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I'm hurryupping.

Lizzie Haines is the daughter of Sharon Haines and the elder sister of Kellar Haines. A few years before the start of the All the Wrong Questions series, she was invited to study under Dame Sally Murphy in Stain'd-by-the-Sea, before her kidnapping by the Inhumane Society.


Early Life

We're desperate about my sister. She's all we have. We're the only ones who can help her.

Born for the stage, Lizzie is a passionate young woman who dreams of being an actress. Having been given the opportunity to learn under Dame Sally Murphy, a Stain'd-by-the-Sea legend, she took it, being very excited. She had sent many letters to her family, but after a few months, the letters stopped coming, as she had been kidnapped by the Inhumane Society.

The Haines family heard from Hangfire, who threatened them into following his instructions for her release. Kellar later leaves his Mother and Hangfire, convinced that the best way to rescue Lizzie was to fight Hangfire instead of assisting him. Sometime between her family's extortion and Why Is This Night Different from All Other Nights?, Lizzie escapes from Hangfire with the help of her mentor, Sally Murphy. 

Why Is This Night Different from All Other Nights?

Lemony Snicket: A naturalist was distressed over what had been done to the sea and its creatures, and took inspiration from the wild and lawless ways of the untamed world, and from the old myths and superstitions that were around before Stain'd-by-the-Sea even existed. He gathered whatever associates he could find into an ad hoc organization.
Lizzie Haines, quietly: The Inhumane Society.
—Chapter Thirteen

Lizzie disguised as a porter.

Dame Sally Murphy tries to help Lizzie escape from Stain'd-by-the-Sea by disguising her as a porter, with help from Polly Partial, though Lemony Snicket quickly notices them and becomes suspicious of Lizzie's fake mustache and ill-fitting uniform.

Once on the train, Lizzie disguises herself as Murphy's nephew, though once again Snicket quickly realizes that this is the same person as the porter. He informs them that the train made an unscheduled stop due to a murder, and the stop scares Lizzie and Murphy more than the murder itself. Murphy accidentally reveals that they've been hiding and almost gives away that Lizzie isn't her nephew, which causes Lizzie to poke her. Snicket reveals that Hangfire may be aboard the train, as is Kellar, and then tells them to hurry up and hide the porter's jacket. Lizzie says that she's "hurryupping," which tips Lemony off to her identity, as that is a phrase only her family uses. 

When Stew Mitchum comes to bring Snicket to Hangfire, Snicket tells Kellar to go find his sister in Murphy's compartment. He also discovers that Hangfire ordered Sharon to impersonate him when he reveals that Lizzie is safe and on the train. 

Snicket later sees Lizzie reunited with her mother and brother after the Bombinating Beast leaves, and she listens to his explanation of the mystery. He calls Lizzie and Kellar brave and resourceful and knows that they are "going to help each other." The last Snicket sees of Lizzie is of her and Kellar sitting on the fender of the taxicab, smiling and talking to each other. 

Physical Appearance

A picture of Lizzie Haines.

When Snicket sees Kellar's photo of Lizzie, she is described as looking elder than any of his associates in Stain'd-by-the-Sea, though it might have been her glamorous dress making her look older. She has a wide and eager smile and a string of pearls around her neck she was fiddling with. 

When Lizzie is in her porter disguise, Snicket believes she is around his age, and her hair is held back with multiple hairpins. When she is in another disguise on the train, Snicket recognizes that she is older than him, though not much taller. 


Lizzie Haines? An old man like myself has never heard of her.
— Official Profile[2]

Why Is This Night Different from All Other Nights?

We'd best be getting on, ma'am. We don't want to miss the train.
— Chapter Two
Dame Sally Murphy: I'll never escape Hangfire, but perhaps an actress can manage the most important performance of her life. Come now, porter.
Lizzie Haines: Yes, ma'am.
—Chapter Two

Lizzie Haines, smiling faintly over her false beard, had one arm around Kellar and one arm around her mother, and behind the family came the nervous figure of Sally Murphy.
— Lemony Snicket, Chapter Thirteen
Lemony Snicket: As a brilliant scientist, he could have saved the town, but instead he fed on the loneliness and discontent of the fading town, and pushed people in the direction he thought was right. Sometimes he did it with laudanum, and sometimes he did it with hostages.
Kellar Haines: Like Lizzie.
—Chapter Thirteen
Kellar and Lizzie were sitting on the fender of the taxicab, smiling and talking while their mother stood quietly by.
— Lemony Snicket, Chapter Thirteen




Sharon Haines
Lizzie Haines
Kellar Haines