Lemony Snicket/Quotes

Main Page QuotesGallery

Due to the sheer number of quotes from author Lemony Snicket, a separate page has been created to compile them.

This page is for quotes attributed to the character of Lemony Snicket. For other quotes, see Daniel Handler.

This page is currently under construction. Anything you can add would be much appreciated!

All the Wrong Questions

“

Do the scary thing first, and get scared later.

”

Who Could That Be at This Hour?

“	Knowing that something is wrong and doing it anyway happens very often in life, and I doubt I will ever know why.	”
	— Chapter Two

“	Nothing personal, but your names make my tongue tired. What do people call you?	”
	— Chapter Five

“	Children never tell adults anything either. The children of this world and the adults of this world are in entirely separate boats and only drift near each other when we need a ride from someone or when someone needs us to wash our hands.	”
	— Chapter Six

“	I saw her smile, shadowy in the moonlight. It was a smile that might have meant anything.	”
	— Chapter Seven

“	There’s an easy method for finding someone when you hear them scream. First get a clean sheet of paper and a sharp pencil. Then sketch out nine rows of fourteen squares each. Then throw the piece of paper away and find whoever is screaming so you can help them. It is no time to fiddle with paper.	”
	— Chapter Nine

Pip Bellerophon: Egad, Snicket, don't you ever sleep?

Lemony Snicket: Doesn't your father ever drive this heap?

Lemony Snicket: You know when someone tells you there's a monster under the bed? And you know, of course, that there's no such thing, but you just have to check under the bed anyway? Well, that's what we're doing here.

Pip Bellerophon: Sounds like a wild ride to me.

When Did You See Her Last?

Squeak Bellerophon: Going to see your friend again, in Handkerchief Heights?

Lemony Snicket: She doesn't live there anymore, and I don't know if I'd call her a friend, exactly.

“	We are all told to ignore bullies. It's something they teach you, and they can teach you anything. It doesn't mean you learn it. It doesn't mean you believe it. One should never ignore bullies. One should stop them.	”
	— Chapter Nine

“	A chemist and a cook are basically doing the same thing. It all comes down to mixing and heating some basic elements.	”
	— Chapter Ten

Pip Bellerophon: What's going to be in there?

Lemony Snicket: I have no idea. Maybe Cleo Knight. Maybe Dr. Flammarion and his needles and Nurse Dander and her knives and maybe the whole Inhumane Society with a trained cackle of vicious hyenas. We won’t know until we go in.

File Under: 13 Suspicious Incidents

Marguerite Gracq: Around town they say you're something of a detective.

Lemony Snicket: Around town they're wrong. I'm something else.

Marguerite Gracq: He hired a woman named Dagmar to watch over me. She doesn't do much but sit and listen to the radio. I don't like her.

Lemony Snicket: What does she listen to?

Jackie: It's nothing personal. I just have some trouble on my hands.

Lemony Snicket: Trouble is like grease. If you have it on you, you'll probably get it on everyone nearby.

Florence Smith: Sorry, Mother. I got distracted by a good part of my book. Peter is just escaping from Barbados and has decided to be a buccaneer.

Lemony Snicket: It's about to get even better.

“	The button in the attic was tricky to find, so it would take a little while for Mack to lower the staircase and get down again. I hoped it was enough to give a head start to a preternaturally small boy with curly hair, normal eyebrows, and hazel eyes, fleeing toward safety and his mother.	”
	— "Violent Butcher"

Moxie Mallahan: I was in the archives of The Stain'd Lighthouse, looking through the articles my mother wrote when she was still a reporter in town.

Lemony Snicket: I bet she was a good one, if her daughter is any indication.

“	You're very good liars. That might come in handy if you really want to sell people photographs of kittens.	”
	— "Midnight Demon"

“	I looked this way and that, the way you do when you are alone and hope you aren't, or when you aren't but hope you are. I thought I heard footsteps in the fog, but I didn't have the foggiest notion where they were coming from or what they were up to, or even if they were suspicious at all. Just because you think it's suspicious doesn't mean it is.	”
	— "Figure in Fog"

“	Wherever I went in town, I found questions I had to ask, no matter how wrong and no matter how suspicious the answers might be. You're going to keep asking questions, Snicket, I thought to myself. You'll keep searching for the right answers even if the questions are wrong.'	”
	— "Figure in Fog"

Shouldn't You Be in School?

Lemony Snicket: You know my name, but I don't know yours. That doesn't seem fair.

Kellar Haines: It's Kellar. Kellar Haines.

Squeak Bellerophon: Someday, you'll have to tell us where you learned to do all these difficult things.

Lemony Snicket: I bet it's no more difficult than learning to drive.

Ellington Feint: It's just good to see there's one thing I'm better at than you are.

Lemony Snicket: I think you're better at everything. I keep lurking around this mystery, but you walked right into the heart of it. I don't know how you find the nerve to do the things you've done.

“	Get scared later, I told myself, just as I'd advised my associates. Get scared later, and if you're scared now remember what Kit always said. If you're not scared, she told me, it's not bravery. And you want to be brave, don't you, Snicket? Of course you do. Of course I did, but I still felt sick. It was a sickness in my stomach and in my mouth and even in my heart. The symptoms were nervousness and dread. I don't know what the illness was called. I've had it since I was a child.	”
	— Chapter Ten

Pip Bellerophon: Morning, Snicket. I took the liberty of bringing you a couple of doughnuts from Hungry's, in case you hadn't had breakfast.

Lemony Snicket: You and your brother are the noblest people on earth.

Squeak Bellerophon: That's a very handsome bump you have there.

Lemony Snicket: It's not just handsome. It hurts, too.

Ornette Lost: I might not be able to meet our peers. Stew is peering at me too closely.

Lemony Snicket: I don't need you to meet us. Not if you can trust your uncles.

Cleo Knight: Egad, Snicket. What happened to you?

Lemony Snicket: I abandoned my sister in a train station.

Moxie Mallahan, handing Snicket the article on Kit: I've been meaning to give you this back. It made for some interesting reading.

Lemony Snicket: Really? It's just a newspaper article. It's not about anyone you know.

Why Is This Night Different from All Other Nights?

Pip Bellerophon: I hope you're not going to do anything foolish.

Lemony Snicket: I hope you're not hoping too hard.

Pip Bellerophon: Do we have to ask again about doing something foolish?

Lemony Snicket: No. You definitely don't have to ask.

Squeak Bellerophon: Maybe that's the wrong question. Maybe the right question is, do you really want to be here?

Lemony Snicket: No, I don't want to be here.

Pip Bellerophon: What was it, Snicket? What was that dark thing we saw?

Squeak Bellerophon: It was something terrible. We only got a quick look, but I had to remind my brother of what you said about getting scared later.

Squeak Bellerophon: What about you? Are you all right, Snicket?

Lemony Snicket: Just the opposite.

Ellington Feint: You could have told me what you knew.

Lemony Snicket: You could have told me what you had.

“	I walked for some time among the train tracks, with the dark statue of the Bombinating Beast tucked into my coat. Long ago, I had made a promise to return the statue to its rightful owner. The sky was getting lighter and I was whistling the tune Ellington had played me, first on a Hangfire phonograph and then on a music box her father had given her. She had not told me the name of the tune. It was a mystery, like what the S stood for in Theodora's name. I kept walking, with nothing but Solitude for company. 'Solitude' is a fancy name for being all by yourself. It's not a bad name, I thought.	”
	— Chapter Thirteen

The Hero of the Story

Lemony Snicket: Even if that's true, it's not very nice. After all, I volunteered to take care of you.

Hero: You didn't volunteer. You were practically forced. and you're not really takin care of me. I'm just propped up on a bench next to you.

Lemony Snicket: Our stories are very similar.

Rona: The trouble is, my story's in a book, and yours is right here in the world.

Hero: She didn't really do anything wrong.

Lemony Snicket: Neither did I.

Rona: Some people will think you're a hero, and some people will think you're a villain.

Lemony Snicket: You could say that about anyone.

“

I haven't seen you since that day, although I hear you are an interesting and curious person. Certainly you have had an interesting and curious childhood, and you are the hero of that childhood and of your own story.

”

“

I don't know what I am in this story. It's hard enough to decide what I am- hero or villain or something else- in my own story, let alone yours. Besides, you can decide for yourself, just as I decided things for myself and just as Rona did, in that other story I read to you so long ago. I wish we hadn't been interrupted on that terrible night. As with all good stories, I would have liked to know what happened next.

