The Penultimate Peril: Part One/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "The Penultimate Peril: Part One". Edit or add to this page, but remember all information should come directly from the original source. Any false information will be sent to The Daily Punctilio.

You started VFD? The following article or section concerns information that is considered canonical to the Netflix series, but it is unknown as to where it stands in the books' canon. It may also contain information contradictory to the books. Be very cautious when using this information as a source, or you may end up reporting for The Daily Punctilio, or on the lam. Whichever you consider worse.

This transcript is currently incomplete. Any additions in regards to dialogue and character actions would be greatly appreciated.

Disclaimer: Please note that the names of Ernest and Frank Denouement is not confirmed, unless they can be confirmed with a source. They are only used as placeholders to separate the Denouements. In some scenes throughout the episode, Frank and Ernest Denouement are confirmed.

Speaker	Dialogue
EXT. HOTEL DENOUEMENT
Lemony Snicket	Unless you were born yesterday, in which case, welcome to the world, little baby, you have probably observed that things aren't always what they seem. The surface of a pond might seem calm, when, in reality, any number of secrets might be hidden beneath it. The world is like a pond that way. When you perform even the tiniest of actions, like dropping a stone, it can ripple, until the entire world has been changed. My name is Lemony Snicket, and I recommend you drop your streaming device into a pond. Your world will be changed for the better, since you will not have to watch the sad story of the Baudelaire orphans. You will be spared the tragic tale of the Hotel Denouement. And you will never have to encounter the suspicious parties staying there, some of whom, I am sorry to report, may already be familiar.
Lemony Snicket hands a box with his typewriter inside to a concierge.
Past Lemony Snicket	Please be careful. There is a typewriter inside.
SNICKET TAXI - MORNING
Kit Snicket	Things aren't always what they seem, Baudelaires. It may seem like I'm speeding recklessly because I'm a taxi driver who doesn't care about traffic safety laws, but really, I'm trying to shake the car that's been following us.
Violet Baudelaire	There's a car following us?
Kit Snicket	I suspect it belongs to a pair of sinister villains I recently encountered on a mountain.
Klaus Baudelaire	We were there too.
Kit Snicket	I know exactly where you've been, Klaus Baudelaire. I wish I could have helped you all along, but ever since the schism, there have been more fires than even a Volunteer Fire Department can put out.
The Baudelaires see houses and mansions burnt to the ground.
Klaus Baudelaire	Those look like they burned down recently.
Kit Snicket	Our enemies are getting bolder. But the tables are about to turn, and so is this car, so hang on.
Kit swerves the car and loses the duo's car.
Kit Snicket	I know you have thousands of questions, and I wish I had time to answer them over a leisurely brunch, but our agents are already on their way to the Last Safe Place, so I'm afraid you'll have to settle for a quick debrief and a picnic in the back of a taxi. There's a picnic basket on the floor.
Violet Baudelaire	You said your name is Kit Snicket. We met a man named Jacques Snicket.
Kit Snicket	He was my brother. And he's the reason I need your help. I received this telegram instructing all volunteers to go to the Hotel Denouement on Thursday, and it's signed with my brother's initials, "J.S."
Violet Baudelaire	We received the same telegram, but it can't be from Jacques. He's...
Kit Snicket	Yes, Baudelaires. I know that my brother is dead. And I know that you tried to save him, but I'm afraid someone is impersonating him to gather all of V.F.D. in one place. We could be walking into a trap. So you need to find out if this J.S. is a friend or an enemy. Do you know what a flaneur is?
Klaus Baudelaire	A person who observes their surroundings, like a spy.
Kit Snicket	Very good. Children make the best flaneurs, since adults rarely pay attention to them. There's a secret compartment in the bottom of the picnic basket. Open it.
Violet Baudelaire	Uniforms?
Kit Snicket	Disguises. Baudelaires, I need your help. I need you to infiltrate the Hotel Denouement as concierge and learn the identity of J.S. before Thursday. I have an inside man who's made all the arrangements. All you have to say is yes. Say you'll volunteer.
Violet Baudelaire	Of course we will.
Kit Snicket	They're back.
Kit drives the car to the bushes in front of the Hotel Denouement.
EXT. HOTEL DENOUEMENT
Kit Snicket	That wasn't the route I intended to take, but here we are. The Last Safe Place.
BRINY BEACH - DAY
Count Olaf	The Hotel Denouement, that's where V.F.D. is meeting. I'll give you a moment to be impressed. You already knew that? You don't say. Well, I bet you don't know about the incredibly deadly vegetable I'm holding in my hands. If a fungus is a vegetable. Is it even a plant? Hello? Hello? Tell them thank you for the submarine!
Count Olaf hangs up the phone.
Count Olaf	They hung up.
Esmé Squalor	Don't be so desperate for approval. You sound like my husband, what's-his-name.
Count Olaf	I'm not desperate for approval. I just want to pull off something big so they'll be super impressed and regret all the things they said about me, which is totally different! Let's just get back on the sub. I feel like taking my anger out on Hooky.
Carmelita Spats	Hooky told me to give you this note.
Count Olaf	How could he give you a note? He and his triangle-eyed sister are locked in the brig.
Carmelita Spats	Oh, not anymore.
Count Olaf	What? Give me that!
Carmelita swipes the note farther away from Count Olaf.
Carmelita Spats	An extra special messenger is supposed to get an extra special tip.
Count Olaf	I'll give you this rock.
Carmelita Spats	Ew! I prefer gemstones.
Count Olaf	I prefer little girls to be quiet, so I don't get tired of their annoying demands and hit them with this rock.
Count Olaf looks at the note.
Count Olaf	"Sorry Boss." What's that supposed to mean?
Carmelita Spats	Hmm mm.
Carmelita points to the submarine, which was sinking underwater.
Esmé Squalor	Oh, no! He's kidnapped those Snow Scouts we kidnapped!
Carmelita Spats	And that guy, Phil. Now who's gonna play veterinarian with me?
Esmé Squalor	Well, at least the sub's a rental.
Count Olaf	Hooky's defected.
Esmé Squalor	Just because he doesn't have any hands?
Count Olaf	Let him go. I don't care. We got everything we needed from him. We needed a ride to the hotel.
Count Olaf sees a ship on the shore.
Count Olaf	We'll take the Olaf.
Carmelita Spats	It's called the Carmelita II.
Count Olaf	It's called the Olaf.
Carmelita Spats	It's called the Carmelita II!
Count Olaf	We'll discuss it on the way.
EXT. HOTEL DENOUEMENT
Klaus Baudelaire	Do you think we can trust Kit?
Violet Baudelaire	Since we got in her taxi, she's broken at least nine traffic safety laws, driven into a hedge, and recruited us to spy for a secret organization. I like her.
Klaus Baudelaire	Me too.
Sunny Baudelaire	Me too.
Kit uses her spyglass and spies on a man standing in the front of the Hotel Denouement.
Kit Snicket	That's Frank Denouement. He's one of the managers. He's with us. You can trust him.
Another man comes up to Frank and they start arguing or talking.
Klaus Baudelaire	I must need new glasses because I'm seeing double.
Kit Snicket	That's Frank's treacherous brother, Ernest. Do not trust him, no matter what he says. The schism has turned many siblings into enemies. Remember, F is for Frank, who is friendly. E is for Ernest, who is evil.
Violet Baudelaire	They look alike. How can we tell them apart?
Kit Snicket	Unfortunately, the only way to determine if someone is noble or wicked is through close observation. Be careful about what you tell them because if the wrong brother finds out what we're up to...
Frank spots Kit and Kit ducks behind a bush just in time.
Kit Snicket	We could all be in danger. I've sent a message to Frank. He'll meet you in the lobby, unless it was intercepted by Ernest.
Klaus Baudelaire	You're not coming?
Kit Snicket	I'm afraid I have my own mission, but I'll be back tonight. If you've discovered that the Last Safe Place is no longer safe, we'll send a signal to warn V.F.D. Do you understand?
Klaus Baudelaire	We're going to disguise ourselves as concierges to determine if J.S. is a villain or a volunteer.
Violet Baudelaire	A manager named Frank will try to help us, but his brother, Ernest, will try to stop us.
Sunny Baudelaire	Signal V.F.D.
Kit Snicket	Perfect. Do you have everything you need?
Violet Baudelaire	I can't find my ribbon.
