| Speaker
|
Dialogue
|
| INT. TV STUDIO - DAY
|
| Veronica (Newsman)
|
Good evening, and welcome to Lachrymose News, where things that are happening keep happening until they stop. Not unlike the plight of the Baudelaire orphans, whom, viewers will recall, lost their parents and their home in a terrible fire. With the latest update on their dire plight is our co-anchor Vincent Fig Demetrios. Vincent?
|
| Vincent (Newswoman)
|
Thanks, Veronica. Viewers will recall that following the fire, the Baudelaires were sent to live with Count Olaf, a villainous actor and an active villain who has vowed repeatedly that he will stop at nothing to get his hands on the enormous fortune the Baudelaire parents left behind.
|
| Veronica (Newsman)
|
Let's hope so, Vincent. Coming up next, some very nice people were poisoned. But first, the weather.
|
| Lemony stands in front of a map of Lake Lachrymose and tosses weather-shaped magnets onto it to accentuate his report.
|
| Lemony Snicket
|
If the story of the Baudelaire orphans were a weather report, there would be hardly any sunshine to be seen. Instead, there would be cloudbursts of unhappiness. Blizzards of despair. Misery in the form of sleet storms. Various cold fronts of terror. Horror. Attacks of allergies. Not to mention the threat of a devastating hurricane lurking just off the map.
|
| EXT. DAMOCLES DOCK
|
| Lemony Snicket
|
If you didn't know about the Baudelaire orphans' unfortunate history and you saw them disembark from the Fickle Ferry and arrive at Damocles Dock, you might think they were bound for an exciting adventure.
|
| Mr. Poe and the Baudelaires stand on Damocles Dock as Mr. Poe attempts to read the sign.
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Here we are, Baudelaires. Deemo...
|
| Lemony Snicket
|
But you would be dead wrong.
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Dimmo...
|
| Lemony Snicket
|
My name is Lemony Snicket.
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Dudy Damo...
|
| Lemony Snicket
|
It's my sad duty...
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Democlay...
|
| Lemony Snicket
|
to tell the tale of the Baudelaires' tragic lives.
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Dimoclath...
|
| Lemony Snicket
|
But you likely have no such responsibilities...
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Dimoclat...
|
| Lemony Snicket
|
And should escape from this sad story...
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Demcaca...
|
| Lemony Snicket
|
before another storm of melancholy engulfs you in dampness and misery.
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Dock.
|
| Violet
|
It's pronounced Damocles.
|
| Klaus
|
After the probably apocryphal figure in Sicilian mythology.
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Well, I don't have time to learn things. The banking day has already begun. In any case, I'm sure you'll be off on some exciting adventure with your new guardian. Remember, you can always rely on us at Mulctuary Money Management.
|
| Mr. Poe hands Klaus his business card.
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Now, if you'll excuse me, I will leave you alone on this mostly deserted dock to await for your taxi to your Aunt Josephine's house.
|
| Violet
|
She's not meeting us here?
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Strangely, she said she'd be unable to come to the dock, and I didn't think it polite to ask why. Perhaps she's planning a surprise party for you children. Which reminds me, I know you've had a frightening and mystifying time with that horrible man, what, um, Count... What's his name? Um...
|
| Violet
|
Olaf.
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Olaf. Who knows where he came from?
|
| Klaus
|
You put us in his care.
|
| Arthur Poe
|
I wouldn't exactly call it care. He's a thief and a murderer, and so far has completely escaped capture. But I have the thing that just might turn things around. