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See Carmelita (disambiguation) for other uses.
If you were going to give a gold medal to the least delightful person on Earth, you would have to give that medal to a person named Carmelita Spats, and if you didn't give it to her, Carmelita Spats was the sort of person who would snatch it from your hands anyway. Carmelita Spats was rude, she was violent, and she was filthy, and it is really a shame that I must describe her to you, because there are enough ghastly and distressing things in this story without even mentioning such an unpleasant person.
 

Carmelita Spats is an extremely unpleasant girl whom Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire first encountered in The Austere Academy at Prufrock Preparatory School.

In the final books of the series, she is adopted by Count Olaf and Esmé Squalor, who invite her into the Fire-Starting Side of V.F.D.

Personality

I'm the cutest, prettiest, nicest girl in the whole wide school.
 
— Carmelita Spats, The Austere Academy
Carmelita is a mean, arrogant, snobby and selfish girl who cares for nobody but herself, demanding respect and reverence for herself, and insults the Baudelaires by calling them "cakesniffers". Carmelita acts as if she is the center of the universe and the entire world revolves around her. Her spoiled personality makes her show no respect to her elders and the world around her. To the Baudelaires and Quagmires, Carmelita was an insufferable and cruel bully. 

She is incredibiy self-centered, but most adults seem uncaring of her attiitude. Vice Principal Nero encouraged her behavior and believed her to be a darling little girl, while Esmé seems unaware of these traits or even is implied to adore them, spoiling and fussing over Carmelita, of which Olaf highly disapproves. Olaf seems rather annoyed by her, as he is used to having things his own way, and it comes as a blow when Esmé seems more interested in Carmelita's needs. When Esmé was convincing Carmelita to join them, she tells her, "You'll be the adoptive daughter we never had", while looking at the Baudelaires in a mean way. Even though Olaf is less fond of Carmelita, and this dislike grows through the series, both he and Esmé seem to bend to Carmelita's every whim. He is persuaded to name his submarine the Carmelita after she says the Olaf is a "cakesniffing" name. He also renamed his boat from the Count Olaf to the Carmelita.

CarmelitaKickingLarry

Carmelita kicking Larry and walking away in front of a disgusted Olivia.

In the TV series, she may have a height complex or at the least, hate being called a little girl, as she kicks Larry the Waiter after he calls her that, and she says 4'7" is not that little to Count Olaf. She also sings tap-dancing musical numbers to the Baudelaires constantly (she also has a signature line that is included in all her songs- And my name is CARMELITA!):

  • "The sun is setting hooray, hooray! Coach Genghis sent me here to say, the Baudelaire orphans go to the field. And my name is CARMELITA!"
  • "Vice Principal Nero wants to see you right away because he's very mad at you today. I'm the prettiest girl in town, and my name is CARMELITA!"
  • "Cakesniffers are all jealous of me because I'm C-U-T-T-E. Singing and dancing and it's my thing, and my name is CARMELITA!"
  • "The sun has come up, the day has begun! Watching you flunk will be so much fun because you're just orphans- and you're probably dumb! And my name is CARMELITA!"

Biography

Early Life 

In The Slippery Slope, Esmé lists the fortunes the villains will steal from the captured Snow Scouts. One of these is "the Spats fortune." This implies Carmelita's parents are rich - one could suspect they may be connected to V.F.D. She was sent to a boarding school, Prufrock Preporatory. 

She once wrote an autobiography titled Me: The Completely Authorized Autobiography of the Prettiest, Smartest, Most Darling Girl in the Whole Wide World which was published by Spoiled Brat Press. Page 793 details her misguided encounter with a V.F.D. librarian. where he attempts to give her a code; she doesn't recognize it, and tells him, "Go away, creep."[1] 

When Duncan and Isadora enter Prufrock Prep, they are forced to live in a shack due to not having parents or guardians to sign the permission slip for the dorms. Carmelita begins referring to their shack as the Orphans Shack.[2]

The Austere Academy

Don't even think of eating around here, you cakesniffers! Nobody wants to have lunch with people who live in the Orphans Shack!
 
— Carmelita Spats, The Austere Academy
Carmelita Spats (TAA)

Carmelita Spats in The Austere Academy.

The Baudelaire orphans first encounter Carmelita in The Austere Academy. She rudely refers to them as "cakesniffers", tells them to get lost, and makes their lives difficult at the school. Isadora and Duncan Quagmire aren't fond of Carmelita either. Carmelita ridicules the Baudelaires for being orphans and having no parents as if them losing their parents is somehow something "funny" instead of serious. She creates a jeer and bullies them constantly, enticing other students to join in the bullying.

Carmelita was in the same class as Violet (Mr. Remora). Every few minutes Carmelita would lean forward and poke Violet with a stick and whisper "orphan", and Violet would lose her concentration and forget to write down some detail of Mr. Remora's latest story.

