The following is a list of quotes by Klaus Baudelaire.
Books[]
The Bad Beginning[]
- "I wish our parents' money could be used now, instead of when you come of age. Then we could buy a castle and live in it, with armed guards patrolling the outside to keep out Count Olaf and his troupe."
The Reptile Room[]
- "You weren't being modest! You were LYING! And you are lying now! You're nothing but a liar and murderer!" (to Count Olaf as Stephano)
The Wide Window[]
- Josephine Anwhistle: I can't believe you would dare to disagree with a man who has eye problems.
- Klaus Baudelaire, pointing at his glasses: I have eye problems, and you're disagreeing with me.
- "And you are being stupid, with an S." (snapping at Violet for downplaying the errors in Josephine's suicide note and calling him "unbearable with a U.")
The Hostile Hospital[]
- "The craniectomy will be performed with a knife, which is the oldest surgical tool in the world. Early knives have been found in Egyptian tombs and Mayan temples, where they were used for ceremonial purposes, and mostly fashioned out of stone. Gradually bronze and iron became the essential materials in knives, although some cultures fashioned them out of the incisors of slain animals. There are a number of different types of knives, including the pocket- knife, the penknife, and the drawing knife, but the one required for this craniectomy is a Bowie knife, named after Colonel James Bowie, who lived in Texas."
- "Before I make the first incision, I would like to say a few words concerning rust. Rust is a reddish-brown coating that forms on certain metals when they oxidize, which is a scientific term for a chemical reaction occurring when iron or steel comes into contact with moisture. The oxidation process is integral to a craniectomy due to the oxidative processes of cellular mitochondria and cosmetic demystification."
The Penultimate Peril[]
- Arthur Poe: Don't be absurd! I don't know where you've been, or how you got here, or why you're wearing a picture of Santa Claus on your shirts, but–
- Klaus Baudelaire: It's Herman Melville. Goodbye, Mr. Poe.
The End[]
- "Why are you doing this? You know we're not the root of the problem." (to Ishmael)
Film[]
- "This is NOT home. HOME is where your parents put you to bed at night, where they teach you to ride a bike, or where they get choked up on your first day of school. This is NOT home. How could they do this to us?! Mom and Dad. Violet, you're thinking it, too. How could they?! They had no plan for us at all?! ...Do you think anything will ever feel like home again?" (Klaus trying to escape Olaf's house)
- Klaus Baudelaire: You won't get a cent until Violet turns 18.
- Count Olaf: Oh really... says who.
- "Does it strike you as odd that none of our relatives are related to us?"
- "Captain Sham IS Count Olaf. I'm NOT going through this again!" (before shoving Olaf to the floor and attempting to expose his ankle)
- "Violet... You better tie your hair up."
- "Sure you tied your hair tight enough?"
Netflix Series[]
The Reptile Room: Part One[]
- Stephano: Good morning! I am Stephano, Dr. Montgomery Montgomery's new assistant.
- Klaus Baudelaire: It's afternoon. And you're Count Olaf. We will not help you with your luggage and we will not let you in this house.
The Miserable Mill: Part One[]
- Charles: I know Sir can be prickly, but you have to understand he had a very terrible childhood.
- Klaus Baudelaire: I understand. I'm having a very terrible childhood right now.
The Austere Academy: Part Two[]
- Violet Baudelaire: How can he get our fortune as a gym teacher?
- Klaus Baudelaire: There's treachery lurking in most exercise programs.
The Ersatz Elevator: Part Two[]
- "You are our guardian! You're supposed to be keeping us safe, not throwing us down an elevator shaft and working with terrible villains and trying to steal our fortune!" (to Esmé)
The Carnivorous Carnival: Part Two[]
- Violet Baudelaire: There are better things to do with your life than get eaten at a carnival.
- Colette: Like what?
The Penultimate Peril: Part Two[]
- "We're innocent."
The End[]
- "Let's go home." (final line in the TV series as he, his sisters and baby Beatrice set sail)