Kit Snicket	I always carry a spare. Your mother always tied her hair up when she needed to think, too. And your father always adjusted his glasses like that before a mission. You remind me of them so much. You all do.
Klaus Baudelaire	It's hard to believe our parents went on secret missions.
Kit Snicket	Your parents put many brave deeds on the books. Without them, V.F.D. would never have survived after the schism.
Violet Baudelaire	We heard about the schism, but we still don't know what it was about.
Kit Snicket	It's a long story, but it all began one night at the opera, during a performance of La Forza del Destino.
Klaus Baudelaire	Isn't that where a gun accidentally goes off and kills somebody?
Kit Snicket	It's a tragic opera. I'm sorry, melancholy is a side effect of my condition. I'm distraught and I'm pregnant. Good luck, Baudelaires. I'll see you tonight. And please be careful.
After the Baudelaires leave her sight, Dewey Denouement comes out of somewhere and goes over to Kit.
Kit Snicket	I was hoping I'd see you before I left.
Dewey Denouement	Funny, I was hoping you'd stay.
Kit Snicket	I'll be back tonight. And if everything goes according to plan, we'll have the sugar bowl. We can end this, once and for all.
Dewey Denouement	Then what?
Kit Snicket	You, me, a tropical island, and her.
Dewey Denouement	Her? Is that a fact?
Kit Snicket	It's just a feeling.
Dewey Denouement	I never want to be apart from you again, except in the restroom, at work, and when one of us is at a movie the other one doesn't want to see.
Kit Snicket	I'll see you tonight. Send my regards to Frank.
Kit gets into her taxi.
Lemony Snicket	Evidence of a picnic, like evidence of a secret meeting, is best discarded, or it is likely to attract unsavory visitors or... ants.
Kit Snicket	Lemony. I thought you were dead.
Lemony Snicket	Hello, Kit. Could I get a ride? (Narrating) The man in the back of that taxi is myself, many years ago when I was younger and more naive than I am now. If I could go back in time, I would tell him that a light gray suit looks good, but it is easier to hide in a darker shade. I would tell him that he is about to receive sad news about someone he loves very much. And I would tell him to stay at the Hotel Denouement instead of leaving in a taxi with his sister, but I cannot change the past, any more than I can stop that taxi from driving away.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT LOBBY
Klaus Baudelaire	It won't be easy to find J.S. in a hotel this big. A big hotel can work to our advantage. If Count Olaf turns up, it won't be easy for him to find us.
Count Olaf (Tourist Dad)	Bellhop, take the luggage to the room and the, uh, Carmelita II up to the roof. Thank you.
Count Olaf walks to his "family."
Count Olaf	Remember, we have to convince any flaneurs that we're a normal, happy family on vacation.
Carmelita Spats	I don't wanna stay at some cakesniffing hotel! I want to go to Littlest Elf Land!
Count Olaf	Tell your darling little girl to stop drawing so much attention.
Esmé Squalor	If you spent more time with her, she wouldn't feel the need to act out.
Carmelita Spats	My real parents took me wherever I wanted.
Count Olaf	Some parents. They wouldn't even pay the ransom.
Esmé Squalor	Your father is very stressed about work, darling. We're going to go on a real vacation soon, Mummy promises.
Count Olaf	Yes, lie to her. That's excellent parenting. I need a drink.
Count Olaf looks toward the Baudelaires.
Count Olaf (Tourist Dad)	You! Conciergee, find the manager and tell him to bring a nice bottle of wine to our room. Something red. A sauvignon blank.
Violet Baudelaire	(Deep voice) Yes, sir.
Count Olaf	The manager's on our side of the schism. Well, one of them is, anyway.
Esmé Squalor	I hear this hotel has a spa, which is perfect because I'd like a face peel. Do you get to pick whose face, or you just peel it off whoever's around?
Count Olaf	I don't think it works that way.
Esmé Squalor	Well, I need to relieve my stress somehow if you expect me to be put in charge of planning—
Count Olaf	Not in the lobby!
Esmé Squalor	Oh!
Count Olaf	There are eyes everywhere. We'll talk about it in the room.
Carmelita Spats	I don't want to go to the room. I'm an adorable, beautiful, cute, dainty, eye-pleasing, flawless girl, and I want to go to the pool!
Count Olaf	Remind me why we can't send her back to her parents.
Esmé Squalor	We burned down their house with them inside.
Carmelita Spats	Wait, what did you say?
Esmé Squalor	Nothing, darling.
Klaus Baudelaire	Why didn't he recognize us?
Violet Baudelaire	He only saw our uniforms. The villainous hotel guests often treat staff like they're invisible.
Klaus Baudelaire	Do you think Count Olaf is the one posing as J.S.?
Frank Denouement walks up from behind them.
Violet Baudelaire	I don't know, but it can't be good that he's here. We have to find out what he and Esmé are planning.
Frank Denouement	Are you eavesdropping on our guests?
Klaus Baudelaire	We're doing the job we were instructed to do.
Frank Denouement	You must be our new concierges. Welcome to the hotel. I'm one of the managers.
Violet Baudelaire	Frank or Ernest?
Frank Denouement	Exactly. I'm happy you're here, even though one of you is unusually short because we're unusually short-handed. This way, please.
Frank leads the Baudelaires to a counter with room bells behind them on a wall.
Frank Denouement	The job of the concierge is to give our guests everything they ask for. When they ring, you volunteer.
Klaus Baudelaire	What do those numbers mean? There can't be 999 rooms in this hotel.
Frank Denouement	That's an interesting question. Do you know what they mean?
Bellboy	Some luggage arrived in a taxi, but the driver said the guest won't get here until Thursday.
Frank Denouement	Thursday? Excuse me, concierges.
Klaus Baudelaire	Do you think that was Frank?
Violet Baudelaire	He used the word volunteer. Maybe it was a code.
Klaus Baudelaire	Everything he said sounded like a code.
Ernest Denouement walks up to the desk.
Ernest Denouement	Ah, you must be our new concierges. Welcome to the Hotel Denouement. I'm one of the managers.
Klaus Baudelaire	Are you Frank or Ernest?
Ernest Denouement	I am. You're just in time. We're anticipating a large number of guests before Thursday. Do you know why?
Violet Baudelaire	We think so.
Ernest Denouement	Can you tell me?
Klaus Baudelaire	Interesting question.
Ernest Denouement	That's a smart answer. It's hard to know who you can trust in a hotel lobby. There are countless wicked people in the world. So probably sooner or later, some of them will check into a hotel.
Bellgirl	Sir, The Daily Punctilio with an update on those murderers.
Ernest Denouement	Murderers? Excuse me, concierges.
Violet Baudelaire	That had to be Ernest. The part about wicked people sounded like a threat.
Klaus Baudelaire	Unless it was a warning. I'm confused. How are we supposed to find anyone in this hotel?
Dewey Denouement walks up to the desk.
Dewey Denouement	I can answer that question. Finding someone in the Hotel Denouement is as easy as finding a book in a library, because the Hotel Denouement is not organized like a hotel at all. It's organized like a library. All guests at the hotel are placed in rooms according to where they would be shelved in a library.
Klaus Baudelaire	Well, a library organizes knowledge according to a numerical classification system.
Dewey Denouement	That's right. All guests at the hotel are placed in rooms according to where they would be shelved in a library.
Violet Baudelaire	But anyone who works here would have to know the library catalog by heart.
Dewey Denouement	Room 610. That's for our guests associated with the healthcare industry. 332, financial economics.
Violet Baudelaire	That bell doesn't have a number.
Dewey Denouement	That's our rooftop sunbathing salon. People who sunbathe usually aren't interested in library science, so they're not too picky about location. Three bells, three rooms. But you can't be in three places at once. You'll have to split up, Baudelaires.
Klaus Baudelaire	You know our names?
Violet Baudelaire	Are you Frank or Ernest?
Dewey Denouement	That's an interesting question. Your assignments await.
Lemony Snicket	It is impossible for one person to be in three places at once, unless, of course, that person is viewing a television program. A person viewing a television program does not have to choose between seeing Sunny's mysterious meeting on the third floor, Klaus's discovery of a strange conspiracy on the sixth floor, and Violet's dangerous dilemma in the rooftop sunbathing salon. You may see all three of these things. Just... not at the same time.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT'S ROOFTOP SUNBATHING SALON
Count Olaf puts on a mustache with makeup.
