The Reptile Room: Part One/Transcript

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Speaker	Dialogue
EXT. MONTY MONTGOMERY'S HOUSE
Broken-Hearted Crocodile cries "Woe is me".
Lemony Snicket	The cry you are hearing is that of the broken-hearted crocodile. It is a crocodile species that is found in swampy regions that are particularly sad.
Lemony pauses to listen to the crocodile.
Lemony Snicket	My name is Lemony Snicket and it is my sworn duty to carefully research the dire plight of the Baudelaire orphans, but there is no reason to make yourself as miserable and melancholy as I am.
Lemony pauses again.
Lemony Snicket	If I were you, I would look away before viewing any of the horrible and horrifying events that comprise this ghastly new episode in the Baudelaires' unfortunate lives .
MR. POE'S CAR - DAY
Arthur Poe	It's a brand new episode in your lives, Baudelaires. In a few minutes you'll be meeting your new guardian, Doctor Montgomery. He's your closest living relative and apparently should have been your guardian all along, according to your deceased parents will. I'm beginning to think it was a mistake to listen to that oddly-dressed consultant who walked into my office with no references and no identification, and who suggested that I place you in Count Olaf's care.
Violet Baudelaire	My siblings and I wholeheartedly agree.
Sunny Baudelaire	You're a disgrace to your profession.
Arthur Poe	My recently-rehired secretary Jacquelyn is nervous that Count Olaf is still at large, but I don't think Olaf will be able to find you way out here. Oh, look, there's an easy-to-read sign for Lousy Lane.
Lemony Snicket	The Baudelaire orphans more than wholeheartedly agreed. And living with Count Olaf had been more than a mistake. It had been a disaster. It had been a catastrophe. And the worst of it was that the villainous Count Olaf was still at large, a phrase which here means that the authorities had not caught him and would not catch him for a very long time.
Arthur Poe	By the way, the police tell me they feel very confident that Count Olaf will be caught in no time at all. Ah, here's the turn.
Lemony Snicket	Lousy Lane is perhaps the most unpleasant lane in the world. It runs past an orchard of trees which once produced apples so sour, one only had to look at them to feel ill. And it encircles a horseradish factory, so the entire area smells bitter and strong.
Mr. Poe coughs.
Klaus Baudelaire	Uh, what... what is that smell?
Arthur Poe	It's ginger, I believe. We're here.
Klaus Baudelaire	How exactly is Dr. Montgomery related to us?
Arthur Poe	Dr. Montgomery is, let me see, your late father's cousin's wife's brother. That probably explains why you never met him.
Sunny Baudelaire	But it doesn't explain why we're being sent to live with him.
Arthur Poe	Come along, Violet.
Violet Baudelaire	What do we call him? I mean, he's not exactly our uncle.
Arthur Poe	Well, you can call him Dr. Montgomery, unless of course he asks you to call him by his first name, in which case you'll call him Montgomery.
Klaus Baudelaire	His name is Montgomery Montgomery?
Arthur Poe	Yes, yes. And I'm sure he's very sensitive about that, so please don't ridicule him. "Ridicule" means "tease."
Klaus Baudelaire	We know what ridicule means.
Arthur Poe	I can... I can still smell that ginger.
Violet Baudelaire	I hope Dr. Montgomery is a decent person.
The doorbell of Monty's house rings.
Monty Montgomery	Hello, hello, hello. You must be the Baudelaires.
Arthur Poe	Yes.
Monty Montgomery	Well, this is perfect timing because I have just finished frosting this delicious coconut cream cake. Take a fork, take a fork, take a fork.
Violet Baudelaire	Nice to meet you, Dr. Montgomery.
Monty Montgomery	Please, call me Monty. I don't like fancy titles unless they get me a discount at the movies. Ah, do you like going to the movies?
Violet Baudelaire	Very much. But our parents didn't take us very often.
Monty Montgomery	Well, we are going to go a lot. To some very important and very special films.
Violet Baudelaire	Um, Dawn Patrol, the 1938 version.
Monty Montgomery	It was your father's favorite, too. Well, let's not stand out here. Come in!
Arthur Poe	Let's go. Come along. Yes, we're going.
INT. MONTY MONTGOMERY'S HOUSE
Monty Montgomery	Now you must be Violet, the inventor. And you are Klaus, the reader. Your mother was so proud of your voracious intellectual appetites. And you must be Sunny. Would you like a piece of cake?
Klaus Baudelaire	My sister prefers very hard food.
Monty Montgomery	Ah. Well, that is unusual for a baby. But not so unusual for many snakes. Perhaps Sunny would prefer a raw carrot?
Sunny Baudelaire	That would be lovely.
Monty Montgomery	Well, that leaves one extra slice of cake. Hmm...
(They look at Mr. Poe.)
Monty Montgomery	I know. I'll eat it myself. (chuckles) I'm just kidding, just kidding, Mr. Poe of Mulctuary Money Management, you are welcome to a slice of cake.
Arthur Poe	No, I should be getting back to the bank soon. (coughs) Besides, coconut leaves a funny feeling in my mouth. If you need anything, Baudelaires, remember, you can always reach me--
Monty Montgomery	They won't need anything from you, Mr. Poe. They're finally in my care, and I will dedicate myself to their safety, comfort and happiness as enthusiastically as I have dedicated myself to this coconut cream cake.
Klaus Baudelaire	Our parents' fortune can't be used until Violet comes of age.
Arthur Poe	Klaus, don't be rude. Though, legally, he's correct about the fortune.
Monty Montgomery	I don't give a fig about the Baudelaire fortune, Mr. Poe, what with my salary from the Herpetological Society. But, as a scientist... I do admire your skepticism, Klaus. It's understandable after what you children have been through.
Arthur Poe	Ah, that unpleasantness with Count Olaf. No need to scare the man.
Iguana clock screeches.
Arthur Poe	(screams)
Monty Montgomery	Terribly sorry, Mr. Poe. My screeching iguana clock does tend to startle some people. But then, so, of course, does the screeching iguana.
Arthur Poe	I think I'll see myself out.
Monty Montgomery	Capital idea.
Violet Baudelaire	Bye, Mr. Poe.
Sunny Baudelaire	Good riddance.
Klaus Baudelaire	Bye.
Arthur Poe	Goodbye, children. Remember you can reach me at Mulctuary Money Management if you need me for anything. Just don't forget to call--
Monty closes the door.
Monty Montgomery	I'm terribly sorry if I was rude to him, children, but, frankly, that man ruffles my scales. "Unpleasantness with Count Olaf," he says, when Mr. Poe is the very reason you were put with Count Olaf in the first place. Well, not to worry. You're finally safe now, children, just as your parents wanted.
Violet Baudelaire	Actually, Dr. Montgomery--
Monty Montgomery	Monty.
Violet Baudelaire	Monty--
Monty Montgomery	Uncle Monty, I hope, once you get used to me.
Violet Baudelaire	Monty, our parents never mentioned you.
Monty Montgomery	Really?
Klaus Baudelaire	Really.
Monty Montgomery	Dr. Montgomery Montgomery? Renowned scientist?
Sunny Baudelaire	Nope.
Monty Montgomery	Herpetologist? Hmm. That is astonishing. (snaps fingers) Follow me. Now, your parents and I practically grew up together. I can't believe your parents never told you about me. I loved them dearly. Look, here's a picture of us.
Klaus Baudelaire	There's no one in that picture.
Monty Montgomery	We're locked inside the piano. Ah, we were so young. Well, it seems that some proper introductions need to be made. Do you know what "herpetology" means?
Klaus Baudelaire	Well, "ology" always means "the study of--"
Monty Montgomery	Snakes. Snakes, snakes, snakes. That's what I study. I circle the globe in search of a creature who can encircle a globe. Oh, don't worry about your dishes. Just leave them anywhere. Gustav will wash them up. Uh... Gustav! Oh, drat.
Violet Baudelaire	What?
Monty Montgomery	I forgot all about Gustav. He was my assistant for many years, then he left me a quite unexpected letter of resignation just yesterday morning. Quite surprising, really. Well, no matter what. Who needs an assistant when I have three charming Baudelaire bambinis to help me with my research?
Klaus Baudelaire	Bambini?
Monty Montgomery	Bambini. It's Italian for "children." (chuckles) Why, I'm so giddy having you here that I might as well be talking gibberish. Now, Baudelaires, I am about to show you one of the most important scientific collections in the history of the world. Spies and rivals in the world of herpetology would eat nine garter snakes to get a glimpse of the wonders inside this room. This door has been installed with top-of-the-line security system. You can't get inside unless you have 19 keys, three combinations, two fingerprints and one optical scan. Or, as I share with my most trusted associates... by turning this doorknob... right here.
INT. THE REPTILE ROOM
Monty Montgomery	This is the Reptile Room. Feel free to explore. Here is the lizard wing... and here... is a winged lizard.
Lizard chitters.
Monty Montgomery	Now, see his yellow-striped belly, a sign of camouflage and cowardice.
Violet Baudelaire	Can it really fly?
Monty Montgomery	He can fly on cue. Fly!
Monty thrusts his arm and the lizard takes off, circling the room before landing on a branch.
Sunny Baudelaire	(coos and gasps)
Monty Montgomery	And here... we have the dissonant tortoises, soothed only by the music of Alexander Scriabin or early Sonic Youth.
Monty leads them to a large, cloaked cage.
Monty Montgomery	This, my dears, is my most recent discovery. The crown jewel of the Montgomery Reptile Collection. I discovered him on a recent journey and I brought him under cover of night and a very large hat. Because next month, I am going to present him to the Herpetological Society as my new discovery.
Monty pulls a rope to reveal the cage containing the Incredibly Deadly Viper.
Monty Montgomery	I discovered him, so I got to name him.
Incredibly Deadly Viper	(hisses)
Sunny Baudelaire	(babbles)
Violet Baudelaire	What is it called?
Monty Montgomery	The incredibly deadly viper.
Violet Baudelaire	(screams)
INT. A BEDROOM
Lemony sits with a cup of tea as the Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home is visible through the window.
Lemony Snicket	One thing that I have found is that when the story of the Baudelaires becomes too upsetting for me, when it becomes absolutely overwhelming, it is useful to stop for a moment of contemplation, uh, with a cup of tea or some other powerful beverage. However, I can sip my tea knowing that Sunny Baudelaire absolutely survives this particular incident. It is Dr. Montgomery, however, who ends up dead, although not yet. Anyways, apologies for the interruption. Cheers.
INT. THE REPTILE ROOM
Monty Montgomery	(laughs)
Klaus Baudelaire	Do something!
Violet Baudelaire	Sunny!
Sunny sits on the floor, encircled by the Incredibly Deadly Viper
Klaus Baudelaire	Get the snake! The snake!
Violet Baudelaire	What are you doing?
Klaus Baudelaire	You let a deadly snake bite our sister! (to Violet) I told you we couldn't trust him.
Violet Baudelaire	You're laughing?
Sunny Baudelaire	(giggles)]
Monty	(continues laughing) I'm terribly sorry, children.
Monty picks up the snake and encourages it back into the cage.
Monty Montgomery	I'm so sorry. Oh. [chuckles] But the incredibly deadly viper is one of the friendliest and least dangerous animals in the entire animal kingdom. Sunny will come to no harm and neither will you.
Violet Baudelaire	But it's called the incredibly deadly viper.
Monty Montgomery	Yes. It's a misnomer. Do you know what that means?
Klaus Baudelaire	"A very wrong name"?
Monty Montgomery	Well, a very fitting definition.
Sunny Baudelaire	(coos)
Klaus Baudelaire	Why would you give your own discovery the wrong name?
Monty Montgomery	Because... I intend to play a little joke on those stuffed shirts at the Herpetological Society. Payback for years of ridicule. "Hello, hello, Montgomery Montgomery. How do you do, how do you do, Montgomery Montgomery?" Well, at our next meeting, I'm going to introduce the incredibly deadly viper, and then pretend it's escaped. And you know who'll be laughing then? Me.
Violet Baudelaire	Are there any snakes in this room that are dangerous?
Monty Montgomery	Well, of course. You can't study snakes and not find some that are dangerous. I have an entire cabinet full of venom samples from some of the most venomous snakes known to man. And woman. Which leads me to the heart of the operation.
Monty leads them to an area of the room filled with bookshelves.
Monty Montgomery	Now, bambini, this is the most important part of the Reptile Room: my scientific library. The deepest secrets of the snake world can be found in these pages. And I hope that you'll find them.
Klaus Baudelaire	So we're allowed to read all these books?
Monty Montgomery	You are not only allowed, you are implored to read these books. You know, I always wanted to have a family of my own. But... time flies like a winged lizard. Now... I know... that a few dangerous reptiles can make you skeptical of the entire species. But, if you give them a chance... and you get to know them well enough to tell the dangerous from the good...
Monty picks up a chameleon and hands it to Klaus.
Monty Montgomery	I promise you... no harm will come to you in the Reptile Room.
Lemony Snicket	There is a type of situation which occurs all too often in the story of the Baudelaire orphans, called dramatic irony. Simply put, dramatic irony is when a person makes a remark, and someone who hears it knows something, which makes the remark have a different, usually unpleasant, meaning. Uh, for example, if I were to say, "I can't wait to eat this almond cookie," but there were people around that knew the almond cookie was poisoned, that would be dramatic irony. For that reason, when we hear Uncle Monty tell the children...
Monty Montgomery	I promise you, no harm will come to you in the Reptile Room.
Lemony Snicket	...we should be on guard for the unpleasant arrival of dramatic irony.
EXT. MONTY MONTGOMERY'S HOUSE
(broken-hearted crocodile croaks "Woe is me")
INT. THE REPTILE ROOM
An iguana enters through a pet flap.
Klaus stands at a table while Violet and Sunny sit on the floor by a tortoise.
(broken-hearted crocodile croaks "Woe is me")
Violet Baudelaire	Don't be sad. Uncle Monty will be down soon.
Klaus Baudelaire	(chuckles) It can't understand you. Dr. Montgomery said the broken-hearted crocodile's mating call just happens to sound like depressed human speech.
Violet Baudelaire	I know. Just like talking to it.
Klaus Baudelaire	I wish he'd go back outside. He's... annoying.
(broken-hearted crocodile croaks "Woe is me")
Klaus Baudelaire	Woe is you? We're the ones whose parents perished in a fire and now we're being passed around like hot potatoes.
Violet Baudelaire	Look, Klaus. It can't understand you.
Klaus Baudelaire	I know that!
Klaus suddenly rolls out the map in front of him in frustration.
Klaus Baudelaire	Sorry.
Violet Baudelaire	Klaus, I know how you feel. We're always gonna miss our parents. But... Monty's been a good guardian so far and it seems like our parents really wanted us here.
Klaus Baudelaire	But that's just it. Our parents never mentioned Dr. Montgomery. Why did we never visit him? I thought we knew all our parents' friends. I thought we knew everything about them.
Violet Baudelaire	I'm sure they had a good reason for not telling us about Monty.
Klaus Baudelaire	Maybe it was the same reason they sent us to Briny Beach that day. Or maybe there was a more sinister reason.
Monty Montgomery	Bambini? Baudelaire bambini! There you are. How was your day?
Violet Baudelaire	I polished the tortoise and Sunny fed it some bananas and Klaus clipped the iguana's nails.
Sunny Baudelaire	It got messy.
Monty Montgomery	Ah, thank you. I'm so grateful. Perhaps, when I'm out, you can lure the androgynous cobra out of my sock drawer.
Klaus Baudelaire	Where are you going?
Monty Montgomery	Well, I'm gonna go into town and pick up a few things that I like to keep in stock. Wasp repellent, canned peaches, a fireproof canoe. And then, tonight, we'll go and see our first movie. Won't that be exciting?
Violet Baudelaire	What movie are we seeing?
Monty Montgomery	Well, we won't know until we get there.
Klaus Baudelaire	I've never heard of a movie theater that doesn't tell you what movie is playing.
Monty Montgomery	(chuckles) Klaus Baudelaire, I have a feeling there are many things that you're going to see that you've never heard of before. Life is a conundrum of esoterica. Come along, Raymond Ditmars.
Monty attaches a leash to the iguana.
Monty Montgomery	There we go. Come along. Yes. Now, there we go. Ta-ta for now. Come along, come along. Yes. Yes. That's right.
Monty exits, walking the iguana.
Violet Baudelaire	What did he mean, "conundrum of esoterica"?
Klaus Baudelaire	Well, a conundrum is a mystery. And esoterica are obscure objects or documents.
Klaus spreads out a blue diagram titled "EXT DR. MONTGOMERY MONTGOMERY".
Klaus Baudelaire	Look at this. This is the original blueprint for Dr. Montgomery's landscaping. Those hedges outside make up a labyrinth. And if you look at the labyrinth from the top, it's...
Violet Baudelaire	It looks like the tattoo Count Olaf has on his ankle.
Klaus Baudelaire	It's a mark of villainy.
EXT. MONTY MONTGOMERY'S HOUSE
A bald, bearded man with two briefcases walks briskly through the hedge maze.
Violet Baudelaire	(O.S.) Monty cannot be in cahoots with Count Olaf. (sighs) He seems too nice.
Klaus Baudelaire	(O.S.) Things aren't always as they seem. Something strange is going on here.
INT. THE REPTILE ROOM
Klaus Baudelaire	Mother and Father told us all sorts of stories that happened before we were born. So why doesn't the name Montgomery Montgomery ring a bell?
The doorbell rings.
Klaus and Violet exchange looks.
Sunny Baudelaire	Don't answer it.
They walk to the door, carrying Sunny. Opening it reveals Count Olaf in disguise as Stephano.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	(heavy accent) Good morning. I am Stephano, Dr. Montgomery Montgomery's new assistant.
Klaus Baudelaire	It's afternoon. And you're Count Olaf.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Perhaps one of you can take my suitcases up to my room. The ride along that smelly road was dull and unpleasant, and Stephano is very tired.
Violet Baudelaire	You're Count Olaf, and if anyone ever deserved to travel along Lousy Lane, it's you.
Klaus Baudelaire	We will not help you with your luggage and we will not let you in this house.
Klaus attempts to close the door, but Olaf uses a knife to prevent it closing. He enters, brandishing the knife at the children.
Count Olaf	(in normal voice) Well, I see you children haven't changed a bit. Violet, you're obviously as stubborn as ever. Klaus, you're still wearing those idiotic glasses from reading too many books. And I can see little Sunny here still has nine toes instead of ten.
Olaf continues advancing with the knife, and the children are forced to back up slowly, to the stairs, and up them.
Sunny Baudelaire	Uh oh!
Klaus Baudelaire	What are you talking about? My sister has ten toes, like the vast majority of people.
Count Olaf	Really? That's odd. I could have sworn that she lost one of her toes in an accident. I seem to recall a man named Stephano being so confused by being called Count Olaf that he accidentally dropped his knife on one of her little feet and severed one of her toes.
Violet Baudelaire	You wouldn't dare.
Count Olaf	Let's not discuss what I would or would not dare do. Instead, let's discuss your poor, unfortunate parents.
Olaf gestures with the knife at the photo of the piano the Baudelaire parents hid in.
Count Olaf	[chuckles] Your father and mother were very brave in their days. But... (imitates fire) their days are done, Baudelaires.
Klaus Baudelaire	That is not a photo of our parents.
Count Olaf	Yes, it is. They're inside the piano.
Klaus Baudelaire	How do you know that?
Count Olaf	I took the picture.
Olaf continues advancing.
Count Olaf	And now, all that's left of them is their enormous fortune, and that enormous fortune is mine.
Klaus Baudelaire	Never.
Count Olaf	Never is a very long time. And your ridiculous uncle will be back in a few seconds.
The screeching iguana clock jumps out in front of Olaf, startling him.
Count Olaf	(gasps and screams)
The children begin to run to the stairs to escape. Olaf grab's Klaus's wrist, only for a moment, but the piece of the Spyglass falls from Klaus's pocket and rolls down the stairs.
Klaus Baudelaire	Run!
Klaus manages to grab the half Spyglass as he catches up with his sisters. They duck into the Reptile Room and close the door as Olaf throws his knife at them. It lodges in the door.
Count Olaf	Blast!
Olaf grabs the knife and pulls it from the door.
Count Olaf	Furnaces of hell!
Olaf pounds at the door.
Count Olaf	Baudelaires! Baudelaires! (chuckles) I've brought you a present. It's very sharp.
The Baudelaires continue backing up slowly, staring at the closed door.
Klaus Baudelaire	How did he find us?
Violet Baudelaire	That's the wrong question. What do we do?
Count Olaf	Open this door!
Klaus Baudelaire	We can smash a window and make our way into town and catch a train far away from here.
Violet Baudelaire	And where would we go?
Klaus Baudelaire	Anywhere but here.
Violet Baudelaire	If Count Olaf found us here, he could find us wherever we went.
Count Olaf	Open this door!
Klaus Baudelaire	We can't just stay here and wait for him to burst in and slaughter us.
Violet Baudelaire	He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't hurt us till he gets his hands on our fortune. He must have some scheme. I just don't know what it could be.
Klaus Baudelaire	We should never have let him in the house.
Violet Baudelaire	We can't think about that now.
Count Olaf	Open the door!
EXT. MONTY MONTGOMERY'S HOUSE
Lemony Snicket	(O.S.) For years afterwards, the Baudelaires wondered what they might have done differently the day Count Olaf appeared at their door. Maybe, they thought, just maybe, they could've saved Monty's life.
An orange and white truck with a red canoe on top pulls into the driveway and stops in front of the house, with a honk.
Klaus Baudelaire	Monty's back.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Hello!
The Baudelaires watch through the window as Stephano greets Monty.
Violet Baudelaire	He'll see right through Stephano's disguise... won't he?
Count Olaf (Stephano)	My name is Stephano. I have been sent from very far away.
Monty Montgomery	Well, that is an unusual and long-winded explanation.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Thank you.
Monty Montgomery	Uh... so let me understand this. You are my new assistant, sent to me even though I didn't ask for one, by the Scientific Society Seeking to Soothe Stress and Suffering.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Yes. "SSSSSS" for short.
Monty Montgomery	"SSSSSS."
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Mmm... No. It's "SSSSSS."
Monty Montgomery	"SSSSSS."
Count Olaf (Stephano)	No. Listen to... "SSSSSS."
Monty Montgomery	Ah, yeah, uh... "SSSSSS."
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Yes.
Monty Montgomery	Ah... And your name is Stephano?
Count Olaf (Stephano)	What? Yes. Yes. Definitely.
Monty Montgomery	Ah! And these are your papers.
Monty Montgomery	Yes.
Stephano unfolds a long sheet with various images of passports and licenses, with large text reading "STEPHANO, ASSISTANT - SCIENTIFIC SOCIETY SEEKING TO SOOTHE STRESS & SUFFERING".
Monty Montgomery	[mumbling] "Stephano... SSSSSS" Hmm. Well, seems everything is settled, then.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Really?
Monty Montgomery	Yes. Welcome. Come inside.
Monty leads Stephano inside as the Baudelaires back up in disbelief.
INT. MONTY MONTGOMERY'S HOUSE
Monty Montgomery	Come in, come in. Welcome to my home... um... uh...
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Uh...
Monty Montgomery	Stephano!
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Stephano!
Monty Montgomery	Stephano. Yes. Well, there's a spare room upstairs. It's small, but like I said, I have three young children living with me, so living quarters are quite tight.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Not for long. I mean, I don't mind.
Monty Montgomery	Ah. Well, why don't you go upstairs and get yourself settled? And I will go and find the children, who you say have... hidden themselves in the Reptile Room because you chased them up and down the staircase with a knife.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	A simple misunderstanding.
Monty Montgomery	Yes. Well, I'm sure they'll be glad to hear that. Are those suitcases alligator skin?
Count Olaf (Stephano)	I really love reptiles.
Monty Montgomery	Hmm. Baudelaires?
Klaus Baudelaire	Is that you, Dr. Montgomery?
Monty Montgomery	Yes! (shouting for Stephano to hear) Uh, let me just unlock all these important security measures and I'll join you in the Reptile Room!
Monty imitates the sounds of the door's security features, gears turning, machinery whirring, etc. Stephano peeks around the corner for a moment, and Monty turns around but doesn't see him.
Monty Montgomery	Retinal scan one. (imitates electrical buzzing) Retinal scan two. (imitating beeping)]
Monty opens the door and steps through.
Monty Montgomery	(loudly) I am so sorry, Baudelaires, that you were frightened by that man who arrived earlier. Um, it makes sense that you were alarmed, being that he chased you up and down the stairs with a knife.
Monty winks.
Monty Montgomery	But there's nothing to fear. He is my new assistant, Stephano. I have seen his papers and everything is in order. So, you see, there's nothing to be worried about.
Violet Baudelaire	(stiffly) Oh, yes... I see now.
Monty gestures to speak louder.
Klaus Baudelaire	How silly we were to be afraid.
Monty Montgomery	Precisely, Baudelaires! Uh, Stephano has explained to me that he has a very strict fitness regimen, where he has to run up and down the stairs brandishing a knife at least three times a day. So, that makes perfect sense.
Monty makes a "crazy" gesture.
Violet Baudelaire	I might join him on that exercise regimen.
Monty Montgomery	(whispers) Very good, very good. (speaking loudly) So, now that that is cleared up, would you mind helping me bring things in from my truck?
Monty points and leads them outside.
EXT. MONTY MONTGOMERY'S HOUSE
Monty Montgomery	Now, I got all my shopping done and I even brought takeout for dinner. There should even be enough for Stephano. Now, we don't have much time before the movie, so help me take down this canoe.
Stephano peers out of an upstairs window as they remove the canoe and stand under it.
Monty Montgomery	(whispering) Here we go. I am so sorry, Baudelaires. I had no idea that our enemies would catch up to us so quickly. It's clear now that I can't turn my back for a second.
Violet Baudelaire	So you recognized him?
Monty Montgomery	Of course I recognized him. I'm not some half-witted banker or some member of a High Court, who's so starstruck that I can't see what's right in front of me. He can wear as many lab coats as he wants, and present me with as many ridiculous papers as he wants. He's no more a lab assistant than I'm a three-mouth Brazilian waxed turtle.
Klaus Baudelaire	So what are we gonna do? Call the authorities?
Monty Montgomery	What does H-A spell?
Sunny Baudelaire	Ha!
Monty Montgomery	You think when I was climbing Mount Felix searching for the goat-eating cobra, that I called the authorities? No. If we call the police or Mr. Poe or the official fire department, that so-called lab assistant will have us in his clutches before they can darken my doorstep. And we all know Stephano does not work alone.
They set down the canoe. Monty opens the back of the truck and hands them some things to bring inside.
Monty Montgomery	We must keep an eye on Stephano. He will join us for dinner and then we'll invite him to the movies tonight. A man that dastardly must be watched like a hawk.
Violet Baudelaire	That's all we're gonna do? Keep an eye on him?
Monty Montgomery	For now, Baudelaires, we'll be watchful and wary, which is a word that around here means "very careful."
Klaus Baudelaire	We know what wary means.
Monty Montgomery	Good. Because... we can't afford to turn our backs, not even for a second.
They pick up the canoe and begin carrying it.
Monty Montgomery	Besides-- (grunts)
A crashing sound as something falls on Monty's head.
Klaus Baudelaire	Dr. Montgomery.
Violet Baudelaire	Monty!
Monty grunts and moans on the ground as Stephano calls out of an open upstairs window.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	So sorry. I seem to have been very careless with the heavy glass reading lamp that was in my bedroom that fell out right when you were walking under it.
Stephano shrugs.
Monty Montgomery	Uh, yeah. Totally understandable. It... it happens all the time. [chuckles]
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Sorry about that.
Stephano closes the window.Monty stands up.
Monty Montgomery	(chuckling)) No harm done. (softly, to the children) I know the layout of that room as well as I know the bone structure of the osteoporosis lizard, and there is no way that that lamp was near that window.
Violet Baudelaire	Of course not. He wasn't being careless. He was being murderous.
Klaus Baudelaire	Dr. Montgomery, I really think we ought to contact the authorities.
Monty Montgomery	Trust me, Baudelaires... I may be a world-renowned herpetologist, but I also minored in criminology. I know what I'm doing.
They walk inside.
INT. THE REPTILE ROOM
The Baudelaires, Monty, and Stephano sit around a table with Chinese takeout in the Reptile Room.
Monty Montgomery	Now let's eat quickly, everyone. We don't want to be late for the movies.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	I don't think I'll be joining tonight. I thought I'd stay in and read up on poisonous venoms.
Sunny Baudelaire	Uh oh.
Monty Montgomery	Well, Stephano, you must join us. We have to celebrate your arrival.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	In all honesty, I prefer long-form television to the movies. It's so much more convenient to consume entertainment from the comfort of your own home.
Stephano looks directly at the camera and smiles slightly.
Monty Montgomery	Hmm. Well, I insist you come.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	I insist upon staying here.
Monty Montgomery	Well, I insisted first.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Well, I insisted... louder!
Monty Montgomery	Well... [chuckles] with all due respect, I feel a little uncomfortable leaving my reptiles alone with a relative stranger.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	(sighs) Fine. But I would like to make a brief phone call before we leave.
Monty Montgomery	Of course. The phone is in the parlor.
Monty gestures pointedly.
Violet Baudelaire	Could you please pass the potstickers?
Monty Montgomery	Yeah.
Monty reaches, but Stephano takes the bowl and stuffs all the potstickers in his mouth, one by one. He licks his fingers.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	(muffled) They're all gone.
Stephano passes the bowl to Violet. She takes it, disgusted.
Sunny Baudelaire	You disgust me.
Stephano leaves.
INT. MONTY MONTGOMERY'S HOUSE, PARLOR
Olaf is on the phone, exasperated.
Count Olaf	Yes, a movie theater. Where they show movies. Yes, of course it's more convenient to watch from the comfort of your own home, but I didn't ask for your opinion.
Olaf slams the phone down.
EXT. MONTY MONTGOMERY'S HOUSE, NIGHT
They all leave the house and walk to the car.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Shotgun.
Monty opens the passenger door.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Thank you.
Monty Montgomery	In you go, Klaus.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Hurry up. Ticktock. Don't want to miss the previews.
Monty hands Sunny to Klaus, and she vocalizes.
Monty Montgomery	There you go.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	And all of the excessive commercials.
Monty Montgomery	Yeah, and then just keep... Get in. All right.
Monty closes the door.
Violet Baudelaire	We don't know what you're up to, but we will find out.
Klaus Baudelaire	If anything happens to my sisters or me, you'll never get your hands on the Baudelaire fortune.
Olaf plays with his knife.
Count Olaf	If I wanted to harm you, orphan, your blood would be streaming out of this car like a waterfall. No, I am not going to harm a hair on any Baudelaire head. At least, not on purpose.
Olaf turns around.
Count Olaf	But accidents happen all the time, don't they?
Olaf puts away the knife as Monty gets in the car.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	[accented voice] And that is when I said to him, "The frog is the greatest reptile known to man."
Klaus Baudelaire	Frogs are amphibians.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	What?
Monty Montgomery	Stephano, where did you study herpetology?
Count Olaf (Stephano)	I don't know anything about mouth sores.
Stephano turns on the radio and upbeat music begins playing.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Oh! I love this song!
EXT. MURNAU CINEMA
They approach the cinema and get in line behind an elderly woman.
Sweet Old Lady	I just thought it might be nice to get out and see a movie. I need more exciting things in my life. And I think it's because my life is boring.
Ticket Seller	Yes. Uh, well, enjoy the show, ma'am. Dr. Montgomery!
Monty Montgomery	Hello, old chap! Two adults, three minors.
Ticket Seller	I'm giving you the Verified Film Discount.
Monty Montgomery	Ah, lovely.
INT. MURNAU CINEMA, CONCESSIONS STAND
Sweet Old Lady	I decided to treat myself to some popcorn because there is nothing exciting happening in my life at all.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Hey... (stuttering) Some popcorn actually sound delicious. I get popcorn for me, for all of us. My treat.
Monty Montgomery	Really?
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Yes, you go. Go take a seat.
Monty Montgomery	Come on, children.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Go, go. Go, go.
INT. MURNAU CINEMA, THEATER
Monty Montgomery	Seventh row, right of center, that is the best place.
Violet Baudelaire	That's what our mother always said.
Monty Montgomery	Who do you think taught it to me? You know, kids, I am so happy to be seeing a movie with you.
They sit.
Monty Montgomery	Your parents would be so very proud. I know they would.
Klaus Baudelaire	For seeing a movie?
Monty Montgomery	There's more to a movie than just a movie. Just like a book can contain crucial secrets about the world of snakes, or it can be used to prop open a refrigerator door when you're airing it out.
Sunny Baudelaire	Whuh?
Violet Baudelaire	What my sister means is, we're not sure we're really following you.
Monty Montgomery	Ah, there's so much to learn. Unfortunately, some of that learning is going to have to be delayed tonight, because of you-know-who.
Stephano enters, and begins checking each row.
Monty Montgomery	(whispering) Promise me this... If I leave during the showing, you will not act as if anything is amiss, but you'll keep your eyes on that fraud Stephano.
Sunny cries as Stephano finds them.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	I got the popcorn.
Monty Montgomery	Ah!
This one is for me, and this one is for the rest of you.
Olaf shuffles past holding a giant box of popcorn, and handing a tiny one to Klaus.
Monty Montgomery	Oh... Your generosity is noted, Stephano.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	My name is not, uh... Nothing but Stephano.
Sweet Old Lady	Shh.
Stephano sits.
Sunny coos as the lights dim. The curtains retract and the film begins with dramatic instrumental music.
Text: Vitiated Film Distribution Presents a Film by Gustav Sebald
Monty Montgomery	Ah, Gustav.
Monty pulls a Spyglass from his pocket and sees Klaus looking at him.
Monty Montgomery	(whispers) Not now.
Text: ZOMBIES IN THE SNOW
Text: Subtitles Provided by
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Subtitles? This movie is boring already.
Text: Jacqueline Scieszka [sic] Production Code 2264
Monty adjusts the rings of his Spyglass.
Gustav Sebald (Young Rölf)	Come, Gerta.
Gerta gasps
Monty Montgomery	Two.
Gustav Sebald (Young Rölf)	Today, we honor the founding...
Monty Montgomery	Six.
Gustav Sebald (Young Rölf)	...of our sleepy alpine village with the traditional building of a snowman
Monty Montgomery	Four.
Gustav Sebald (Young Rölf)	...in the village square.
Jacquelyn Scieszka (Gerta)	Traditions are important, Rolf.
Stephano catches a piece of popcorn in his mouth.
Klaus Baudelaire	If the movie's in English, why are there English subtitles?
Monty Montgomery	(whispering) All the best movies have subtitles.
Klaus Baudelaire	But that still doesn't explain--
Monty Montgomery and Sweet Old Lady	Shh.
Sweet Old Lady	I'm watching the movie!
Jacquelyn Scieszka (Gerta)	No! Where is your conscience?
Violet Baudelaire	Klaus, haven't we seen that actress before?
Klaus Baudelaire	I don't think we've seen anything like this before.
Town Father	Sing about it!
A VFD logo flashes in the corner of the screen. Monty hurriedly extends his Spyglass and directs it at the film.
Villagers and Town Fathers	(singing) They'll eat your feet They'll munch on your head You're a tasty treat For the walking dead
Through the spyglass, the subtitles are filtered to reveal "hello monty". He writes it on his ticket as Stephano looks on.
Gustav Sebald (Young Rölf)	The sturdy oak barrier! They've broken through it! Gerta... don't let them take the children!
The Spyglass filters the subtitles to read "danGer - take the children!" Monty looks concerned and writes this down.
Gerta gets on a fake horse, and Rolf slaps it as it is dragged across the set with a neigh.
Klaus and Violet exchange a dubious look.
Gustav Sebald (Young Rölf)	Onward. To the safe house.
Monty surreptitiously puts the Spyglass back up.
Gustav Sebald (Young Rölf)	Don't shed tears, sweet Gerta. I promise this isn't goodbye.
Jacquelyn Scieszka (Gerta)	No one's preparing to die, Rolf. Put on this warm scarf...
Gerta ties a thin bandana around his neck.
The captions are filtered to "on the ss prospero to"
Stephano sneezes violently, causing his popcorn to spill.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Oh, I need to get more popcorn.
Jacquelyn Scieszka (Gerta)	And your poor mother's tutu.
Stephano crosses in front of Monty, blocking his view through the Spyglass.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Should I go this way?
Monty Montgomery	No, no, no. No, just go that way.
Sweet Old Lady	You're blocking the screen!
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Is it better to go this way?
Stephano continues moving back and forth to prevent Monty from reading the coded subtitles.
