The Slippery Slope: Part One/Transcript

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Speaker	Dialogue
INT. TUNNELS
Match lit.
Lemony Snicket	Like handshakes, house pets, and raw carrots, many things are preferable when not slippery, and the least preferable slippery thing is a slope, which is why I implore you to look away. "It's a slippery slope" is an expression which refers to the way even small, seemingly harmless actions can set you down a path to something horribly wrong. My name is Lemony Snicket, and I am sorry to say that in the lives of the Baudelaire orphans, every path led to something horribly wrong. The Baudelaires chose to make new friends at school, which led to unhinged villainy, unnecessary physical fitness, a kidnapping. Their attempt to rescue their friends led to more villainy, a long fall in the dark, and something fishy, which, when investigated, led to the death of a noble sibling, false charges of murder, and a life on the lam, which led to more thing, too horrible to mention, such as underage driving, hot air balloon mishaps, medically suspect surgery, a career in the circus, astonishing revelations about a secret organization and a possible survivor of the fire that destroyed their home, lions, and finally, a runaway caravan plummeting down a mountain, for, as Klaus and Violet Baudelaire had discovered, a slippery slope can also be literal.
A CLIFF ON THE MORTMAIN MOUNTAINS
The caravan rolls down the mountain.
Klaus Baudelaire	What just happened?
Violet Baudelaire	We didn't die!
Klaus Baudelaire	Not yet!
The caravan hits a rock, which makes the caravan swerve and continue to roll down the mountain.
Klaus Baudelaire	How do we stop this caravan?
Violet Baudelaire	We have to invent some sort of a braking system!
The Baudelaires take off their disguises.
Klaus Baudelaire	Violet, now would be a great time for an idea. Violet, hurry! We're running out of road!
Violet Baudelaire	Search the caravan for anything long enough to reach the wheel.
Klaus Baudelaire	How's this?
Violet Baudelaire	Perfect. Now use it to jam the wheel. I'm gonna tie these together and create a drag chute.
Klaus Baudelaire	Make it fast! This road won't stay straight forever.
Klaus jams the wheel.
Klaus Baudelaire	I think I've got it. I just need to apply more friction.
Violet Baudelaire	How's it going?
Klaus Baudelaire	Not great.
Violet Baudelaire	That's okay. You bought me time to make this.
The drag chute holds back the caravan, which holds the caravan on to a dead tree near a cliff. The Baudelaires get out of the caravan just in time before it falls to the bottom.
Violet Baudelaire	Try not to think about falling.
Klaus Baudelaire	But it's impossible to think about anything else.
The caravan falls to the bottom.
Klaus Baudelaire	We're alive.
Violet Baudelaire	We're alive, but we're not okay. Count Olaf still has Sunny, and we have to get her back.
Klaus Baudelaire	She must be so scared.
Violet Baudelaire	Sunny's tough. She might look like a helpless toddler, but she's a fighter.
Klaus Baudelaire	And a biter.
The Baudelaires walk along the mountain.
Violet Baudelaire	Can you remember anything from the map?
Klaus Baudelaire	I didn't look at it for very long, but this is the only road through the mountains. If we follow it, it should lead us to Count Olaf.
Violet Baudelaire	And Sunny.
Klaus Baudelaire	And Sunny. It's our fault she's gone.
Violet Baudelaire	Count Olaf needs one of us alive to get our fortune, remember? As long as he thinks we're dead, Sunny is safe.
Klaus Baudelaire	She won't be safe until we're together again.
Violet Baudelaire	Then we'd better keep walking.
In Count Olaf's car, Sunny keeps biting Esmé Squalor.
Esmé Squalor	Ow! Oh, this baby keeps biting me!
Count Olaf	Put her in the glove compartment.
The Hook-Handed Man makes a face when Esmé puts Sunny in the glove department.
Count Olaf	Do you smell that, Esmé?
Esmé tries to smell something.
Count Olaf	That's the fresh mountain scent of T-R-Y-M-F!
Esmé Squalor	What, darling?
Count Olaf	Triumph!
Hook-Handed Man	I'm not sure that's the way you spell—
Count Olaf	For years, or at least what seemed like years, I have pursued the Baudelaire fortune via a wide variety of brilliant, only partially successful schemes. But now, finally, I'm on the right path!
Esmé Squalor	That way.
Count Olaf goes to the left turn on the fork.
Count Olaf	Aargh! Now I'm finally on the right path. Two out of three Baudelaire orphans have tumbled off a cliff and been smashed flat.
Count Olaf drinks a sarsaparilla bottle.
Count Olaf
Count Olaf throws out the sarsaparilla bottle.
Count Olaf	We are en roo-tay to the secret V.F.D. headquarters to destroy our enemies once and for all, including whichever Baudelaire parent survived the fire.
First White-Faced Woman	Probably the mom.
Second White-Faced Woman	Women are more resilient.
Count Olaf	And best of all, the Baudelaire fortune is in my hands, or at least this infant is.
Sunny growls at Count Olaf, and Count Olaf imitates Sunny's growl.
Count Olaf	I haven't felt this sharp and focused since I first smelled kerosene. My only regret is that I wasn't able to hear the splat, or whatever sound a caravan makes when it falls off a cliff and squashes rich kids.
Esmé Squalor	That's your only regret?
Hook-Handed Man	What about your tattoos? Everyone regrets their tattoos.
White-Faced Women	We regret ours.
Bald Man	Not me.
The Bald Man shows his hand tattooed with the letters E-S-M-É.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	I don't think we can be sure that Violet and Klaus are dead. They've gotten themselves out of a number of dangerous situations. In a way, one can't help but admire them.
Count Olaf	One can too help but admire them, and I am sure they're dead! They fell off a cliff. Please! This isn't some overexaggerated melodrama.
Lemony Snicket	Allow me to offer a word of caution: if you happen to find yourself on a slippery slope, watch your step. When you're on top of something, such as a moral threshold or a mountain...
Count Olaf	I'm on top of the mountain!
Lemony Snicket	...there's nowhere to go but down.
In the Valley of Four Drafts, Kit Snicket is running toward the edge of a cliff, holding the Sugar Bowl.
Lemony Snicket	This advice was given to me by one of the bravest women I've ever known, a woman who, at that very moment, was running for her life toward the edge of a cliff. Fortunately, like all women, my sister was an expert at doing the impossible.
The Sinister Duo comes in front of her.
Man with a Beard but No Hair	Come now, there's nowhere to run.
Woman with Hair but No Beard	Except off a cliff.
Man with a Beard but No Hair	Which we plan to throw you off anyway.
Woman with Hair but No Beard	But perhaps this doesn't have to end in violence.
Man with a Beard but No Hair	Give us the Sugar Bowl and you can go.
Woman with Hair but No Beard	Cross our hearts.
Man with a Beard but No Hair	And hope to die. What do you say, Snicket?
Kit Snicket	I'd rather jump off a cliff.
Kit falls down and uses Beatrice's dragonfly wings and glides off the cliffs near Stricken Stream.
Man with a Beard but No Hair	Should we follow her?
Woman with Hair but No Beard	We'll send the eagles. They're probably starving.
The Man with a Beard but No Hair blows the whistle, and the eagles fly near Kit. Kit finds a hole in Stricken Streams and dives down it. The eagles fly back up. Kit breaks part of the stream and gets out of it.
Kit Snicket	Oh, you're a trooper, kiddo. I didn't have my first hang gliding lesson till I was seven. But we're not out of the woods yet.
THE TOP OF MOUNT FRAUGHT
Count Olaf	I'm on top of the world, Esmé. Literally and figuratively at my peak.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	Technically, it's more of a plateau.
Hook-Handed Man	This doesn't look like V.F.D. Headquarters.
Count Olaf	We must've made a wrong turn at that fork. Somebody read the map wrong.
Esmé Squalor	It's not my fault, darling, you know I hate to read. And besides, you said you'd been there before.
Count Olaf	I was blindfolded. Stupid secret organizations and their stupid secrecy.
Sunny Baudelaire	You're stupid.
Esmé Squalor	Uh, this baby doesn't stop complaining, no matter how many times I pinch her.
Esmé pinches Sunny.
Sunny Baudelaire	Ouch.
Esmé Squalor	Do you see?
Count Olaf	If the surviving parent is hiding in V.F.D. headquarters, then burning it down will solve all of our problems.
Sunny Baudelaire	We will stop you.
Count Olaf	HA, HA, HA!! You'll never stop us, if that's what you mean.
Hook-Handed Man	That is what she means.
Count Olaf	We'll camp here for the night and burn it down in the morning. It's important to be well-rested before committing arson. We will surprise those volunteers in the middle of coffee, or tea, or whatever it is pretentious people drink. Pitch the tents! Oh, and you should probably get those freaks out of the trunk.
The Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender goes to the bathroom but finds that there is nothing in there. One of the White-Faced Women goes into the bathroom.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	There's no paper.
The Hook-Handed Man opens the trunk.
Hook-Handed Man	Get out, freaks!
Hugo	It's about time! We could barely breathe in there.
White-Faced Women	Aw, precious snowflake wants to breathe.
Colette	These icy winds are making my hopelessly contorted body shiver.
Kevin	Oh, my equally strong hands are equally in need of some mittens.
Hook-Handed Man	Yeah, well, your equally strong hands can go and chop us some wood.
Colette	At least we'll have a nice, warm fire.
First White-Faced Woman	Oh, no, you won't.
Second White-Faced Woman	You freaks can't stay in our campsite.
Hook-Handed Man	Yeah, you think I had a nice warm tent my first night in Count Olaf's troupe? I had to sleep in the trunk.
Kevin	We did sleep in the trunk.
Bald Man	Go chop wood, freak.
Hugo sends the freaks ahead of him, but Hugo stays behind.
Hugo	I thought working for Count Olaf would be glamorous and fun, but in my short time in his employ, I have aided in kidnapping and murder, I have spent a bumpy ride in the trunk of a car, and I have had my self-worth degraded, undoing years of therapy. I'm beginning to question my life choices. And frankly, so should you!
White-Faced Women	Aw, precious snowflake wants to question his life choices.
Troupe	Not like us! Not like us! Not like us! Not like us!
Count Olaf	Stop standing around. Freaks.
The troupe puts their head down.
FORK IN THE MORTMAIN MOUNTAINS
Klaus Baudelaire	It's a crossroads.
Violet Baudelaire	Technically, it's more of a fork.
Klaus Baudelaire	I meant it figuratively. We have to decide which direction to go.
Klaus wipes off the snow on the sign.
Klaus Baudelaire	This road leads to the Valley of Four Drafts. That's where the map said the headquarters were hidden. That means V.F.D. is that way.
Violet finds a sarsaparilla bottle.
Violet Baudelaire	Look at this sarsaparilla bottle. There's some liquid in it that isn't frozen, which means it was recently thrown by a person who doesn't care about littering. Count Olaf went this way.
Klaus Baudelaire	If we go to the headquarters, we can find V.F.D. They can help save Sunny.
Violet Baudelaire	We can't wait that long. Sunny's in danger right now!
Klaus Baudelaire	If one of our parents is alive up there, they can fix this.
Violet Baudelaire	If one of our parents is alive, do you want to face them without Sunny?
Klaus Baudelaire	No.
Violet Baudelaire	I think we should go this way.
Klaus Baudelaire	I think we should go this way.
The Baudelaires hears the buzzing of snow gnats.
Violet Baudelaire	Do you hear something?
Klaus Baudelaire	Oh, no.
Violet Baudelaire	What are those?
Klaus Baudelaire	Snow gnats. I read about them in an obscure book.
Violet Baudelaire	What did you read about them?
Klaus Baudelaire	Well, they're ill-tempered and well organized.
Violet Baudelaire	Anything else?
Klaus Baudelaire	Yeah, they sting.
Violet Baudelaire	I think we should go that way.
Klaus Baudelaire	I agree.
The Baudelaires run from the snow gnats.
Violet Baudelaire	What stops them?
Klaus Baudelaire	Smoke.
Violet Baudelaire	Smoke? How are we supposed to get smoke out here?
Klaus Baudelaire	I don't know!
Violet Baudelaire	Look over there!
CAVE IN THE MORTMAIN MOUNTAINS
The Baudelaires run to a cave. The snow gnats stop attacking them.
Violet Baudelaire	The snow gnats stopped.
Klaus Baudelaire	There must be something inside that scares them.
Violet Baudelaire	Let's hope it's not a hibernating animal.
Klaus Baudelaire	Oh, no.
The Baudelaires find out it's a cave of Snow Scouts. Carmelita Spats comes to the Baudelaires.
Carmelita Spats	Hello, cakesniffers.
THE TOP OF MOUNT FRAUGHT
Count Olaf	It's called a catchphrase, a word which here means "a catchy phrase," and it is one of the most important tools in any pre-former's repertoire.
Hook-Handed Man	Wow, it's really nice that you're taking time out of your busy schedule of plotting arson to give us an acting lesson, boss.
Count Olaf	I'm not just your boss. Please, I want you to think of me as your mentor. Besides, I'm about to get everything I've ever wanted in life, so I'm feeling generous. A catchphrase should be cool and snappy, and you should be able to use it in any situation at all, like, um.. "It's my way or the freeway." Or, "Give me those earrings, Rachel." And... it should be rooted... in the truth, which is why, when I perform, I ignore the script and say whatever comes into my mind. Pajama bottoms. Absinthe. Nickelback. Let's try this right now. When I point at you, say the first thing that pops into your head.
First White-Faced Woman	I'm in love with you.
Count Olaf	Not bad.
Second White-Faced Woman	I'm in love with you more.
Count Olaf	Now, that's catchy.
Bald Man	I'm in love with your girlfriend.
Count Olaf	Ew.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	Is a personal philosophy of moral relativism the only way to survive in an ethically complex world, or is it an excuse we use to justify doing bad things?
Sunny breaks a piece of ice from the baby jail.
Count Olaf	Could use a polish.
Hook-Handed Man	I'm in love with—
Esmé Squalor	Look what I found, darling A pack of strange, green cigarettes just lying in the snow, as if someone dropped them whilst running for their life.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	Smoking is very, very bad for you.
Sunny escapes from the baby jail.
Count Olaf	I was mentoring the henchpeople, pet.
Esmé Squalor	Oh.
Count Olaf	Hooky was about to tell me his catchphrase.
Hook-Handed Man	Hey, the baby's gone.
Count Olaf	That's a terrible catchphrase.
Esmé Squalor	Hey, the baby's gone.
Count Olaf	What?
Count Olaf finds Sunny net to Count Olaf's car. He and Esmé surrounds her.
Count Olaf	Thought you could get away, did you? Well, you should know by now, it's my way or the freeway.
Esmé Squalor	Roadway.
Sunny Baudelaire	Highway.
Count Olaf	Look around, you saber-toothed papoose. There's nowhere to run. You would never survive in the mountains by yourself. You've always had your irritating siblings to look after you. Well, not anymore. So if you want to survive, I'd be a little less irritating. Like that girl from Prufrock Prep.
Esmé Squalor	What girl?
Count Olaf	Oh, it was before your time, dearest.
Esmé Squalor	I don't care. I'll scratch her eyes out.
Count Olaf	What? It was a little girl. Short, adorable, with the pretty brooch and the brass knuckles. What was her name again?
SNOW SCOUTS' CAVE
Violet Baudelaire	Carmelita Spats.
Carmelita Spats	Go away, cakesniffers! This is a private cave!
Brucie	Carmelita, who are you talking to?
Carmelita Spats	They're in our cave, so obviously they're cakesniffers. Wait You're those orphans from Prufrock Prep who lost your home in a fire and then Vice Princie expelled you.
Violet Baudelaire	No, we've never been to Prufrock Prep.
Klaus Baudelaire	He did not expel us.
Carmelita Spats	I knew it. You're the Baudelaires!
Brucie	I hope not! I read about those terrible children in The Daily Punctilio. It said they are murderers and arsonists They started that enormous fire that's still raging across the Hinterlands.
Klaus Baudelaire	Well, we're... we're not them. We're, uh...
Violet Baudelaire	Mountain climbers.
Klaus Baudelaire	...mountain climbers. We're looking for our sister.
Violet Baudelaire	She's about this tall, she has a good set of teeth, and she's traveling with a bunch of dangerous-looking people. Have you seen her?
Brucie	We haven't seen anyone. We've been in this cave hiding from gnats, but we have a map of the mountains you can consult.
Carmelita Spats	No! No! Scoutmaster Brucie, this cave is for Snow Scouts only, and they're obviously the Baudelaires! Look at their little orphan faces!
Brucie	Now, Carmelita. Snow Scouts should be accommodating It's the first word of our pledge.
Violet Baudelaire	You're Snow Scouts?
Carmelita Spats	Troupe 113 is the most exclusive Snow Scout troupe in the city. Only non-cakesniffers with rich, living parents are allowed to join. Isn't that right, Brucie?
Brucie	I have to carry their luggage.
Carmelita Spats	It's designer.
Snow Scout	You should carry your own luggage, Carmelita, and you should join us by the fire. We have extra parkas and snow suits if you're cold. And extra masks.
Violet Baudelaire	Why would we want masks?
Brucie	If you're outside, they keep the snow gnats away.
Snow Scout	And when you're inside, they make a Very Furtive Disguise.