Count Olaf	No one's ever looked good with a mustache, so I guess I'll be the first.
Carmelita Spats	Yippee ki-yay, mateys! I'm a ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate!
Esmé Squalor	Of course you are. Carmelita's been exploring her tomboy side. Isn't she adorable?
Vice Principal Nero	As the vice principal of Prufrock Prep, I can tell you Carmelita was always an adorable girl, and now she's an adorable tomboy!
Violet Baudelaire	Some girls find "tomboy" insulting. That means their interests don't conform to somebody else's expectations.
Vice Principal Nero	Some girls find tomboy to be an insulting term that blah, blah, blah... Who dares interrupt a genius when he's sunbathing?
Esmé Squalor	Must be the concierge. You're late. I rang two whole minutes ago.
Violet Baudelaire	What is it you require, ma'am?
Esmé Squalor	Don't address me. I'd no sooner look at or speak to the help than I would wear modest clothing.
Violet Baudelaire	You're speaking to the help right now.
Esmé Squalor	I summoned you to give that adorable little girl in the yacht whatever her heart desires.
Carmelita Spats	Everyone, watch me shoot a hoop!
Carmelita throws the beach ball with the Medusoid Mycelium inside it.
Carmelita Spats	Hey, concierge, I want an ice cream cone with hot pink sprinkles, and bananas, and lemon sorbet because I'm lactose intolerant.
Esmé Squalor	My daughter and I are here on top-secret business.
Vice Principal Nero	If I may gush like an open wound, I'm not just a vice principal, but I'm also the vice president of the Esmé Squalor Fan Club! I'm your number one fan.
Esmé Squalor	That is so charming. I don't do autographs.
Vice Principal Nero	I'd love to hear more about your top-secret business. I've read every story about you in The Daily Punctilio. You are so glamorous and important. You remind me of myself. Please, tell me, what are you planning next?
Esmé Squalor	That's top secret. But I can tell you it's gonna be the "innest" cocktail party this hotel has ever seen. A cocktail party!
Vice Principal Nero	People are going to be so excited. Some will probably have heart attacks!
Esmé Squalor	I hope so. They're certainly in for a big surprise.
Vice Principal Nero	What kind of surprise?
Esmé Squalor	If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise.
Violet Baudelaire	I don't mean to eavesdrop, but I'm a member of the Esmé Squalor Fan Club, and I'd love to hear about a big surprise at a cocktail party.
Vice Principal Nero	Can't you give me a hint?
Esmé Squalor	No!
Vice Principal Nero	Pretty please! With sugar on top.
Carmelita Spats	I also want sugar on top.
Esmé Squalor	No.
Vice Principal Nero	Does it have to do with the spyglass?
Esmé Squalor	What spyglass?
Vice Principal Nero	When I was watching you from under that table, which I often do as your number one fan, I saw that you were watching the sky with a spyglass. Why?
Esmé Squalor	Because... Bird-watching is "in."
Vice Principal Nero	Bird-watching in! Wait until the readers of the Esmé Squalor Fan Club newsletter hear about that!
Esmé Squalor	You're such a wonderfully nosy man. You must know all sorts of information. I'll tell you what. I'll give you a hint about the secret ingredient in my party's hors d'oeuvres if you tell me about a certain person who's been inviting people to this hotel.
Violet Baudelaire	Hmm?
Esmé Squalor	His initials start with J.S.
Vice Principal Nero	You of all people should know who know J.S. is! He's your—
Carmelita Spats	Stupid cakesniffer! That concierge is just standing there instead of getting me my lactose-free ice cream cone!
Violet Baudelaire	I'm so sorry, Carmelita.
Esmé Squalor	Not so fast. How does a concierge know my daughter's name?
Violet Baudelaire	It's on her boat.
Vice Principal Nero	That checks out.
Carmelita Spats	Oh, there's one more thing I forgot to tell you to get me. I want a harpoon gun.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT LOBBY
Violet Baudelaire	Excuse me, sir.
Frank Denouement	Is there a problem?
Violet Baudelaire	A guest asked for something. I don't think I should give it to her.
