Moxietypewritersquare.png This is a transcribed copy of "The Wide Window: Part One". Edit or add to this page, but remember all information should come directly from the original source. Any false information will be sent to The Daily Punctilio.
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The following article or section concerns information that is considered canonical to the Netflix series, but it is unknown as to where it stands in the books' canon. It may also contain information contradictory to the books. Be very cautious when using this information as a source, or you may end up reporting for The Daily Punctilio, or on the lam. Whichever you consider worse.

Any additions in regards to dialogue and character actions would be greatly appreciated.

Speaker Dialogue
Veronica (Newsman) Good evening, and welcome to Lachrymose News, where things that are happening keep happening until they stop. Not unlike the plight of the Baudelaire orphans, whom, viewers will recall, lost their parents and their home in a terrible fire. With the latest update on their dire plight is our co-anchor Vincent Fig Demetrios. Vincent?
Vincent (Newswoman) Thanks, Veronica. Viewers will recall that following the fire, the Baudelaires were sent to live with Count Olaf, a villainous actor and an active villain who has vowed repeatedly that he will stop at nothing to get his hands on the enormous fortune the Baudelaire parents left behind.
Veronica (Newsman) Let's hope so, Vincent. Coming up next, some very nice people were poisoned. But first, the weather.
Lemony stands in front of a map of Lake Lachrymose and tosses weather-shaped magnets onto it to accentuate his report.
Lemony Snicket If the story of the Baudelaire orphans were a weather report, there would be hardly any sunshine to be seen. Instead, there would be cloudbursts of unhappiness. Blizzards of despair. Misery in the form of sleet storms. Various cold fronts of terror. Horror. Attacks of allergies. Not to mention the threat of a devastating hurricane lurking just off the map.
Lemony Snicket If you didn't know about the Baudelaire orphans' unfortunate history and you saw them disembark from the Fickle Ferry and arrive at Damocles Dock, you might think they were bound for an exciting adventure.
Mr. Poe and the Baudelaires stand on Damocles Dock as Mr. Poe attempts to read the sign.
Arthur Poe Here we are, Baudelaires. Deemo...
Lemony Snicket But you would be dead wrong.
Arthur Poe Dimmo...
Lemony Snicket My name is Lemony Snicket.
Arthur Poe Dudy Damo...
Lemony Snicket It's my sad duty...
Arthur Poe Democlay...
Lemony Snicket to tell the tale of the Baudelaires' tragic lives.
Arthur Poe Dimoclath...
Lemony Snicket But you likely have no such responsibilities...
Arthur Poe Dimoclat...
Lemony Snicket And should escape from this sad story...
Arthur Poe Demcaca...
Lemony Snicket before another storm of melancholy engulfs you in dampness and misery.
Arthur Poe Dock.
Violet Baudelaire It's pronounced Damocles.
Klaus Baudelaire After the probably apocryphal figure in Sicilian mythology.
Arthur Poe Well, I don't have time to learn things. The banking day has already begun. In any case, I'm sure you'll be off on some exciting adventure with your new guardian. Remember, you can always rely on us at Mulctuary Money Management.
Mr. Poe hands Klaus his business card.
Arthur Poe Now, if you'll excuse me, I will leave you alone on this mostly deserted dock to await for your taxi to your Aunt Josephine's house.
Violet Baudelaire She's not meeting us here?
Arthur Poe Strangely, she said she'd be unable to come to the dock, and I didn't think it polite to ask why. Perhaps she's planning a surprise party for you children. Which reminds me, I know you've had a frightening and mystifying time with that horrible man, what, um, Count... What's his name? Um...
Violet Baudelaire Olaf.
Arthur Poe Olaf. Who knows where he came from?
Klaus Baudelaire You put us in his care.
Arthur Poe I wouldn't exactly call it care. He's a thief and a murderer, and so far has completely escaped capture. But I have the thing that just might turn things around. Peppermints!
Violet and Klaus exchange a look.
Arthur Poe Delicious peppermints! My second favorite candy when I was a boy. You can eat them in the taxi on the way to meet your dowager aunt.
Violet Baudelaire What's that?
Arthur Poe Oh, Violet, I'm surprised at you. A girl your age should know that a taxi is a car that takes you someplace for a reasonable fee.
Violet sighs. Mr. Poe hands them some folded money.
Arthur Poe And this should just about cover it. Cheers, Baudelaires! (coughing) Good luck.
Mr. Poe continues coughing as he makes his way back to the ferry. The Baudelaires wave goodbye halfheartedly.
Klaus Baudelaire "Dowager" is a fancy word for widow.
Violet Baudelaire (chuckles) Thank you.
Klaus Baudelaire Should we have told him we're allergic to peppermints?
Violet tosses the bag of mints high over her shoulder. It lands in a clown-shaped trash can.
Violet Baudelaire It didn't seem worth mentioning. We have a lot more important things on our minds.
Klaus Baudelaire Like asking Aunt Josephine if she can help explain all the strange and mysterious things that keep happening to us.
Violet Baudelaire And how to get a taxi.
A yellow taxi stops next to them, tires screeching. The driver leans out the window.
Taxi Driver Does anyone need a ride somewhere for a reasonable fee?
A moment later, they drive away in the taxi.
Violet Baudelaire This town doesn't seem very crowded.
Taxi Driver It's the off-season. When the weather's nice, this town is as crowded as can be. But around now, things are as dead as the cat I ran over this morning. Hold on.
The taxi takes a hairpin turn.