”

A Series of Unfortunate Events

The Bad Beginning

“	If you have ever lost someone important very to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.	”
	— Chapter Two

“	Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.	”
	— Chapter Three

“	Unless you have been very, very lucky, you have undoubtedly experienced events in your life that have made you cry. So unless you have been very, very lucky, you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.	”
	— Chapter Five

“	They didn't understand it, but like so many unfortunate events in life, just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't so.	”
	— Chapter Thirteen

The Reptile Room

“	It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.	”
	— Chapter Seven

The Wide Window

“	Oftentimes, when people are miserable, they will want to make other people miserable, too. But it never helps.	”
	— Chapter Five

“	If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.	”
	— Chapter Seven

“	Stealing, of course, is a crime, and a very impolite thing to do. But like most impolite things, it is excusable under certain circumstances. Stealing is not excusable if, for instance, you are in a museum and you decide that a certain painting would look better in your house, and you simply grab the painting and take it there. But if you were very, very hungry, and you had no way of obtaining money, it would be excusable to grab the painting, take it to your house, and eat it.	”
	— Chapter Nine

“	For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.'	”
	— Chapter Thirteen

The Miserable Mill

“	"Optimist" is a word which here refers to a person, such as Phil, who thinks hopeful and pleasant thoughts about nearly everything. For instance, if an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say, in a pleasant and hopeful voice, 'Well, this isn't too bad. I don't have my left arm anymore, but at least nobody will ever ask me whether I am right-handed or left-handed,' but most of us would say something more along the lines of 'Aaaaah! My arm! My arm!'	”
	— Chapter Two

“	As anyone who's ever been to a doctor knows, doctors are not necessarily your friends, any more than mail deliverers are your friends, or butchers are your friends, or refrigerator repair-people are your friends. A doctor is a man or woman whose job it is to make you feel better, that's all, and if you've ever had a shot you know that the statement 'Doctors can't hurt you' is simply absurd.	”
	— Chapter Six

The Austere Academy

“	Everybody will die, of course, sooner or later. Circus performers will die, and clarinet experts will die, and you and I will die, and there might be a person who lives on your block, right now, who is not looking both ways before he crosses the street and who will die in just in a few seconds, all because of a bus. Everybody will die, but very few people want to be reminded of that fact.	”
	— Chapter One

“	Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.	”
	— Chapter Two

“	As I'm sure you know, a good night's sleep helps you perform well in school, and so if you are a student you should always get a good night's sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means "flunk."	”
	— Chapter Nine

“	Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make -- bombs, for instance, or strawberry shortcake -- if you make even the tiniest mistake you can find yourself in terrible trouble. Making assumptions simply means believing things are a certain way with little or no evidence that shows you are correct, and you can see at once how this can lead to terrible trouble. For instance, one morning you might wake up and make the assumption that your bed was in the same place that it always was, even though you would have no real evidence that this was so. But when you got out of your bed, you might discover that it had floated out to sea, and now you would be in terrible trouble all because of the incorrect assumption that you'd made. You can see that it is better not to make too many assumptions, particularly in the morning.	”
	— Chapter Twelve

The Ersatz Elevator

“	A good library will never be too neat, or too dusty, because somebody will always be in it, taking books off the shelves and staying up late reading them.	”
	— Chapter Nine

The Carnivorous Carnival

“	Miracles are like meatballs, because nobody can exactly agree on what they are made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear.	”
	— Chapter Two

“	Grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it.	”
	— Chapter Five

The Grim Grotto

“	It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.	”
	— Chapter Five

The Penultimate Peril

“	The burning of a book is a sad, sad sight, for even though a book is nothing but ink and paper, it feels as if the ideas contained in the book are disappearing as the pages turn to ashes and the cover and binding-which is the term for the stitching and glue that holds the pages together-blacken and curl as the flames do their wicked work. When someone is burning a book, they are showing utter contempt for all of the thinking that produced its ideas, all of the labor that went into its words and sentences, and all of the trouble that befell the author, from the swarm of termites that tried to destroy his notes, to the large boulder that someone rolled onto the illustrator as he sat by the edge of the pond waiting for the delivery of the manuscript.	”
	— Chapter Twelve

The End

“	Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later on, we would all stay in our mother's wombs, and then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women.	”
	— Chapter Thirteen

“	Like Violet, like Klaus, and like Sunny, I visit certain graves, and often spend my mornings standing on a brae, staring out at the same sea. It is not the whole story, of course, but it is enough. Under the circumstances, it is the best for which you can hope.	”
	— Chapter Thirteen

Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography

“	It makes me sad to think that my whole life, from the cradle to the grave, is full of errors, but at least that will not happen to the Baudelaires.	”
	— Chapter One

The Beatrice Letters

“	I'm tempted to tell him there is no such thing as 'a wet viper perm,' but after the incident with the bottle of ink and the root beer float, I think it's better to spend my time inside 'My Silence Knot' whenever that nitwit raises his ugly, one-eyebrowed head.	”
	— LS to BB #2

“	No matter where we are--far away in the mountains or downstairs in a cafeteria, swimming in the ocean or hiding in an automobile--I enjoy being together with you, and I miss you when we are not.	”
	— LS to BB #2

“	I know that at a time like this we should be thinking of our organization, and what we can do to protect our volunteers, but I can only think of you.	”
	— LS to BB #3

“	But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.	”
	— LS to BB #4

“	I go to bed early and rise late and feel as if I have hardly slept, probably because I have been reading almost the entire time.	”
	— LS to BB #4

“	With you away, it is as if all the letters in my life are scrambled into an anagram, and I will not be able to put all the letters in order and make sense of anything until you return. I never want to be apart from you again, Beatrice, except in the restroom, at work, and when one of us is at a movie that the other does not want to see.	”
	— LS to BB #4

“	There is something I very much want to ask you, but I will not do so in a letter--particularly a letter that I am attempting to deliver via nocturnal, flying rodent.	”
	— LS to BB #4

“	I received all two-hundred pages of your book explaining why you cannot marry me, and I gave the carrier pigeons as much seed as they could eat, and I brushed their feathers with my trembling fingers, and bathed their beaks in my tears. I had to read the book three and a half times before I could untie 'My Silence Knot' and write to you.	”
	— LS to BB #5

“	Are you certain your co-star is one of us?	”
	— LS to BB #5, Sebald Code

“	After reading your book, I understand why you cannot live with me. I hope, after reading the answers below, you understand why I cannot live without you.	”
	— LS to BB #5

“	Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you with no regard to the actions of our enemies or the jealousies of actors. I will love you with no regard to the outrage of certain parents or the boredom of certain friends. I will love you no matter what is served in the world's cafeterias or what game is played at each and every recess. I will love you no matter how many fire drills we are all forced to endure, and no matter what is drawn upon the blackboard in blurry, boring chalk. I will love you no matter how many mistakes I make when trying to reduce fractions, and no matter how difficult it is to memorize the periodic table. I will love you no matter what your locker combination was, or how you decided to spend your time during study hall. I will love you no matter how your soccer team performed in the tournament or how many stains I received on my cheerleading uniform. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you if you cut your hair and I will love you if you cut the hair of others. I will love you if you abandon your baticeering, and I will love you if you retire from theater to take up some other, less dangerous occupation. I will love you if you if you drop your raincoat on the floor instead of hanging it up and I will love you if you betray your father. I will love you even if you announce that the poetry of Edgar Guest is the best in the world and even if you announce that the work of Zilpha Keatley Snyder is unbearably tedious. I will love you if you abandon the theramin and take up the harmonica and I will love you if you donate your marmosets to the zoo and your tree frogs to M. I will love you as the starfish loves the coral reef and as kudzu loves trees, even if the oceans turn to sawdust and the trees fall in the forest without anyone around to hear them. I will love you as the pesto loves the fetuccini and as the horseradish loves the miyagi, as the tempura loves the ikura and the pepperoni loves the pizza. I will love you as the manatee loves the head of lettuce and as the dark spot loves the leopard, as the leech loves the ankle of a wader and as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you as the doctor loves his sickest patient and a lake loves its thirstiest swimmer. I will love you as the beard loves the chin, and the crumbs love the beard, and the damp napkin loves the crumbs, and the precious document loves the dampness in the napkin, and the squinting eyes of the reader loves the smudged print of the document, and the tears of sadness love the squinting eye as it misreads what is written. I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and the passengers love the lifeboat, and the lifeboat loves the teeth of the sperm whale, and the sperm whale loves the flavor of naval uniforms. I will love you as a child loves to overhear the conversations of its parents, and the parents love the sound of their own arguing voices, and as the pen loves to write down the words these voices utter in a notebook for safekeeping. I will love you as a shingle loves falling off a house on a windy day and striking a grumpy person across the chin, and as an oven loves malfunctioning in the middle of roasting a turkey. I will love you as an airplane loves to fall from a clear blue sky and as an escalator loves to entangle expensive scarves in its mechanisms. I will love you as a wet paper towel loves to be crumpled into a ball and thrown at a bathroom ceiling and an eraser lovesd to leave dust in the hairdos of people who talk too much. I will love you as a cufflink loves to drop from its shirt and explore the party for itself and as a pair of white gloves loves to slip delicately into the punchbowl. I will love you as a taxi loves the muddy splash of a puddle and as a library loves the patient tick of a clock. I will love you as a thief loves a gallery and as a crow loves a murder, as a cloud loves bats and as a range loves braes. I will love you as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence and as justice loves to sit and watch while everything goes wrong. I will love you as a battlefield loves young men and as peppermints love your allergies, and I will love you as the banana peel loves the shoe of a man who was just struck by a shingle falling off a house. I will love you as a volunteer fire department loves rushing into burning buildings and as burning buildings love to chase them back out, and as a parachute loves to leave a blimp and as a blimp operator loves to chase after it. I will love you as a dagger loves a certain person's back, and as a certain person loves to wear daggerproof tunics, and as a daggerproof tunic loves to go to a certain dry cleaning facility, and how a certain employee of a dry cleaning facility loves to stay up late with a pair of binoculars, watching a dagger factory for hours in the hopes of catching a burglar, and as a burglar loves sneaking up behind people with binoculars, suddenly realizing that she has left her dagger at home. I will love you as a drawer loves a secret compartment, and as a secret compartment loves a secret, and as a secret loves to make a person gasp, and as a gasping person loves a glass of brandy to calm their nerves, and as a glass of brandy loves to shatter on the floor, and as the noise of glass shattering loves to make someone else gasp, and as someone else gasping loves a nearby desk to lean against, even if leaning against it presses a lever that loves to open a drawer and reveal a secret compartment. I will love you until all such compartments are discovered and opened, and until all the secrets have gone gasping into the world. I will love you until all the codes and hearts have been broken and until every anagram and egg has been unscrambled. I will love you until every fire is extinguished and until every home is rebuilt from the handsomest and most susceptible of woods, and until every criminal is handcuffed by the laziest of policement. I will love you until M. hates snakes nad J. hates grammar, and I will love you until C. realizes S. is not worthy of his love and N. realizes he is not worthy of the V. I will love you until the bird hates the nest and the worm hates the apple, and until the apple hates a tree and the tree hates a nest, and until a bird hates a tree and an apple hates a nest, although honestly I cannot image that last occurrence no matter how hard I try. I will love you as we grow older, which has just happened, and has happened, and has happened again, and happened several days ago, continuously, and then several years before that, and will continue to happen as the spinning hands of every clock and the flipping pages of every calendar mark the passage of time, except for the clocks that people have forgotten to wind and the calendars that people have forgotten to place in a highly visible area. I will love you as we find ourselves farther and father from one another, where once we were so close that we could slip the curved straw, and the long, slender, spoon, between our lips and fingers respectively. I will love you until the chances of us running into one another slip from slim to zero, and until your face is fogged by a distance memory, and your memory faced by distant fog, and your fog memorized by a distant face, and your distance distanced by the memorized memory of a foggy fog. I will love you no matter where you go and who you see, no matter where you avoid and who you don't see, and no matter who sees you avoiding where you go. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this, and no matter how I am discovered after what happens to me happens to me as I am discovering this. I will love you if you don't marry me. I will love you if you marry someone else--your co-star perhaps, or Y., or even O., or anyone Z. through A., even R.--although sadly I believe it will be quite some time before two women can be allowed to marry--and I will love you if you have a child, and I will love you if you have two children, or three children, or even more, although I personally think three is plenty, and I will love you if you never marry at all, and never have children, and spend your years wishing you had married me after all, and I must say that on late, cold nights I prefer this scenario out of all the scenarios I have mentioned. That, Beatrice, is how I will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way.	”
	— BB to LS #5, Question Nine

“	A letter may be coded, and a word may be coded. A theatrical performance may be coded, and a sonnet may be coded, and there are times when it seems the entire world is in code. Some believe that the world can be decoded by performing research in a library. Others believe the world can be decoded by reading a newspaper. But in my case, the only thing that made sense of the world was you, and without you the world will seem as garbled and tragic as a malfunctioning typewrite9.	”
	— LS to BB #5, Question Ten