Frank Denouement	The job of the concierge is to give the guests exactly what they ask for. Giving a harpoon gun to Carmelita Spats would be wrong. But not giving it to her would be suspicious. V.F.D. is aware of Ms. Spats' intentions, and we've already taken them into account. Sometimes what seems wrong is really part of a larger plan. Can I trust you, concierge?
Violet Baudelaire	If I can trust you.
Hotel Denouement Clock	WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
Lemony Snicket
HOTEL DENOUEMENT'S SIXTH FLOOR
Babs	Thank goodness you got here so fast. I rang two minutes ago, and it's an emergency.
Klaus Baudelaire	Babs?
Babs	How do you know my name?
Klaus Baudelaire	It's on your name tag.
Babs	Well, that makes sense. I'm sorry I'm so jumpy, but the last person I trusted tied me up, stole my clipboard, and burned down my hospital. I'll never get that clipboard back.
Klaus Baudelaire	You said there was an emergency.
Babs	Yes, it's terrible. I'm supposed to meet my boyfriend in the sauna, but this hotel is poorly organized, so I have no idea where it is.
Klaus Baudelaire	Well, the 200s are the library catalog numbers for religion, and saunas are often a place for spiritual contemplation, so the sauna is on the second floor.
Babs	My, you're smart. Have you considered being a doctor?
Klaus Baudelaire	Right this way, ma'am. Your boyfriend should be inside.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT SAUNA
Jerome Squalor	Who's there? I can't see a thing in this steam.
Babs	It's your girlfriend! And the concierge.
Ah, the concierge! I would love an aqueous martini. I'm hooked, although I know they're terribly out of style.
Klaus Baudelaire	You two are a couple?
Jerome Squalor	Yes, yes! We met at a support group for people who were terrorized by Esmé Squalor, and we fell hopelessly in love. Isn't that right, love of my life?
Babs	It's definitely not a cover story, fire of my loins.
Klaus Baudelaire	I'll get that martini.
Jerome Squalor	He's gone.
Babs	I'm so anxious. How long do we have to keep this act up?
Jerome Squalor	There are enemies in this hotel. We have to make them think we're a happy couple if we want to help the Baudelaires. That's what J.S. said in that telegram. Oh, the Baudelaires. Letting them go was the biggest mistake of my life.
Babs	I shouldn't have let that man who said he was a doctor nearly cut off their heads.
Jerome Squalor	Hmm. We just have to wait till Thursday. That's when all these unfortunate events will be over and I go back to the real love of my life. We met at a support group for people who have escaped horrible partners. He got a telegram from J.S. too, but he couldn't be here. He's busy at his lumbermill.
Babs	Oh, oh, oh. Well, I have someone too. She also received a telegram, but couldn't make it either. She's in prison for bank robbery.
Jerome Squalor	Ah! Well, J.S. did say that everyone who's ever met the Baudelaires was invited, so that makes sense.
Klaus Baudelaire	Excuse me. I have a telegram from J.S., although I can't give it to you until you give me his name.
Jerome Squalor	You mean her name. J.S. is a woman.
Babs	I thought he was a sea captain.
Jerome Squalor	Hmm...
Count Olaf enters the sauna.
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Well, well, well. What do we have here? I fear I'm overdressed.
Babs and Jerome look at Count Olaf's tuxedo.
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	It's blood.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT'S SIXTH FLOOR
Ernest Denouement	Ah, there you are, concierge. I have an important job for you. I need you to help me hang this from the window of room 598, but we must be careful. It's so sticky that anything it touches becomes instantly trapped.
Klaus Baudelaire	Is it flypaper?
Ernest Denouement	Yes, although our problem is not flies. It's birds.
Klaus Baudelaire	You want me to hang flypaper out of the window of a hotel room to trap birds? That seems strange.
Ernest Denouement	Sometimes what seems strange is really part of a larger plan. Can I trust you, concierge?
Klaus Baudelaire	If I can trust you.
Hotel Denouement Clock	WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
Lemony Snicket	As you know, the noise made by the clock in the lobby of the Hotel Denouement sounded a lot like a word. This word described Klaus Baudelaire as he helped hang a strip of birdpaper outside the fifth floor.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT'S THIRD FLOOR
Arthur Poe	That's odd. I could've sworn I heard someone knock at the door. Ah! Oh, there you are. I rang two minutes ago, which is exactly the amount of time it takes to get from the third floor to the lobby, so you're neither early nor late. My, the concierges are short in this hotel.
Sunny Baudelaire	I despise you.
Arthur Poe	I have no idea what you're saying. So I have a very important meeting in the restaurant in room 954, but my secretary, Jacquelyn Scieszka, moved to Winnipeg, and my other secretary, whose name I never learned, quit abruptly this morning. So, do you have any secretarial experience?
Sunny Baudelaire	Yes.
Arthur Poe	Excellent! Follow me. You remind me of a toddler I know. I mean, obviously you can't be her. I mean, why would a toddler be working at a hotel and as a concierge? Oh, I just must be hungry for a familiar face.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT'S INDIAN RESTAURANT - NINTH FLOOR
Larry Your-Waiter	Hello, I'm Larry Your-Waiter. I hope you're hungry for Indian food. In room 954, which is the library catalog number for India and South Asia, we're proud to serve a wide variety of Indian dishes. The culinary history of the region is quite fascinating.
Arthur Poe	I'll just have a glass of milk.
Larry Your-Waiter	Don't want to broaden your horizons?
Arthur Poe	No, thank you. I'm afraid of foreigners.
Larry Your-Waiter	One glass of milk coming up, and something to bite for the little lady.
Arthur Poe	I swear I've seen that waiter somewhere before. It's the oddest thing, but this hotel is positively packed with familiar faces. Ah, you must be J.S.!
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Call me Snicket. Jacques Snicket. We've never met.
Arthur Poe	Oh, you're most certainly right we've never met. I may forget a name, but I never remember a face.
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Well, lookee here. A small child. As an upstanding, book-reading, still-living citizen, I sure love children. I love 'em so darn much. It's frankly kind of disturbing how much I love children.
Count Olaf points a kitchen knife at Sunny's leg.
Count Olaf	Which is why I am not going to let you out of my sight.
Arthur Poe	This is actually my secretary. Well, technically, she's a concierge. Shall we get started?
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Did you procure the items I requested? I said "procure", when a perfectly normal word would do, because I, Jacques Snicket, am an insufferable know-it-all who likes to show off.
Arthur Poe	I read your telegram.
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Which I signed J.S.
Arthur Poe	Which you signed J.S., yes.
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Which are definitely my initials.
Arthur Poe	Which are certainly your initials. And as requested, I gathered everything I found in the Baudelaire case, including all the information that could incriminate Count Olaf.
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Super. I'll just take that.
Arthur Poe	Then I thought I'd be remiss in my duties as a banker if I handed an incomplete file. After all, you requested everything. So I did some digging, and do you know what I found?
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Uh... what?
Arthur Poe	Everything. I combed through thousands of documents until I found each bit evidence that could relate to the Baudelaire case.
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	How tedious.
Arthur Poe	Oh, compliment taken. A bank is a bit like a library, although we don't approve of people browsing. And once I gathered it all up, I came to a shocking discovery.
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Do you have to get out more?
Arthur Poe	This file is more than a collection of esoteric documents chronicling the unhappy lives of several children. No! When taken together, it forms a complete history of injustice, as demonstrated by a wicked villain, his treacherous girlfriend, and various well-meaning yet ineffectual authority figures who help him, intentionally or unintentionally, along the way. I even gave it my own title. I call it, The Complete History of Injustice or Odious Lusting After Fortunes.
Sunny Baudelaire	O.L.A.F.
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Mr. Poe, this is a shocking development. I promise to keep that file safe, or my name isn't Jacques Snicket, a pompous dogooder who is definitely not dead.
Arthur Poe	This isn't the file.
Count Olaf	Beg your pardon?
Arthur Poe	This is the index. The file was too big for my briefcase. It's being delivered tonight by another client who requested the same materials. In fact, you both have the exact same initials.
Larry Your-Waiter	J.S.
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Larry. Fancy seeing you here.
Larry Your-Waiter	I forgot your milk.
Arthur Poe	But it's on that... that tray.
Larry Your-Waiter	I'll get it from the chef.
Larry walks back into the kitchen.
Arthur Poe	Odd service.
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Hotel restaurants! So tell me, who is this other J.S. that seems so interested in the Baudelaire orphans?
Arthur Poe	I'm afraid I can't discuss that. Banker-client confidentiality.
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Pretend your life depended on it.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT'S INDIAN RESTAURANT'S KITCHEN
Larry Your-Waiter	Things are worse than we thought. How soon before J.S. arrives? The real J.S., not that impostor in the dining room.
Dewey Denouement	Tonight. And the package will be arriving as well. But our enemies are watching the skies. If they intercept the delivery, we will all be eating crow.
Larry Your-Waiter	Crow is tough to eat. I hope we have enough sugar.
Dewey Denouement	Especially if there are mushrooms on the menu.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT'S INDIAN RESTAURANT - NINTH FLOOR
Arthur Poe	That came from the kitchen.
Count Olaf ("Jacques Snicket")	Where did your secretary go?
HOTEL DENOUEMENT'S INDIAN RESTAURANT'S KITCHEN
Dewey Denouement	Ah, concierge, I need you to come with me to room 025, the laundry room. I need you to put this special lock on the door.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT'S INDIAN RESTAURANT - NINTH FLOOR
Arthur Poe	They tend to just wander off, like orphans or cats.
Count Olaf	I know how to make a cat stay. You skin it.
Arthur Poe	If you see that waiter, tell him I'm still waiting on that milk.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT'S INDIAN RESTAURANT'S KITCHEN
Dewey Denouement	We'll take the service elevator.
Sunny Baudelaire	Mysterious.
Dewey Denouement	Exactly. Sometimes what seems mysterious is really part of a larger plan.
Dewey and Sunny close the elevator, and meanwhile, Count Olaf bursts into the kitchen with a kitchen knife.
Count Olaf	Larry, you're done ruining my schemes, and also my lunch.
Larry Your-Waiter	Oh, you haven't even tried the curry.
Count Olaf	It's way too spicy.
Larry Your-Waiter	Olaf, you lack more than an appreciation for subcontinental cuisine. You lack morals and ethics. And back-up! Where are your associates now?
Count Olaf	Where are yours? Oh, right, I killed them all!
Larry Your-Waiter	You can wear a fake mustache, you can rent a tuxedo—
Count Olaf	This isn't rented. I stole it.
Larry Your-Waiter	You'll never be half the man Jacques Snicket was.
Count Olaf	At least I'm not going to be cooked alive in curry.
Larry Your-Waiter	Is that a threat?
Count Olaf	Did it sound like one?
Larry Your-Waiter	Yes, it did.
Count Olaf	Well, good, it was.
Ernest steps into the kitchen.
Larry Your-Waiter	You'll see about that. Frank, would you please escort this villain off the premises?
Count Olaf	I think you mean Ernest.
Ernest gets his rope out.
Ernest Denouement	Yippee ki-yay.
Ernest lassos Larry, while Count Olaf prepares the hook used to trap and kill Larry.
Larry Your-Waiter	Unhand me, you cretins! You cads! You man-handling impostors! It's an insult! It's an outrage! This is no way to treat a waiter!
Ernest holds the rope.
Count Olaf	I'm sorry it has to end like this. Our little tête-à-têtes have been fun, but this rivalry, like this sauce, has simmered far too long.
Larry Your-Waiter	Do you expect me to talk?
Count Olaf	No, Larry Your-Waiter. I expect you to boil.
Ernest lets go of the rope, which drowns Larry into the pot of curry, killing him. When Larry dies, curry gets splashed on Count Olaf's tuxedo he stole.
Count Olaf	Great. This was dry-clean only.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT'S LAUNDRY ROOM
Dewey Denouement	It's important to keep this room secure. Can I trust you, concierge?
Sunny Baudelaire	Yes. (If I can trust you.)
Hotel Denouement Clock	WRONG.
Lemony Snicket	The sound of the clock in the lobby described Sunny Baudelaire as she turned the laundry room entrance into a Vernacularly Fastened Door. But it also describes the story of the Baudelaires because everything they thought they knew about their lives, their situation, and the Hotel Denouement... was wrong.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT LOBBY
Lemony Snicket and the Hotel Denouement Clock	Wrong. Wrong.
HOTEL DENOUEMENT LOBBY - NIGHT