Taxi Driver I hope your Aunt Josephine has enough food and supplies when Hurricane Herman arrives. It's supposed to be a doozy. I'm gonna sit it out in a cabin with the works of Herman Melville and a large pot of vegetarian chili.
Klaus Baudelaire I thought hurricanes only occurred near oceans.
Taxi Driver With a body of water as large as Lake Lachrymose, anything can happen.
Sunny giggles.
Taxi Driver You know, what's interesting is the storms in Herman Melville's work are more metaphorical, or even allegorical, rather than the naturalistic style of someone like Thoreau, if you know what I mean. The shore represents our tenuous hold on the earthly nature of mortal existence, and the turbulent waters represent the villainy and troubles in our own lives. Like a threatening rowboat getting closer and closer with each passing moment.
The taxi makes its way toward the house, revealed to be in an extremely precarious position.
Count Olaf Ahh, solitude. Blissful contemplation of my inward eye. Only when I am alone can I court the muse and dream up the next step in my... (chuckles) ...glorious scheme.
The camera pulls back to reveal that Olaf's boat is being pulled by another, in which his associates are paddling furiously.
Hook-Handed Man (yelling back to him) And what is the next step, boss?
Bald Man Brute force?
Count Olaf No, no. I need something worthy of this grandiose locale. Something dashing, something romantic. You know, in many ways, I am married to the sea.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender This is actually a large lake.
Count Olaf I am married to the sea, but my girlfriend is a large lake.
White-Faced Woman #1 Land ho!
White-Faced Woman #2 I told you to stop calling me that.
The Baudelaires stand in front of Aunt Josephine's house as the taxi driver unloads their luggage.
Taxi Driver I'd say to him, "Lay off the big white whale for a few days. See how you feel. Take a vacation. Rest your leg."
The taxi driver looks up at the house.
Taxi Driver Wow! Your aunt must be a remarkable lady to live all the way up here by herself.
Violet Baudelaire We've been told Aunt Josephine is fierce and formidable.
Taxi Driver She must be.
He closes the trunk and gets in.
Taxi Driver Good luck!
Klaus Baudelaire Thank you.
The taxi departs.
Klaus Baudelaire I hope she really can answer all of our questions.
Violet Baudelaire There's so much we don't know. It's like we're standing on the edge of a precipice with no idea what lies below.
The camera looks dizzyingly over the house and down at the cliff it sits over.
Lemony Snicket In fact, it was exactly like that. Although I do know what lies below, which is a 300-foot drop into the freezing waters of Lake Lachrymose.
The camera finishes its journey and ends with Lemony, in a small sailboat.
Lemony Snicket Still, standing on a precipice is better than slipping on a precipice, or falling over a precipice. So, before things get worse, I would advise that you take note of the three words the Baudelaires were about to find on Aunt Josephine's front door.
Klaus Baudelaire "Please go away."
Violet tries the doorbell, but it doesn't seem to work. Klaus is about to knock when the door opens.
Josephine Anwhistle Don't knock. You might get splinters. This door is made of wood, which is teeming with tiny shards, which in turn is teeming with infection. You must never knock.
Violet Baudelaire I'm sorry. I'm sure you're right about all of that. We're looking for our Aunt Josephine. I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings--
Josephine Anwhistle Klaus and Sunny, of course, of course. Come in. Come in!
They enter, and Josephine closes the door.
Klaus Baudelaire The doorbell didn't appear to be working.
Josephine Anwhistle It's disconnected. There is the danger of electrocution. (stammers) And be careful not to bump into the phone.
Klaus Baudelaire I've read quite a bit about electricity, and I'm reasonably certain that doorbells and telephones are safe.
Josephine Anwhistle Not if you have a faulty pacemaker.
Klaus Baudelaire Does someone here have a faulty pacemaker?
Josephine Anwhistle No, but you can never be too careful.
Sunny Baudelaire Oh boy.
Violet Baudelaire Do you live with our Aunt Josephine?
Josephine Anwhistle I am your Aunt Josephine.
She sees her face in a mirror and screams.
Violet Baudelaire You are?
Josephine Anwhistle Yes, of course.
Klaus Baudelaire Are you sure?
Josephine Anwhistle Of course I'm sure. Although, I prefer the word "certain." Follow me. But mind the rug. You might trip and break your necks.
They follow her.
Violet Baudelaire Fierce Aunt Josephine.
Klaus Baudelaire Formidable Aunt Josephine.
Sunny Baudelaire Crazy Aunt Josephine.
Aunt Josephine turns and looks at Sunny.
Josephine Anwhistle "Delmo"? What do you mean by "delmo"? I consider myself an expert on the English language, and I have no idea what the word "delmo" means.
Klaus Baudelaire Sunny doesn't speak fluently yet. Just baby talk, mostly.
Josephine Anwhistle Well, you have arrived just in time. I know you've seen many unusual things.
Klaus Baudelaire Yes, we have.
Josephine Anwhistle And you must have many questions.
Violet Baudelaire Yes, we do.
Josephine Anwhistle In my library, you will find all the answers that you need. Are you ready?
Violet Baudelaire We're ready.
Josephine Anwhistle Then open the door.
Violet approaches it. Josephine gasps and jumps in front of it.
Josephine Anwhistle Ah! Just... just push on the wood. The knob could shatter into a million pieces and hit your eyes!
She backs up and allows them to enter. The library has shelves along the sides, with the far wall consisting almost entirely of a large window with a view of the lake.
Josephine Anwhistle Lake Lachrymose. I know every island in its waters and every cave along its shores. But now I can only stand to look at it from far away. That's why I couldn't meet you on the docks. I'm too haunted by the past.
Violet Baudelaire Does this have anything to do with our parents?
Josephine Anwhistle Certainly not. It has to do with my husband...
She gestures at a portrait on the wall.
Josephine Anwhistle Ike. He was my best friend, my partner, and one of the few people I knew who could whistle with crackers in his mouth. His specialty was Beethoven's fourth string quartet.
Klaus Baudelaire Our mother could do that.
Josephine Anwhistle Her specialty was Mozart's 14th symphony.
Violet Baudelaire Yeah, that's right.
Josephine Anwhistle We were all friends, your parents and Ike and me. We used to gather on these shores for picnics and to develop our own secret codes.
Klaus Baudelaire Our parents developed secret codes?
Josephine Anwhistle I'll never forget our last picnic. I warned Ike to wait an hour after eating before going into the lake, but he only waited 45 minutes.
Klaus Baudelaire Did he get cramps? That's what's supposed to happen if you don't wait an hour before you swim.
Josephine Anwhistle Cramps are one reason, but in Lake Lachrymose, there's another.
She pulls down a wall map of Lake Lachrymose.
Josephine Anwhistle Part of the lake is a breeding ground for the Lachrymose Leeches, which are quite different from regular leeches. They each have six rows of very sharp teeth and one very sharp nose that can smell the tiniest bit of food from far, far away. The Lachrymose Leeches are usually quite harmless, but if they smell food on a human, they will start to swarm around him and...
The map retracts spontaneously, startling Aunt Josephine and causing her to scream. She begins to cry.
Josephine Anwhistle I apologize, children. It is grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with the word "and," but I get so upset when I think about Ike.
Violet Baudelaire We're sorry we asked about him.
Klaus Baudelaire We didn't mean to upset you.
Violet Baudelaire Aunt Josephine, you said you had answers for us.
Josephine Anwhistle Yes! Thank you for reminding me. As soon as Sunny said what she said, I knew you were missing some crucial information.
Klaus Baudelaire Sunny? What did she say?
Josephine Anwhistle Don't you remember, Klaus? She said "delmo," and that's when I knew what I had to impart. The key to making sense to this... this confusing and terrifying world.
She reaches toward a wall safe, but hesitates.
Josephine Anwhistle Perhaps you're too young.
Violet Baudelaire We can handle it.
Klaus Baudelaire We can handle anything.
Aunt Josephine reaches beyond the safe to pull out a hidden bookcase.
Josephine Anwhistle Grammar.
Violet Baudelaire Grammar?
Josephine Anwhistle Grammar. Since I lost Ike, I have devoted my life to the study of it. Here is a complete history of nouns. Oh! And there is an explicitly illustrated encyclopedia of verbs. I am so happy to have three young new charges to learn everything, from the Oxford comma to the Wesleyan semicolon.
Klaus Baudelaire Grammar.
Josephine Anwhistle Grammar! It's the greatest joy in life, don't you find?
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine, what does grammar have to do with developing secret codes?
Josephine Anwhistle Uh, you used the wrong tense, Klaus. It's a common grammatical error. You should have said, "What did grammar have to do with developing secret codes?"
Klaus Baudelaire What did grammar have to do--
Josephine Anwhistle Absolutely nothing.
A clock chimes, causing Aunt Josephine to shriek.
Josephine Anwhistle It's the clock. (chuckles) Lunch time. How does soup sound?
Klaus and Violet Baudelaire Soup sounds wonderful.
Klaus eats a spoonful of soup. The house creaks in the wind.
Klaus Baudelaire Uh, cold soup.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, yes. I never cook anything hot. I'm afraid to turn on the stove. It... it might burst into flames.
Sunny looks at her in disbelief.
Josephine Anwhistle This is chilled cucumber soup. It's a recipe that I learned in Egypt, where I was briefly employed as a snake charmer.
Violet Baudelaire Our father lived in Egypt before we were born. Is that when you--
Josephine Anwhistle I don't talk about that.
Klaus Baudelaire When we were living with Uncle Monty--
Josephine Anwhistle I said I don't talk about that.
Klaus Baudelaire But there was a statue--
Josephine Anwhistle Klaus, I said I don't talk about that.
Violet Baudelaire You don't talk about that? Or you won't?
Aunt Josephine pauses and sets down her spoon.
Josephine Anwhistle This is one of those rare grammatical instances where "don't" and "won't" mean the same thing. I knew your parents a long time ago, when things were very different. Those were fierce and formidable days. But I don't talk about that, and you won't hear about that. I shouldn't have to tell you orphans there are many, many things to be afraid of in this world. The safest strategy is to be afraid of them all.
Sunny Baudelaire Get her help.
Josephine Anwhistle I like to think of happier things. The joys of grammar and how much Ike loved the sunshine. I like to imagine that where he is now, the weather is just as lovely and sunny as can be. Of course, nobody knows what happens to you when you die, but I like to think that my husband is somewhere hot.
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought about moving somewhere else? Maybe if you lived far away from Lake Lachrymose, you might feel better.
Violet Baudelaire We'd go with you. Maybe then you'd feel comfortable enough to discuss some of the things you don't and won't discuss.
Josephine Anwhistle I could never sell this house. I'm afraid of real estate agents.
Lemony exits Look! It Fits! Menswear wearing the same garish outfit as the dummy in the window.
Lemony Snicket I'm sure you know there are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational. Or, in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't. For instance, the Baudelaire orphans had a fear of Count Olaf, which makes perfect sense because he is an evil man who wants to destroy them. But if they were afraid of lemon meringue pie, that would be an irrational fear because lemon meringue pie is delicious and has never hurt a soul.
Larry Your-Waiter stumbles out of a store carrying a tall stack of pie boxes, which he carries to the Anxious Clown next door.
Lemony Snicket Being afraid of hurricanes is perfectly rational because they can be quite sinister and destructive. But a fear of real estate agents, a term which here means "people who assist in the buying and selling of houses," would be an irrational fear because nothing sinister has ever come from the real estate market.
Lemony exits. Inside the Anxious Clown, Larry turns on the lights, and comes out whistling. He flips the sign to "open" and begins sweeping.
Larry Your-Waiter Count Olaf. I didn't think I'd see you again after all that unpleasantness with Mr. Snicket.
They begin circling each other.
Count Olaf What are you doing here? It's the off-season.
Larry Your-Waiter Thanks to a helpful real estate agent, this restaurant is under new management.
Count Olaf New management? Don't make me laugh.
Larry Your-Waiter You're not laughing.
Count Olaf Neither are you.
Olaf grabs Larry's broom and they begin wrestling over it. Larry begins advancing.
Larry Your-Waiter The Baudelaires are safe and sound and learning everything they need to know about our secret organization.
Count Olaf Oh?
Larry Your-Waiter They should've begun their training years ago, but it's not too late.
Count Olaf (grunts) Rats!
Larry Your-Waiter Their new guardian is the most fierce and formidable member of our organization.
They pause.
Count Olaf Wait, not Snicket?
Larry Your-Waiter What? No. Isn't he dead?
Count Olaf Is he? (pauses) It doesn't matter.
They resume wrestling with the broom. Now Olaf begins advancing.
Count Olaf All your silly codes and obscure literary references can't save you.
Larry Your-Waiter Oh?
Count Olaf The Baudelaire children will be destroyed, and their fortune will be mine.
Larry Your-Waiter Rats!
Count Olaf You and your ridiculous comrades will be swept away.
They break the broom in half and Larry falls to the ground with a grunt.
Larry Your-Waiter We'll see about that.
Count Olaf Yes, we will.
Larry Your-Waiter That's what I'm saying. You can push me around all you want--
Count Olaf Thank you.
Larry Your-Waiter But Josephine will stop you. The children will stop you. Reports indicate that they have incredible gifts.
Count Olaf Josephine?
Larry sighs, defeated. He looks up and sees all of Olaf's associates standing over him.
Josephine sits on a bed, the children on the bed opposite her.
Josephine Anwhistle Gifts! For Violet, a lovely doll... with plenty of outfits. Her name is Pretty Penny. Isn't she adorable?
She hands them to Violet, who accepts them and tries to smile politely.
Violet Baudelaire She looks a little like Madame Curie.
Josephine Anwhistle For Klaus, a deck of cards. I have never been a young boy, but I hear they enjoy card games.
She hands the cards to Klaus.
Klaus Baudelaire I once read a book about the history of legalized gambling.
Josephine Anwhistle And for little Sunny, it is a rattle. It makes a little noise.
She shakes it and hands it to Sunny.
Sunny Baudelaire I prefer the music of Tito Puente.
Josephine Anwhistle Do you like them?
Violet Baudelaire It's very generous of you, Aunt Josephine.
Josephine Anwhistle Well, I know my home isn't the warmest place, but if you follow the rules, it will be a safe one. And as your guardian, your safety is my greatest responsibility. That is why I put cans near all the doors and windows each night. In case any burglars come in, they trip over the cans and wake us up.
Violet Baudelaire But what if we're awake in the house with an angry burglar?
Josephine Anwhistle Angry burglar? Where?
She turns around frantically.
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine, you must be very worried about Hurricane Herman.
Josephine Anwhistle Hurricane?
Violet Baudelaire Herman. The taxi driver said it's a huge storm headed our way.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, dear. We'll need food! We'll need supplies! We must all go to town immediately.
Klaus Baudelaire Maybe my sisters and I could stay here.
Josephine Anwhistle Good point. You never know what might happen in a small town. You ever read Thornton Wilder? Perhaps we should all stay here.
Violet Baudelaire Of course, but what if we run out of food in the middle of a hurricane?
Klaus Baudelaire Wouldn't that be frightening?
Violet Baudelaire Terrifyingly frightening?
An expression of panic grows on Josephine's face.
Josephine Anwhistle (calling upstairs) I won't be long, children! Don't do anything dangerous! You know, anything I wouldn't do!
Violet Baudelaire (yelling back) Of course not!
Klaus Baudelaire (also yelling) Nothing you wouldn't do!
Aunt Josephine leaves.
Klaus turns on a burner on the stove, Sunny shreds some cheese, Violet lights a candle. They sit around the table eating something warm.
Violet Baudelaire (to Sunny) I know you don't care for the sound, but maybe I could use your rattle to invent a burglar alarm so Aunt Josephine won't have to rely on piles of cans.
Klaus Baudelaire And, Sunny, you can have the deck of cards. You enjoy playing poker more than I do.
Violet Baudelaire That leaves you with the doll.
Klaus Baudelaire Plenty of boys enjoy playing with dolls. Although, I would rather a book.
Violet Baudelaire That doesn't seem fair.
Klaus Baudelaire At least Aunt Josephine's trying. She wanted to get us gifts, even though she didn't know what we liked. We shouldn't complain.
Violet Baudelaire You're right. She means well. Even though she's terrified of everything, we shouldn't complain.
Klaus Baudelaire (chuckling) You're right.
A pause.
Klaus Baudelaire I want to complain anyway.
Violet Baudelaire (chuckles) Let's get to work.
They finish their bowls and make their way to the library.
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine told us that all the answers we need were in her library, but she made a grammatical error.
Violet Baudelaire Wait, let me get this straight. Aunt Josephine made a grammatical error?
Klaus Baudelaire The word "library" is singular, meaning one. But this isn't one library, it's two. The one you see here...
Klaus rolls the bookcase aside and gestures at the safe.
Klaus Baudelaire …and the one you don't. Aunt Josephine might not open up, but her safe might.
Violet Baudelaire That won't be easy. That's why people have safes. Most safes use three numbers. That means that there are thousands of possible combinations.
Klaus Baudelaire One million. Aunt Josephine said that she and our parents developed secret codes. In some codes, numbers substitute for letters and words.
Violet Baudelaire If it's words, it'd have to be something she'd remember. Something she cares about.
Klaus Baudelaire "Grammar"?
Violet Baudelaire Too many letters.
Klaus Baudelaire What else does she care about? Cold food?
Violet Baudelaire Doorbell safety?
Klaus Baudelaire Avoiding questions about anything we want to know?
Sunny Baudelaire Ike!
Violet Baudelaire That's three letters long.
Klaus kneels and begins turning the combination lock.
Klaus Baudelaire "I" is the ninth letter of the alphabet. Eleven for "K." And "E," the fifth.
He opens the safe, revealing a "Lake Lachrymose tin, some sheet music and photos, and a book.
Violet opens the tin to find an assortment of crackers.
Violet Baudelaire Crackers?
Sunny Baudelaire Safe crackers.
Klaus examines the sheet music.
Klaus Baudelaire Very high-pitched Beethoven.
Violet Baudelaire That's Ike's whistling music. And look...
She pulls out the photos and they page through them.
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine wrestling with an alligator?
Violet Baudelaire And winning.
Klaus Baudelaire Boxing. Skydiving.
Violet Baudelaire Who jumps out of a plane for fun?
Klaus Baudelaire Cooking with fire. She wasn't scared of anything.
Violet Baudelaire What happened to her?
Klaus clears the remaining photos from on top of the book and pulls it out.
Klaus Baudelaire The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations.
Violet Baudelaire All the answers are in here. Even if our guardian won't tell us anything, we can still find out what we're looking for.
Josephine Anwhistle (O.S.) Not the doorknob! Not the doorknob!
They hurry to put everything back in the safe, close it, slide the bookcase back in place, and sit on the other side of the room, reading books.
Josephine Anwhistle Baudelaires.
Josephine enters carrying paper bags filled with limes.
Josephine Anwhistle Baudelaires, there you are. Sunny! I found something very interesting at the town market and petting zoo.
Klaus Baudelaire Limes.
Josephine Anwhistle I found two very interesting things at the town market and petting zoo. One, yes, a great deal of limes at a reasonable price. It's perfect for cold lime stew. The other is even better.
She takes a chair from the corner and sets it down in front of them, sitting down.
Josephine Anwhistle Something wonderful. Baudelaires, I know I am a disappointment to you and to countless others. Believe it or not, I used to be a fierce and formidable woman. Your parents and I were more than friends. We were associates. We were colleagues, comrades, collaborators, allies, volunteers! But these are troubling times.
Violet Baudelaire I know you miss Ike very much.
Josephine Anwhistle And I know you miss your parents very much. It's a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It's like climbing the stairs to your room in the dark, thinking that there's one more stair than there is. And your foot falls through the air, and there is a sickly feeling of dark surprise.
Klaus Baudelaire That's exactly what it's like.
Josephine Anwhistle It's terrifying. But today I realized, with my hands full of limes, you can't be terrified forever. I think I am ready to be fierce and formidable again. And I think we can do it together.
Violet Baudelaire That sounds wonderful.
Josephine Anwhistle So, can I leave you children alone a few more hours? He wants to take me out for a fried-egg sandwich.
Klaus Baudelaire What?
Josephine Anwhistle I met a man, a gentleman, at the town market and petting zoo. He has had a troubled past, and we're going to talk about it over a fried-egg sandwich. It'll be good to have something hot for a change. I just wanted to get a warm cardigan that's flattering to my figure.
Violet Baudelaire You're going on a date?
Josephine Anwhistle Don't be vulgar, Violet. It is not a date, necessarily. It's just two adults sharing quality time together over toasted rye bread and runny yolks. Oh, be nice to him, won't you? Just make small talk while I get my sweater.
She gasps excitedly, putting her chair away and calling to the mysterious man.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, Captain! Oh, Captain!
Count Olaf enters in a new disguise, a sailor with a peg leg.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I'm hobbling as fast as I can, Josephine. Well, good evening, children. My name is Captain Sham, and my home is the sea.
Violet Baudelaire No, it isn't.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Well, it's... it's a large lake.
Klaus Baudelaire Don't be ridiculous.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) All right, all right. My home is near a large lake. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Violet Baudelaire We've already made your acquaintance. You're Count Olaf.
Josephine Anwhistle Count Olaf? Why would you bring up such a terrifying person? Count Olaf! Just as I was working up the courage to go put on my cardigan. Good thing we have a sea captain to keep us safe.
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine, this is not a sea captain. This is Count Olaf.
Josephine Anwhistle Klaus, I am shocked!
Violet Baudelaire It's true.
Josephine Anwhistle I am shocked at your grammar. You can't say, "This is Count Olaf." The proper sentence is, "He is Count Olaf."
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Who is this Count Omar? He sounds handsome.
Klaus Baudelaire He has the same shiny eyes and the same single eyebrow.
Josephine Anwhistle Klaus! Grammar! That is an eyepatch.
Violet Baudelaire The tattoo! Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle.
Josephine Anwhistle Violet... this man's left ankle was devoured during his duties as a sailboat rental agent. That's how the two of us met.
Josephine Anwhistle (together) I was shopping for limes.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (together) She was shopping for limes.
The two of them look at each other, laughing.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Shall I?
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, you tell it.
Violet and Klaus look at each other in disbelief.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) No, you tell it.
Josephine Anwhistle Very well.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I remember it as if it were yesterday.
Josephine Anwhistle Although it was only a few hours ago.
Title card:
A few hours ago…
Aunt Josephine walks through the market, looking at her list.
Dill Salesperson Very fresh dill. Very fresh dill.
Hook-Handed Man (French accent) Have you heard that Captain Sham is in town?
Bald Man What a wonderful and handsome fellow that Captain Sham is.
Fish Head Salesperson Fish heads! Fish heads! Roly-poly fish heads!
White-Faced Woman #1 Speaking of handsome...
White-Faced Woman #2 Have you heard about Captain Sham?
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender I'm talking to myself about Captain Sham.
Lime Salesperson Limes. A whole lot of limes.
Josephine Anwhistle Limes!
Lime Salesperson Limes.
Josephine Anwhistle I need some limes.
Lime Salesperson I sell limes.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, citric acid.
Count Olaf steps up and pushes the lime salesperson out of the way.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Would you allow me, madam? I have an eye for ripeness, and I've always thought that the tangiest pulp comes from the toughest rinds.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, my.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Of course, you're probably far too young to understand that, Miss...
Josephine Anwhistle Anwhistle. Josephine Anwhistle.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I'm Captain Sham.
Hook-Handed Man The brave Captain Sham?
Bald Man The famous Captain Sham?
White-Faced Woman #1 The Captain Sham.
White-Faced Woman #2 Who isn't in disguise?
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, I've heard your name everywhere.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Yes, that's the idea. My name is Captain Sham, and my home is the sea.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, I would have thought you lived nearby.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (sighs) Large lake, large lake. I am so happy to make the acquaintance of a local personage. I've been so lonely since I lost my... Um...
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender Left.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Left leg.
Josephine Anwhistle I'm so sorry.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Yeah, I've been fitted with a wooden prosthetic.
He taps his wooden leg against a crate for emphasis.
Josephine Anwhistle How did it happen?
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Um, we used half of an old broom.
Josephine Anwhistle No, I mean, the accident.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Oh, the accident! Nobody could possibly understand.
Hook-Handed Man It's un-understandable.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I was sitting on my boat...
White-Faced Woman #1 The way sailors do.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) enjoying some pasta puttanesca...
White-Faced Woman #2 Which is also totally normal.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) when I spilled some on my leg.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender And a very handsome leg it was.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Before I knew it, the leeches were attacking me.
Hook-Handed Man (French) Terrible!
White-Faced Women (together) Ghastly!
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I fought them off as best I could.
White-Faced Woman #1 Ka-pow!
White-Faced Woman #2 Zoink!
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) But my right leg was not strong enough.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender Left.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) My right leg was not strong enough to rescue my left leg.
Josephine Anwhistle That's terrible.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Yes, it is terrible. And no one can understand. Can you, stranger?
Hook-Handed Man No.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) You, other stranger?
Bald Man No.
White-Faced Woman #1 I wish I could understand.
White-Faced Woman #2 Because you're so very handsome.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) You see, nobody can understand, and that's why I'm all alone.
Count Olaf's associates (together) Aw!
Josephine Anwhistle I can understand, Captain Sham.
Hook-Handed Man What?
Bald Man It can't be!
White-Faced Woman #1 Extra...
White-Faced Woman #2 ...ordinary.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender I don't believe it.
Josephine Anwhistle That's just how it happened with my husband.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) That wasn't pasta.
Josephine Anwhistle Leeches. I lost my husband to the Lachrymose Leeches.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Good heavens! I had absolutely no idea. I swear.
Hook-Handed Man None of us did.
Bald Man I've never even heard of your husband Ike.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Then... you do understand.
Josephine Anwhistle I think I do.
Hook-Handed Man What?
White-Faced Woman #1 Two lost...
White-Faced Woman #2 ...and damaged souls.
White-Faced Women (alternating) K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Could it be possible that my lonely days are over?
Josephine Anwhistle I have been lonely, too. And I disconnected the doorbell.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Why did you do that?
Josephine Anwhistle Because of electrocution.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) That's crazy.
Hook-Handed Man Uh, boss!
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Crazy because I did the exact same thing myself!
Josephine Anwhistle Really?
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Okay, yes.
Josephine Anwhistle The world is so terrifying.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) It is? It is! Just like the rough and tumultuous sea.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender Lake.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Lake.
Josephine Anwhistle Well, perhaps I need a captain.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Yes. Yes! Perhaps we should sail this fragile and flammable world together.
Josephine Anwhistle Sail?
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Yes, I'm a sailboat rental agent.
Josephine Anwhistle Is that anything like a real estate agent?
It's actually quite similar.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Absolutely not. See? I have my own business card.
Josephine Anwhistle "Captain Sham's Sailboats. Every boat has it's own sail." Oh, Captain, you have made a serious grammatical error here.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) What?
Josephine Anwhistle This card says "it's," I-T-apostrophe-S. That always means "it is." You don't mean to say "Every boat has it is own sail." You mean simply I-T-S, as in "belonging to it." It's a common mistake, but a dreadful one.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Thank you for pointing that out. Care to accompany me on a cruise through leech-infested waters?
Olaf's associates lean in to hear her response.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, no, Captain. I couldn't possibly go out on Lake Lachrymose. Not after what happened to my husband. I'm surprised you can.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I can't! I never said I could. Uh...
Hook-Handed Man (whispers) Fried-egg sandwich.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) How would you like to go get a fried-egg sandwich?
Bald Man What an opportunity.
White-Faced Woman #1 I'm so...
White-Faced Woman #2 ...jealous.
Josephine Anwhistle I'd love to.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Great.
Olaf clicks his teeth.
Josephine Anwhistle Perhaps I could review it one more time. (to Sham) I-T-apostrophe-S.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I'm sure they understand, Josephine! After all, these three children aren't blithering morons, are you, Baudelaires? No, they're wonderful, obedient little orphans. Maybe one day, they'll also let me take them on a boat ride, very far away.
Sunny Baudelaire Go jump in the lake.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Ahoy, a hairless pygmy!
Klaus Baudelaire She is a baby and you know that.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) We'll discuss what sort of pygmy she is later. In the meantime, the adults have a date.
Josephine Anwhistle I'll get my cardigan.
Violet Baudelaire Aunt Josephine!
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, Violet, calm down. I'll be back in a jiffy!
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) So... long time, no see.
Klaus Baudelaire You'll never get away with this.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Get away with what? I'm just a sea captain romancing a fierce and formidable woman.
Violet Baudelaire You're not a sea captain.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Oh, yes, I am. It says so on my business cards.
Klaus Baudelaire Business cards aren't proof of anything. Anyone can go to a print shop and have cards made that say anything they like.
Olaf begins advancing on Klaus and Violet, out of the room and nearly to the front door.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Well, you're just a heap of facts, aren't you, Klaus? Facts and facts and facts and facts! But none of them do you any good. Just like poor Uncle Monty. And your parents, may they rest in ashes.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, Captain Sham?
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine, we have to tell you something.
Olaf thrusts his hand in Klaus's face.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) That's right! Stay back, Josephine! Stay back! There's lit candles in here! Everyone remain calm. Remain calm!
He goes up to the candles and blows them out. After a moment's hesitation, he plays it up.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Oh, the heat! The heat!
He staggers back, panting.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) The danger has passed. It's fine now. The orphans tried to engulf your entire house in flames, but it's fine now. Shhh.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, thank you, Captain Sham.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Please... call me... Julio.
Josephine Anwhistle Julio.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Now, let's get a fried egg in you, madam.
Josephine Anwhistle I would like that very much.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Though the orphans would like to say they're sorry, wouldn't you, orphans?
Klaus Baudelaire We're very sorry.
Josephine Anwhistle We'll speak no more about it, Baudelaires. Clean up the dishes and go to bed. And no more candles.
Violet Baudelaire Yes, Aunt Josephine.
Josephine Anwhistle Or doorknobs!
Klaus Baudelaire Of course.
Josephine Anwhistle Or--
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Come now, Josephine. Our romantic ride in the back of a taxi awaits.
They begin to exit.
Josephine Anwhistle And be careful in your dreams.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (chuckles) Don't wait up, orphans. (laughs deviously)
Violet Baudelaire We have to go after her.
Klaus pulls down the town map.
Klaus Baudelaire There are at least half a dozen egg sandwich restaurants within driving distance.
Sunny Baudelaire Uber?
Violet Baudelaire We'll walk into town. If we see the taxi driver, we can ask him where he took them.
Klaus Baudelaire What do we do when we find them? Aunt Josephine's fallen for Count Olaf's disguise and for Count Olaf.
Violet Baudelaire Maybe so, but we haven't.
She picks up Sunny from her chair.
Violet Baudelaire Whatever Count Olaf's scheme is, we have to stop it.
They exit the house. Outside, a car arrives, carrying Count Olaf's associates.
Hook-Handed Man Going somewhere?
White-Faced Woman #1 Young people shouldn't wander around this time of night.
White-Faced Woman #2 There are dangerous people lurking about.
Bald Man Go back in the house.
White-Faced Woman #1 Where it's safer.
White-Faced Woman #2 And strangers can't get you.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender Strangers? Where?
Hook-Handed Man [hook-handed man] I thought you were guarding the waiter.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender (pointing at the White-Faced Women) I thought they were.
White-Faced Women (together, pointing at the Bald Man) We thought he was!
Hook-Handed Man So, nobody's guarding the waiter?
Larry Your-Waiter is tied to a chair. He scoots forward to reach the phone sitting on the table, but tips over just before getting there, his head landing on a lime.
Hook-Handed Man We'll be keeping an eye on you.
The children walk back inside and close the door.
Klaus Baudelaire Must be another way out of here.
Violet Baudelaire There is one other way. Wait here.
Violet sets Sunny down on a chair. Klaus and Violet look out through the Wide Window.
Klaus Baudelaire We can't get out that way. Even if that window could open, it's at least a 100-foot drop.
Violet Baudelaire Or a 100-foot climb.
Violet ties her hair up with a ribbon.
Violet Baudelaire I saw some fishing nets in the kitchen. I could braid them into a ladder.
Klaus Baudelaire Violet--
Violet Baudelaire We could break the window and climb down.
Klaus Baudelaire Violet--
Violet Baudelaire We'd reach the water...
Klaus Baudelaire Violet--
Violet Baudelaire in no time.
Klaus Baudelaire Then what?
Violet Baudelaire I don't know. I don't know what to do.
Klaus Baudelaire We don't even know what Count Olaf's plan is.
Violet Baudelaire We know he wants to use Aunt Josephine to get our fortune.
Klaus Baudelaire Then maybe he's going to kill her, like he did Uncle Monty.
Violet Baudelaire Maybe he's gonna marry her, like he tried to do with me.
Klaus Baudelaire I can think of 100 different outcomes, all of which are terrifying.
Violet Baudelaire That must be how Aunt Josephine feels.
Klaus Baudelaire Maybe she's right. The world is scary and we should be afraid.
Klaus sits.
Klaus Baudelaire No matter where we go, Count Olaf will be there. No matter who we tell, no one will listen to us. There is nowhere safe for us... and no guardian can help us.
Violet sits next to Klaus.
Klaus Baudelaire And our parents are never coming back.
Violet Baudelaire "Life is a conundrum of esoterica." That's what Uncle Monty--
Klaus Baudelaire Uncle Monty is dead.
Violet Baudelaire Aunt Josephine isn't. She didn't protect us from Count Olaf, but we can still protect her. We have to warn her, even if it's dangerous.
Klaus Baudelaire You don't sound scared.
Violet Baudelaire Remember what Mother said? "Do the scary thing first--"
Klaus Baudelaire "And get scared afterwards."
Klaus stands.
Klaus Baudelaire I'll see what I can find.
Violet Baudelaire I'll work on that ladder.
Captain Sham plays the spoons and sings:
♪ I, I, I (coughs) I love the sea / The reason I'm a sailor 'cause / It's the only way to be / Well, I love schooners And I love ships / And I love that boat that tugs / I have nautical images / On all my sheets and rugs ♪ See what I did? ♪ I, I, I / I love the sea / The reason I'm a sailor 'cause / It's the only way to be / The reason I'm a sailor 'cause / It's the only way to be ♪ (off-key high notes)
Aunt Josephine looks increasingly uncomfortable.
Taxi Driver (stammers) It's a large lake, actually.
Josephine Anwhistle I do hope the children will be safe.
"Father" writes deciphered plaintext on a coded telegram. "Mother" stands next to him, looking at a map.
"Father" I do hope the children will be safe.
"Mother" We should have a clear flight, provided the weather holds, the plane flies, and none of our enemies have air cannons.
"Father" That sounds like--
"Mother" Our honeymoon.
"Father" Things worked out then.
"Mother" Well, things change. We have three children who need us, and they need us now.
"Father" They're brave, like their mother.
"Mother" They're bold, like their father. Have you decoded the message yet?
"Father" It says, "You can't lock up the barn after the horses are gone."
"Mother" I hope we're not too late.
"Father" pulls the cover off of an airplane, exposing a wing with several holes.
"Mother" Bullet holes.
"Father" It is like our honeymoon.
Lemony Snicket The expression "You can't lock up the barn after the horses are gone" was a favorite of a woman who meant a great deal to me, even after she was trampled.
Lemony Snicket The expression simply means that sometimes even the best of plans will occur to you when it is too late, just as all of us are far, far too late to be of any help at all to the Baudelaires.
A car pulls up to the house.
Lemony Snicket I wish that I could go back somehow and warn the Baudelaires about what would happen that sorry evening. I spend many sleepless nights wishing there was some powerful invention, some crucial bit of research, …
The children sit on their beds. Violet cuts some netting with a pair of scissors, Klaus examines The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations, and Sunny eats a cracker with the sheet music in her lap.
Lemony Snicket (O.S.) that might enable me to change the Baudelaires' sad history. But again and again I remind myself that there was nothing I could do, just as the Baudelaires could do nothing to prevent that window from shattering.
Offscreen, a window shatters.
Violet Baudelaire What was that?
Klaus Baudelaire It sounded like a window shattering.
They hurry downstairs.
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine!
Violet Baudelaire Aunt Josephine?
They make it to the library. The wind whistles past a large, person-shaped hole in the window.
Violet Baudelaire Aunt Josephine...
Klaus spots a note and picks it up. They walk to the window and look out, reading the note.
Klaus Baudelaire (reading) "Violet, Klaus and Sunny: By the time you read this note, my life will be at it's end."
Violet Baudelaire No.
Klaus Baudelaire "My heart is as cold as Ike, and I find my life inbearable."
Violet Baudelaire Aunt Josephine.
The scene fades to a future point, where the house has disappeared, and Lemony stands beside a marble stone that says "BEATRICE"
Lemony Snicket It is impossible to go back, of course, and tell the Baudelaires that their fears that night were entirely rational. It is impossible to go back and tell them anything at all, just as it is impossible to put Aunt Josephine's house back on top of this cliff. I can tell you something. I can tell you that, as the Baudelaires stood there and gazed out the wide window of Josephine's house, believing that their guardian was dead...
Violet Baudelaire (whispering) Aunt Josephine.
Lemony Snicket ...that they were wrong. I can tell you that Aunt Josephine was not dead at all.
He looks through a Spyglass.
Lemony Snicket Not yet.


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