THE TOP OF MOUNT FRAUGHT
Lemony Snicket	It has been difficult for me to investigate Sunny Baudelaire's time as Count Olaf's prisoner. A few witnesses have died, disappeared, or been carried off by eagles.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oopsie!
Lemony Snicket	There is a story that describes more or less the same situation, and that is the story of Cinderella.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender	Maybe she can give us some tips.
Lemony Snicket	Cinderella was a young person who was placed in the care of various wicked people who teased her and made her do all of their chores.
Esmé Squalor	Look at that useless baby. It doesn't even know how to get water from a frozen pond.
Count Olaf	Look at her try to carry a pail. HA HA HA!
Lemony Snicket	She was rescued by a fairy godmother who magically created a special outfit so Cinderella could go to a ball and marry a prince. If you would like the story of Sunny Baudelaire, simply take the story of Cinderella and eliminate the fairy godmother, the special outfit, the ball, the prince, the marriage, the seasonal gourd that becomes a carriage, and the ending where they live happily ever after.
Hook-Handed Man	There you are, baby. I, uh... I made you this outfit. I know it's nothing special, but... it's warmer than those rags. Count Olaf would be furious if you froze to death before he could get your fortune, so...What are you doing?
The Hook-Handed Man smashes the ice with one of his hooks.
Hook-Handed Man	You've got, uh... You've got cinders on your face. Chabo.
The Hook-Handed Man hands Sunny a rag and she wipes off the cinders on her face.
Sunny Baudelaire	Yay.
Hook-Handed Man	Don't give me that look.
Sunny Baudelaire	I was talking to you!
SNOW SCOUTS' CAVE
Carmelita Spats	And then Cinderella told Prince Charmin that she's got an even more beautiful sister whose name is Carmelita, so he married her instead. And then she divorced him and took all of his money. The end! Now, this is the story of Sleeping Beauty's even more adorable younger sister—
Brucie	Carmelita, you've told nine stories already. Maybe somebody else would like a turn. I bet mountain climbers have interesting stories.
Carmelita Spats	Yeah. Has anything really terrible happened to you?
Violet Baudelaire	We'd rather not share.
Brucie	You should be more accommodating. After all...
Snow Scouts	Snows Scouts are accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young, and zippered–every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long!
Violet Baudelaire	That... That can't honestly be your pledge.
Klaus Baudelaire	How can anyone be "xylophone"? It's not an adjective.
Carmelita Spats	You can't change the words of the Snow Scout Alphabet Pledge. The whole point of the Snow Scouts is that we do the same thing over and over! We wear the same parkas, we recite the same pledge, and every year, we celebrate False Spring at the top of Mount Fraught. And we always make Brucie carry our luggage.
Klaus Baudelaire	What's False Spring?
Carmelita Spats	Anybody who's not a cakesniffer knows that False Spring is when the weather gets unusually warm before it gets cold again. We celebrate with a dance around a special pole, and then I get chosen False Spring Queen!
Brucie	It doesn't have to be you.
Carmelita Spats	Yes, it does! Because I'm the most accommodating, basic, calm—
Snow Scout	Are you sure you two don't have a story? I'd love to hear a Very Fascinating Drama.
Violet Baudelaire	We know all sorts of stories.
Klaus Baudelaire	Stories about Vastly Frightening Danger.
Violet Baudelaire	And Vain Fashionable Divas.
Snow Scout	Have you read the story of Anna Karenina?
Violet Baudelaire	Our mother read it to us.
Klaus Baudelaire	We were very young, so she'd stop to explain all the words and themes.
Carmelita Spats	Boring!
Klaus Baudelaire	Anna Karenina is a classic of Russian literature!
Carmelita Spats	That's another word for boring, and so are stories about dead parents.
Brucie	Carmelita has a point. Anyhow, it's late, and I feel sick from eating so many marshmallows. So, everyone, get in your sleeping bags. You should stay the night here, travelers. We have some extra horse blankets you can sleep on.
Carmelita Spats	You cakesniffers should sleep far away from us. Those blankets smell like nail polish.
Snow Scout	That's because you spilled nail polish all over them.
The Snow Scouts get in their sleeping bags.
Snow Scout	Good night, travelers. The fire should die out in a few hours. Some things are easier to find in the dark.
Klaus Baudelaire	Such as?
Snow Scout	Missing persons.
Violet Baudelaire	Who are you?
Carmelita Spats	Cakesniffers whispering in a cave. Is there anything less adorable? Come on. We don't socialize with orphans.
Violet Baudelaire	Do you think we can trust him?