“	I understand you and your husband are still alive, and rumors have reached me of your pregnancy. I hope you have a healthy baby girl--a girl with all your intelligence, charm, resourcefulness, and pleasant facial features, who will someday spend a few happy hours alone with someone she loves, up in the mountains where people of imagination and integrity can still gather, just as we did, so long ago. If not, I hope you have a healthy baby boy, or perhaps twins.	”
	— LS to BB #6

“	I can only hope for the best, just as you hoped, so many years ago, for a bat to obey your orders.	”
	— LS to BB #6

“	Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.	”
	— Final Letter to the Editor

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004 film)

I am NOT a MONKEY! The following article or section concerns information that is considered even less canonical than the chance of a happy ending. Any information following should not be used as a source for the canon of the book series.

“

I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you will be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theater number two. However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sad duty to document this tale.

”

“

And as mysterious as the source of the blaze, other mysteries began to unfold before the children's eyes. Every family has its secrets, doors left unopened. But as Klaus now realized, the smallest discovery would send his mind reeling with questions.

”

“

I tried to warn you. This is an excellent opportunity to walk out of the theater, living room or airplane where this film is being shown. It's not too late to see a film about a happy little elf.

”

“

And as unfortunate as their situation seemed, it was only about to get worse.

”

“

'Sanctuary' is a word which here means, 'a small safe place in a troubling world.' Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea. The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening in the sanctuary they had built together. But in their hearts they knew that the troubling world lay just outside.

”

“

Trumping a talentless villain might seem all in a day's work for three ingenious orphans. But the Baudelaires savored their victory as they sped towards their new home. What lay ahead for them was unclear, but they remained cautiously optimistic that their next guardian would be better than the last. Or at least wouldn't try to flatten them with a train.

”

“

Oh, I'm sorry. My ribbon just jammed. Let me just adjust it here. Right. There we are. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. The attack of the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

”

“

'And so the Baudelaire children went to Peru and together had wonderful adventures with their loving and wonderful new guardian. The end.' These are the words I desperately wish I could type. Oh, I would give anything to say that the story ends here. But alas, my mission is not to weave happy endings where they do not occur, but to report actual events in the lives of the unfortunate Baudelaire children. And as much as it pains me, I must confess that their troubles had only just begun.

”

“

There is no good moment, of course, for a notorious villain to arrive. But the timing of Olaf's reappearance, just when Dr. Montgomery's secret could be revealed to the children, was almost more than Klaus could bear.

”

“

The children's grief was not only for their uncle, but for that tender hope that they may have found home again. A hope, which, thanks to a villainous actor, was now slowly tumbling away.

”

“

Though still in the clutches of a clueless banker, the Baudelaires celebrated their unmasking of Count Olaf, as they skimmed their way across the icy surface of Lake Lachrymose. But Klaus wasn't the sort to think on the surface of anything. He knew there was something beneath their journey, even though all he had to go on was a spyglass, the knowledge of another terrible fire, and two words on a slip of paper.

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Klaus had read exactly fifteen books on sailing, and two books on meteorology. But it is one thing to do something in theory, another to do it in practice. Little could have prepared them for the crossing to Curdled Cave at the hands of an angry and ill-humored lake. But as the storm passed and the waters calmed, the Baudelaires couldn't help but feel a small sense of accomplishment. A rare moment of joy in their otherwise woeful lives. They had made it. And if their guardian could not rescue them, then they would rescue their guardian.

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Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

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Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them.

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Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.

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Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

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If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.

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When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.

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Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.

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It is difficult, when faced with a situation you cannot control, to admit you can do nothing.

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It is always sad when someone leaves home, unless they are simply going around the corner and will return in a few minutes with ice-cream sandwiches.

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There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.

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A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

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Quotes from Personal Writings

The Dark

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You might be afraid of the dark, but the dark is not afraid of you. That's why the dark is always close by.

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Without a creaky roof, the rain would fall on your bed, and without a smooth, cold window, you could never see outside, and without a set of stairs, you could never go into the basement, where the dark spends its time. Without a closet, you would have nowhere to put your shoes, and without a shower curtain, you would splash water all over the bathroom, and without the dark, everything would be light, and you would never know if you needed a lightbulb.

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29 Myths on the Swinster Pharmacy

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People get sick all the time, but nobody gets better because of the Swinster Pharmacy.

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Goldfish Ghost

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It can be hard to find the company you are looking for.

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