Sweet Old Lady	Sit down!
Monty Montgomery	No. Go that way.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	I can go this way.
Sweet Old Lady	You're blocking the screen!
Count Olaf (Stephano)	I'm all right-- I'll go here.
Monty Montgomery	Go that way.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	That way? Aye, no.
Monty Montgomery	Yes.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	I feel like your elbow tell me and your hand, your finger--
Monty Montgomery	That way.
Sweet Old Lady	You're blocking the screen!
The subtitle disappears from the screen and Stephano finally makes it past Monty.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	I'm sorry.
Sweet Old Lady	I can't see!
Count Olaf (Stephano)	I hope you didn't miss anything.
Stephano leaves.
Jacquelyn Scieszka (Gerta)	(O.S.) You'll always be in my heart... and in this snow bank.
INT. MURNEAU CINEMA, CONCESSIONS STAND
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Per favore.
Two attendants turn around to reveal they are the White-Faced Women.
White-Faced Woman #1	Butter?
White-Faced Woman #2	Salt?
Olaf removes Stephano's glasses and leans in conspiratorially.
Count Olaf	(normal voice) I'd thank you...
White-Faced Women	Ooh.
Count Olaf	...for coming on such short notice, but I'm not in the habit of coddling my henchpeople. Due to one overprotective herpetologist's hysteria over the safety of his appalling collection of creatures, Operation Capture Monty has been relocated from Monty's home to this godforsaken nickelodeon. And just in time. I think you-know-who is trying to send a you-know-what.
The women stare at him blankly.
Count Olaf	Hello? Am I...
Olaf waves his hand in front of their faces.
Count Olaf	(sighs) A message. They're trying to send a... Oh, forget it. Operation Capture Monty is a go. Is there anything else I should know?
Olaf puts the glasses back on.
White-Faced Woman #1	You look handsome in that beard.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Hmm. I already knew that.
He takes the popcorn and leaves.
INT. MURNAU CINEMA, THEATER
A zombie's arm bursts from a snowbank, startling Klaus and making him spill popcorn.
Zombie	(O.S.) I am zombie.
Olaf returns to his seat with a minimum of fuss as Rölf and Gerta begin to sing.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	What did I miss? Oh, boy, they're still singing.
Monty Montgomery	I am going to need to excuse myself.
Sweet Old Lady	Shh.
Monty Montgomery	Nature calls. Stephano, would you be so kind as to keep an eye on the children?
Monty leaves. A moment later, Stephano stands up and follows him.
Klaus Baudelaire	Wait, Dr. Montgomery said to keep an eye on us.
Violet Baudelaire	We're too young to be left in a theater alone.
Sweet Old Lady	Down in front.
Stephano crosses back to his seat and sits back down.
Sweet Old Lady	Get out of the way!
INT. MURNEAU CINEMA, CONCESSIONS STAND
Monty walks briskly through the room towards the projection room. The White-Faced Women watch. After he exits, they follow him.
White-Faced Woman #2	Pictures today. So violent.
White-Faced Woman #1	Mmm-hmm. Mother always said we'd catch a man at the movies.
White-Faced Woman #2	Uh-huh.
They grab the curtains by the door leading to the projection room and pull them down.
INT. MURNEAU CINEMA, PROJECTION ROOM
Jacquelyn Scieszka (Gerta)	Surely nothing can spoil this happy and festive occasion.
Monty peers through the projection window with his Spyglass while the Ticket Seller quickly manipulates some film at a table.
Town Father	There are hundreds of zombies coming down from those snow banks!
The picture flickers and cuts to an earlier scene.
Villagers and Town Fathers	(singing) They'll munch on your head
Sweet Old Lady	What? What's going on?
Jacquelyn Scieszka (Gerta)	(screams)
Stephano turns around to look at the projection window and frowns.
Jacquelyn Scieszka (Gerta)	And your poor mother's tutu.
Gerta ties the bandana around Rölf's neck again. This time Monty's vision is unobscured, revealing "peru"
Sweet Old Lady	We've already seen this part!
Monty finishes writing on his ticket. The full message reads: HELLO MONTY. DANGER! TAKE THE CHILDREN ON THE SS PROSPERO TO PERU
Jacquelyn Scieszka (Gerta)	(O.S.) And in this snow bank... Well, that is where I shall bury you. This would be much easier with a shovel. How can we overcome our differences...
The Ticket Seller comes over to Monty.
Monty Montgomery	Quick splicing, old friend.
The two of them leave the projection booth quickly.
INT. MURNAU CINEMA, THEATER
Monty and Ticket Seller stand at the back of the theater, whispering.
Monty Montgomery	Things must be worse than we thought. I need four tickets on the SS Prospero to Peru.
Ticket Seller	Meet me at the ticket booth. I sell all kinds of tickets.
Ticket Seller leaves, followed by Monty.
INT./EXT. MURNAU THEATER, TICKET BOOTH
A first-class ticket aboard the SS Prospero for four passengers to Peru prints.
Monty Montgomery	Well, wish me luck, old friend.
Ticket Seller	Good luck, Dr. Montgomery.
They exit the booth.
INT. MURNEAU CINEMA, CONCESSIONS STAND
The White-Faced Women make their way past the concessions, holding out the curtains they grabbed.
White-Faced Woman #2	And a one and a two
White-Faced Women	and a chicka-booma-chick.
INT. MURNAU CINEMA, THEATER
The White-Faced Women lift the curtains over Monty's head and capture him. Monty grunts and struggles to escape.
[Monty grunting]
Lemony Snicket	(O.S.) The Baudelaires did not wanna turn their backs on Count Olaf, so they did not see what happened in the back of that dark theater.
The Baudelaires continue watching the movie as Monty is kidnapped behind them.
EXT. MURNAU CINEMA, BACK
A tied-up figure, presumably Monty, is dragged across the ground to a waiting white van.
Lemony Snicket	But, of course, there was much more going on that the Baudelaire orphans were not aware of.
INT. A TUNNEL
"Mother" drops from above to join "Father".
"Mother"	[sighs] Ah, well, that was a narrow escape full of incredible twists and astonishing acrobatics. Can you walk?
"Father"	Better than I can waltz.
They walk down the tunnel, "Father" with a cane.
"Mother"	If we're lucky, we'll be with the children by bedtime. Any idea where this tunnel lets out?
"Father"	I'd say judging by the barometric pressure and watery winds, somewhere south of Winnipeg.
They reach a large, round, metal door and open it, stepping outside.
"Mother"	Peru.
"Father"	Like I said. South of Winnipeg.
Camera zooms out to reveal them standing in the wall of a giant chasm, beside a waterfall.
INT. MURNAU CINEMA, THEATER
The film concludes with snow being blown off an engraved "FIN" with a handprint dragged across it. The lights come up.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Terrible ending. The villagers should have been eaten, like in Citizen Kane.
Stephano dumps out his half-full box of popcorn on the ground.
Violet Baudelaire	Monty never came back.
INT. MURNEAU CINEMA, CONCESSIONS STAND
Klaus Baudelaire	Monty!
Violet Baudelaire	Monty?
Count Olaf (Stephano)	What's this? Your guardian has disappeared? Dear me, dear me.
EXT. MURNEAU CINEMA, BACK
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Ah, this is just terrible. Three helpless children all alone in the world. Whatever shall we do next?
Monty Montgomery	Drive home, of course.
Klaus Baudelaire	Monty!
Violet Baudelaire	You're here.
Monty Montgomery	Hello, children. It's been a long night and we have a very busy day tomorrow. Did you enjoy the movie?
Klaus Baudelaire	It was unusual.
Monty Montgomery	Uh, it will require some further explanation. Wait in the car, Baudelaires. I have some unfinished business with Stephano.
Violet Baudelaire	Will you be okay?
Monty Montgomery	Of course. I am your guardian. It is my job... and my delight, might I add, to keep you safe. Run along.
They leave. Stephano waves.
Count Olaf (Stephano)	Arrive... chechem.
Monty and Stephano begin circling.
Monty Montgomery	Do you think you can just waltz into my life, and the life of my children, and perpetuate this treachery? You're a wretched person and a bad actor, Stephano, or whatever your real name is.
Count Olaf	(normal voice) You don't know my real name?
Monty Montgomery	I don't need to know your real name. Because you... are a spy from the Herpetological Society.
Count Olaf	What?
Violet Baudelaire	Can you hear what they're saying?
Klaus Baudelaire	I hope he's telling Count Olaf that his plot is foiled and he's done for.
Monty Montgomery	You're done for, Stephano.
Count Olaf	Well, what can I say, Montgomery Montgomery? You have found out my secret identity. There's no doubt about it. I've been outsmarted.
Monty Montgomery	Yes. You have. Now be gone. You and your... pale-face twins. I said be gone!
Olaf bows his head and walks meekly away.
Monty Montgomery	Hang your head in shame, herpeta-loser.
Olaf continues walking. When Monty can't see his face, he chuckles.
Olaf opens the doors to the white van to reveal the curtains from before, covering the White-Faced Women. He removes the curtains to find them bound. He looks at them, disappointed, and sighs.
White-Faced Woman #1	He's tougher than he looks.
White-Faced Woman #2	Even tougher than two old ladies.
Count Olaf	Really(?)
INT. MONTY'S CAR, LOUSY LANE
Monty Montgomery	Well, Baudelaires, that terrible man will never bother us again.
Klaus Baudelaire	You mean...
Monty Montgomery	That's right. I confronted him and threw him out of our lives forever. (chuckles) The authorities are on their way.
Klaus Baudelaire	And we're just leaving him there? In the parking lot?
Monty Montgomery	Under the watchful eye of a very capable ticket seller. Besides, if he does slip away...
Violet Baudelaire	Again.
Monty Montgomery	Well, it's none of our concern. We will be far, far away from here. Baudelaires, we are not going to spend the season in a research laboratory. We are off to Peru.
Violet Baudelaire and Klaus Baudelaire	Peru?
Monty Montgomery	It's a wonderful country, full of natural and slithering beauty. And what's more important, answers. You must have oodles of questions after that movie. If my parents hadn't taught me about this when I was your age, my head would be dizzy with confusion. Well, once we disembark in Chimbote, you will have all the answers you need. What do you say, Baudelaires? Are you in?
Klaus Baudelaire	We're in, Monty.
Monty Montgomery	Well, it's a good thing I stocked up on peaches and canoes, because you never know when you might need to leave the country in a moment's notice.
Klaus Baudelaire	Life is a conundrum of esoterica.
Monty Montgomery	Well said, Klaus Baudelaire. Well said.
INT. THE REPTILE ROOM
Monty and the Baudelaire children sit with mugs of hot chocolate around a map.
Monty Montgomery	Then we travel inward to Ollantaytambo in search of some geckos who have an extra leg. First one to find one gets to name it.
Violet Baudelaire	Sounds wonderful.
Monty Montgomery	Doesn't it? Listen, children. I know that the loss of your parents was a great tragedy. But you can still have the life they wanted for you. But now, it is time for bed. Yes.
Monty takes Sunny from Klaus and stands up.
Monty Montgomery	We have a skidillion things to do tomorrow and a boat to catch. Oh, Sunny, it seems that you finished all of your marshmallows.
Sunny Baudelaire	They were delicious.
Violet Baudelaire	What my sister means--
Monty Montgomery	I know what your sister means, Violet. It seems we finally found a soft food that you like after all.
They all laugh.
INT. MONTY MONTGOMERY'S HOUSE, THEIR BEDROOM
Monty Montgomery	More on that tomorrow. Good night, bambini.
Violet Baudelaire	Good night.
Sunny Baudelaire	Buonanotte.
Klaus Baudelaire	Good night, Uncle Monty.
Monty Montgomery	Sweet dreams. And tomorrow... Peru.
Monty smiles and turns off the lamp by the door.
Sunny coos and claps.
INT. MONTY MONTGOMERY'S HOUSE, HALL
Monty looks at the piano picture and smiles. The iguana clock chimes and screeches midnight.
Lemony Snicket	I'm sorry to say this was the last time the screeching iguana clock would strike before the arrival of dramatic irony. As Dr. Montgomery had promised, no harm would come to the Baudelaire orphans in the Reptile Room.
Monty heads downstairs and notices the door to the Reptile Room ajar.
Lemony Snicket	But I regret to say that great harm would come to Uncle Monty.
Monty enters the Reptile Room. He turns to the right and gasps, holding up his arm to protect himself.