Klaus Baudelaire	He must be with V.F.D., but why is he disguised as a Snow Scout? And why did he bring up Anna Karenina? And why is he the only one wearing a mask?
Violet Baudelaire	We'll find out when the fire dies. He was right about one thing. It'll be easier to find Sunny when it's dark and when Count Olaf is asleep.
Klaus Baudelaire	Violet...
Violet Baudelaire	Yeah?
Klaus Baudelaire	If one of our parents is alive, which one do you think it is?
Violet Baudelaire	There's no way to know.
Klaus Baudelaire	I keep wondering anyway.
Violet Baudelaire	Me, too.
MOUNT FRAUGHT
Kevin	This is probably a test. If we prove to Count Olaf we can survive a night in this dark, freezing, probably haunted wood, when we go back in the morning, he'll be so impressed, he'll welcome us with open arms and say all the nice things my dad never did.
Hugo	We don't have to go back at all. I've got some money saved up from the carnival. We could buy a patch of farm and live off the land.
Kevin	What kind of crops would we grow?
Hugo	We could grow anything, Kevin.
Kevin	It would be helpful to visualize something specific.
Colette	Could we grow rutabagas?
Hugo	We could grow literally anything! So sure, rutabagas.
Kevin	I don't like rutabagas.
Hugo	Forget about the rutabagas! The point is, we still have time to turn our lives around. And if we're on our own, there won't be anyone to call us freaks. Not Count Olaf, not his troupe, not even your dad. Madame Lulu always said, "You deserve better."
Kevin	The Madame Lulu who got eaten by lions, or the one who drove off in a taxi?
Colette	I wonder whatever happened to her.
Kit runs into the carnival freaks.
Hugo	Howdy, stranger.
Kit Snicket	Hugo? Colette? Kevin?
Kevin	How does a stranger know our names?
Kit Snicket	Listen to me, there are dangerous people on this mountain.
Hugo	We know. We carpooled.
Kit Snicket	You have to leave now, before—
A branch breaks.
Kit Snicket	I'll lead them away.
Kevin	Wait! Do you know how to light a fire?
Kit lights the fire.
Kevin	Thank you.
Kit Snicket	You deserve better.
Kevin	What a nut job.
Hugo	Yeah, she acted like she knew us. That was weird.
Colette	Should she really be running around the woods at night when she's pregnant?
Kevin	I say she's the real freak, not us!
Freaks	Not like us! Not like us! Not like us!
Kevin	Ooh, anyone else feel that chill?
The Sinister Duo arrives to the fire.
Woman with Hair but No Beard	Oh, hello.
Man with a Beard but No Hair	Nice night for it.
Kevin	Who are you?
Woman with Hair but No Beard	I wouldn't worry about boring questions like that.
Man with a Beard but No Hair	Lovely spot, isn't it?
Woman with Hair but No Beard	Secluded.
Man with a Beard but No Hair	A warm fire.
Woman with Hair but No Beard	Yes, this will do nicely.
Hugo	You should leave. There are dangerous people on this mountain.
Kevin	Yeah, us. We're dangerous criminals in Count Olaf's troupe.
Woman with Hair but No Beard	You're here with little Olaf?
Kevin	He's just up on that summit. All we need to do is scream and he'll come running.
Woman with Hair but No Beard	That's a charming theory.
Man with a Beard but No Hair	Let's put it to the test.
The duo points their bladed canes at the freaks. The freaks scream, and are implied to be killed by them. Count Olaf's troupe stops roasting marshmallows and hears the freaks scream.
Count Olaf	Probably weasels.
Kit Snicket	Those weren't weasels.
Count Olaf's troupe continue roasting marshmallows.
Kit Snicket	Come on, Snicket. All you've got to do is get off this mountain, evade your enemies and their eagles, and safe-guard the Sugar Bowl.
Kit realizes she lost the Sugar Bowl.
Kit Snicket	The Sugar Bowl.
SNOW SCOUTS' CAVE
The Baudelaires were snoring. The masked Snow Scout wakes them up.
Snow Scout	Shh!
The Baudelaires follow the Snow Scout.
Snow Scout	I had to wait until the fire died down so I could show you.
The Baudelaires look up and see a chimney.
Violet Baudelaire	The Vertical Flame Diversion?
Snow Scout	It's not just a chimney, it's a secret passageway.
Klaus Baudelaire	How did you know it was here?
Snow Scout	I've read about it in a book called The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations.