
Count Olaf	If you look closely enough, I think you'll see that it is figuratively real.
Klaus Baudelaire	Literally.
Count Olaf	I said literally.
Justice Strauss	I'm afraid this marriage is entirely binding. Violet..You said "I do" and signed this paper in your own hand. Count Olaf, you are not Violet's legal husband.
Count Olaf	And?
Justice Strauss	And a vile and terrible person.
Count Olaf	A vile and terrible person who is complete control of the Baudelaires' entire fortune.
Arthur Poe	This is absolutely horrendous. I won't allow it!
Count Olaf	I'm afraid there's nothing you can do.
Justice Strauss	...Count Olaf is correct. This marriage is legally binding. I am so sorry, Baudelaires! I can't believe how easily I was tricked!
Count Olaf	You were easily tricked! It was child's play, winning this fortune. And now, a reception to celebrate my special day. Hit it!
The music starts playing and caterers start handing out food.
Eleanora Poe	Oh, thank you.
Olaf starts swaying again to the music and grabs a glass from a caterer.
Klaus Baudelaire	Stop. (The music stops) First, let sunny go.
Justice Strauss	Where is Sunny?
Count Olaf	I'm afraid she's tied up at the moment, if you'll forgive me little joke...See, it's a little play on words. "All tied up" is a figurative-
Violet Baudelaire	You promised to let her go!
Count Olaf	Oh, and what kind of husband would I be if I didn't keep my promises? (Into the walkie-talkie) Drop the pip-squeak to her death.
Violet Baudelaire	(Gasps) No.
Sunny and the Hook-Handed man enter. He wheels her in with a wheelbarrow and has tape on his face that Olaf rips off.
Count Olaf	You idiot! What are you doing!?
Hook-Handed Man	Well, I had to bring her here. She had a straight flush.
Count Olaf	(To Sunny) So, you escaped, you little dishrag. Well, I'm still married to Violet, and I will dispense with you on our honeymoon. (To Violet) Care to Dance, Countess?
Violet Baudelaire	I'm not a Countess. At least I don't think I am.
Jacquelyn Scieszka	Wait...
Count Olaf	And why not, pray tell?
Violet Baudelaire	I didn't sign the document in my own hand, as the law states.
Count Olaf	Don't lie to me Orphan. Everyone saw you!
Justice Strauss	Yes, there were several witnesses, not to mention those on the mezzanine.
Violet Baudelaire	But I'm right-handed, and I signed the document with my left hand.
Count Olaf	(Scoffs) Well that doesn't count. You're just being a sore loser and trying to ruin my special day.