Colonel Colophon was a war hero from Stain'd-by-the-Sea. He was injured in an explosion before the unveiling of a statue in his honor, and Colophon Clinic is built to help him recover. He is completely covered in bandages.
While investigating the Colophon Clinic, Lemony Snicket and Moxie Mallahan research Colonel Colophon. He was considered a war hero, though Moxie discovers the war wasn't as black-and-white as she'd been led to believe. He was also the business partner of Ingrid Nummet Knight in Ink Inc.
The town of Stain'd-by-the-Sea decided to honor him with a statue, but this was a controversial decision; many people thought that Colophon shouldn't have been honored for so much bloodshed, and a tree that was home to the endangered Farnsworth Pulpeater Moths was uprooted in the groundbreaking. These people formed the Inhumane Society.
During the unveiling of the statue, someone sets off a bomb (presumably the Inhumane Society) and Colonel Colophon is horribly injured in the explosion. The Colophon Clinic was built in order to care for him, and he spent most of his time in his attic room or wandering the grounds. He had to stop helping to run Ink Inc. due to his injuries, leaving the company to Ignatius Knight, who drained the sea and caused an economic collapse in town. People started to leave, and soon Colophon was the only patient at the clinic, and Dr. Flammarion the only employee. Colophon may have been visited during this time by Cleo Knight, who would go to the clinic with Dr. Flammarion to study chemistry.
When Hangfire decided to make the clinic a temporary headquarters for the Inhumane Society, he threw Colonel Colophon from the window, where he fell into the swimming pool and died.
- Colonel Colophon is a teetotaler.