Carmelita is one of Vice Principal Nero's favorite students, and he plays favorites with her, enabling her to get away with so much bratty behavior. She is also given a job by Coach Genghis (Count Olaf in disguise) to tell the Baudelaires when they are required to attend S.O.R.E. sessions, after which she would snobbishly demand a tip, usually in the form of jewelry. 

When the Baudelaires pass their tests, Mr. Remora and Mrs. Bass suggest expelling her, but Vice Principal Nero says that she's Coach Genghis's special messenger. 

The Slippery Slope

I’m going to push these cakesniffers off the mountain, and start an exciting and fashionable new life!
 
— Carmelita Spats, The Slippery Slope
The Baudelaires meet her again in The Slippery Slope, while she is traveling with a group of Snow Scouts to celebrate False Spring in the Mortmain Mountains. The two elder Baudelaires had enough troubles in the Mortmain Mountains without running into her, and at the sound of her voice they almost turned around and took their chances once more with the snow gnats swarming outside.

She is excited to be crowned False Spring Queen; she is appointed every year, likely due to favoritism from their scout leader, her uncle Bruce

Masked-kids

The masked Snow Scouts, including Carmelita Spats.

The Snow Scouts travel up to the peak, where they find Olaf's troupe, the Baudelaires and Quigley Quagmire. The Baudelaires unmask themselves to get her to trust them, trying to warn her and the Snow Scouts that the Firestarters are planning to capture her. She doesn't believe them, as she caused Vice Principal Nero trouble at school, and plants a flag in the ice to crown herself False Spring Queen, causing a large crack to form. The Snow Scouts and Bruce are then captured by eagles, but as she was not in the net, she was left behind. 

Olaf and Esmé Squalor discuss which Baudelaire to leave alive for the fortune, and Carmelita suggests keeping Violet so they can tie her hair to things. Olaf and Esmé then offer to adopt her, and Esmé tells her that she'll buy her In outfits. Though Quigley warns her that they're planning to kill her parents and burn down her house, Carmelita is enthralled that the couple find her adorable, and agrees to join them, threatening to push the Baudelaires and Quigley off thte mountain, ready to start an exciting and fashionable new life. The Baudelaires and Quigley escape on a toboggan.

The Grim Grotto

You're just jealous of me because I'm a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian!
 
— Carmelita Spats, The Grim Grotto
CarmelitaVet

Carmelita as a Tap-Dancing Ballerina Fairy Princess Veterinarian.

Carmelita is still with Olaf, who is starting to get annoyed with her, and Esmé, who spoils her quite a bit. She insisted on Olaf naming his submarine after her. 

She steals from Olaf's costume trunk to make her tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian costume, and tortures the Snow Scouts and other firestarter recruits, who are rowing the Queequeg, by performing tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian recitals for hours on end. 

She describes herself in a song:

C is for 'cute'
A is for 'adorable'!
R is for 'ravishing'!
M is for 'gorgeous'!
E is for 'excellent'! (In Netflix series extra gorgeous)
L is for 'lovable'!
I is for 'I'm the best'!
T is for 'talented'!
and A is for 'a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian'!
Now let's sing my whole wonderful song all over again!

The song was so irritating, and sung so poorly, that Violet and Klaus almost feel as if they were being tortured after all, particularly as Carmelita keeps on singing it, over and over and over. Klaus comments that someone should tell Carmelita that the word 'gorgeous' does not start with 'm'.

She spots Fernald and Fiona in their escape attempt, frustrated that they interrupted her recital. Fiona and Fernald lie and say they just needed to borrow Esmé's noodle whip, giving the Baudelaires the opportunity to escape. Fiona then joins the crew, and Carmelita follows the group to the Queequeg to capture the Baudelaires, where she mentions that she'll do tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian recitals on the graves of the Volunteers. 

The Penultimate Peril

I'm not a little girl! I'm a ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate! And I'm not going to shoot any more harpoons until Countie teaches me how to spit.
 
— Carmelita Spats, The Penultimate Peril
CarmelitaII

Carmelita as a Ball-Playing Cowboy Superhero Soldier Pirate.

Carmelita's spoiled attitude appears to have to have been exacerbated under the care of Esmé Squalor. At the Hotel Denouement, she has changed into a ball-playing cowboy superhero soldier pirate and dresses like one; Esmé sees this as her tomboy phase, and doesn't seem too pleased wih it. Olaf tells her that he'll teach her to spit, "like a real ball-playing cowboy superhero soldier pirate," if she learns to use a harpoon gun and shoots down the crow that will carry the Sugar Bowl to the hotel that night. Violet, disguised as a concierge, encounters her on the roof of the hotel, where she has her sailboat once again named after her, and is forced to give her a harpoon gun. 

She successfully shoots the crow, and her and Esmé, along with Hugo, Colette and Kevin, find Olaf, the Baudelaires, Dewey Denouement, Justice Strauss and Jerome Squalor in the lobby. Carmelita refuses to follow Olaf's orders and shoot Dewey until he teaches her how to spit, so he violently knocks her to the floor and takes her harpoon gun, ending their already tenuous relationship. Esmé is angered at this, and Olaf insists that the spoiled girl needs to be disciplined. This ends his and Esmé's relationship as well. 

Carmelita submits a book about how wonderful she believes herself to be as evidence in a trial against Count Olaf and the Baudelaires. 

After the trial ends, the Baudelaires, Olaf, and Justice Strauss find her and Esmé wandering the second story. Klaus warns them about the fire, and Carmelita wants to take off her blindfold to capture him. Esmé isn't sure whether to believe the Baudelaires, who say there is a spreading fire, or Olaf, who says there is not, as she sees both as dishonest, and Carmelita tells the group to leave them alone, as they can find their own way out. 

It is unknown whether she survived the fire at the Hotel Denouement, though Lemony Snicket believes that the Baudelaires "never argued" with either her or Esmé again.

TV Series Divergent Canon

Carmelita Spats: Hello, cakesniffers!
Violet Baudelaire: Hello, um...
Carmelita Spats: "Um?" Are you a blithering idiot? Everyone knows I'm Carmelita Spats!
Violet Baudelaire: I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings Klaus and Sunny.
Klaus Baudelaire: What does "cakesniffer" mean?
Carmelita Spats: It means you're stupid cakesniffers, but I'm the most special girl in the whole wide school!
The Austere Academy: Part One
TapDance

"And my name is Carmelita!"

Nero mentions Carmelita has two living parents, who she later mentions "let [her] do whatever [she] wanted." Sometime inbetween The Slippery Slope: Part Two and The Penultimate Peril: Part One, Olaf tried and failed to ransom Carmelita back to her parents, and Esmé mentions to Olaf that they (or at least, their side of the schism) set the Spats house on fire to murder her parents.

Carmelita is a cheerleader in the series, and constantly sings about herself with songs that rarely rhyme, which annoys Isadora Quagmire. Olaf also mentions that she has brass knuckles. She also secretly sneaks into the kitchens to sniff cakes, making her a literal cakesniffer. She also seems to be constantly hungry, as she insists on stealing food from Larry Your-Waiter. She is still favored by Vice Principal Nero, who gives her tap shoes and puts her in charge of gym class until Coach Genghis is hired, so she makes all the students do jumping jacks whenever she wants.

She has a disgust for the librarian, Olivia Caliban, and while giving a tour to the Baudelaires mentions that she smells funny. When Olivia mentions she enjoys To Kill a Mockingbird, Carmelita goes out and kills a mockingbird to give to her. Olivia is horrified by this and orders her to give the bird a proper burial, and threatens to call Carmelita's mother and have her tap shoes taken away.

She is bribed by Olaf to help sneak him and the troupe into the school and help him with his schemes. She gave him a brooch she'd previously stolen, and also assisted him in trapping Larry in a freezer. She catches Jacques Snicket freeing him, and is vaguely surprised that he knows her; he mentions that his organization has been keeping an eye on children of interest, and then insults her before leaving. She also tries to insist the Baudelaires flunked their public exam for not being adorable enough, and cheers on Olaf's troupe as they chase after the children.

CarmelitaWithScouts

Carmelita and the Snow Scouts.

In The Slippery Slope: Part One, she is much more in command of the Snow Scouts, as Bruce has been replaced by Brucie, who was hired by the Snow Scouts' rich parents to carry their luggage. She recognizes the Baudelaires, but is not believed when she points them out; she also insists that Quigley don't associate with them, as they don't talk to orphans. She also tells her version of the Cinderella story around the campfire, where the prince married Cinderella's adorable stepsister, who divorced him and took all his money. She is noted to talk in her sleep.

In The Slippery Slope: Part Two, she convinces the Snow Scouts to abandon Brucie on the mountain after the group leader starts questioning her. Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Man With A Beard But No Hair and Woman With Hair But No Beard flatter her into trusting them, and she tells the Baudelaires that she's too adorable to kidnap before crowning herself False Spring Queen. The Snow Scouts are captured, and after she suggests they smash Klaus's glasses, Esmé finds her adorable and quickly adopts her, to Olaf's dismay. Carmelita is thrilled to have "two sets of parents more than" the Baudelaires.

OlafEsmeCarmelita

Count Olaf, Esme Squalor and Carmelita Spats.

She disguises herself as an adorable daughter in The Grim Grotto: Part One in order to rent a submarine, and once on the submarine, she steals from Olaf's costume trunk to make her Tap-Dancing Ballerina Fairy Princess Veterinarian costume. She tries to make Esmé and a disgruntled Olaf watch her recital version of Swan Lake- where the swan gets run over for thinking it was more adorable. By this point, Olaf is incredibly annoyed with her.

Later, Carmelita, made uncomfortable by Fernald, insists that he does not eat with them, and when Olaf makes him leave, she sings that "the Cakesniffer is not family!" She is upset by Olaf's depressing rambles and the implication she won't always be adorable, and has to be quieted by him when the Great Unknown arrives.

When the Carmelita captures the Queequeg, Carmelita wanders in and helps them capture Phil and the Baudelaires, and she has to jump up and down to see the children as they were sent off to the grotto.

Chef Carmelita

In The Grim Grotto: Part Two, she is performing her recital for the captured Snow Scouts, who are tired of rowing, and Phil, who received an eye infection. Esmé orders the Snow Scouts to watch, but Carmelita is upset and jealous when Olaf leaves to put the Baudelaires in the brig. When the Bauelaires escape, they interrupt her recital by faking the approach of the Great Unknown. The Snow Scouts panic and revolt, giving them time to escape. Carmelita later finds Violet and Klaus hiding in the Queequeg when they arrive to look for Fernald. She notes that she played veterinarian with Phil on the Queequeg.

In The Penultimate Peril: Part One, Carmelita is given a message from an escaped Fernald and Fiona to give to Olaf, as they capture the Carmelita. She insists that they name their new boat the Carmelita II, and once again dons her daughter disguise as her, Olaf and Esmé arrive in disguise at the hotel. She is upset by their travel, as she wanted to go to Littlest Elf Land, and Esmé tells Olaf that she's acting out due to him not spending enough time with her. She also appears to be unaware that her parents have been murdered. She still stays on the sunbathing roof with Esme, though she unknowingly holds the Medusoid Mycelium in a beach ball, and orders ice cream as well as a harpoon gun. She once again refuses to shoot until Olaf teaches her to spit, though she is confused after his and Esme's breakup and asks if this means he's "not [her] daddy anymore."

EsmeCarmelitaPink

Esme Squalor and Carmelita.

She shoots down a crow with the same rock Violet used on Briny Beach, and her and Esmé cook the crows to feed to the guests at the trial, as a replacement punishment since they can't find the Medusoid Mycelium. During the trial, she manages to terrify Jerome, and when the Baudelaires ask people to remove their blindfolds, she insists that they're cakesniffers.

After the trial, she and Esmé are seen by the Baudelairies as they flee, without their blindfolds, but the adoptive mother and daughter not believe them about the fire. Olaf tells Esmé that her treasured Sugar Bowl is in the laundry room (where the fire began), and Esmé insists that her and Carmelita go down to find it.

Behind the scenes

She is portrayed by Kitana Turnbull in the Netflix adaptation.

Quotes

TV series

  • Violet: "Hello, um..."
    Carmelita: "UM... UM... Are you a blithering idiot? Everyone knows I'm Carmelita Spats."
  • "I don't have to wear a uniform because I'm too adorable!"
  • "AHEM... 'Thank you' is not enough. It is traditional to give a special tour guide a tip at the end of the tour... YES, A TIP! Are you DEAF AND BLIND, cakesniffer?!"
  • "Who said you could speak to me?" (kicking Larry)
  • "I HATE YOUR FACE!" (kicking a boy to the floor)
  • "Hey, cakesniffer! You're as ugly as something I found in my teeth recently!"
  • "You call those jumping jacks?! I've seen better jumping jacks from OLD PEOPLE!"
  • "Little girl? I'm 4'7"." (to Count Olaf)
  • "All I have to do is scream and he'll fire you on the spot." (threatening Larry)
  • Carmelita: "Out of my way, cakesniffers, I deserve a heaping portion because I'm heapingly adorable."
    Violet: "You can wait in line like everyone else, Carmelita."
    Carmelita: "I don't have to. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Vice Principal Nero likes me best and there's a special beef and bean burrito with a little ribbon on it just for me."
  • "EXPLAIN HOW ADORABLE I AM!"
  • "Baudelaires, there's some open seats at my table, but I'm afraid it's a cakesniffer-free zone."
  • "I smell people who lost their parents in FIRES. Heehee." (to the Baudelaires and Quagmires)
  • "ONLY CAKESNIFFERS CARE ABOUT POETIC FORM!"
  • "Only cakesniffers care about democracy!"
  • "Hey, cakesniffers, now I have two sets of parents more than you!"
  • "This number is called "Swan Lake", where the swan gets run over because it thought it was more adorable than me."
  • "The cakesniffer is not faaaaaaamily! The cakesniffer is not faaaaaaamily! The cakesniffer is not faaaaaaamily!" (to Fernald)

Trivia

Cakesniffing

Carmelita cakesniffing.

Appearances

Gallery

Books

TV series

Sources

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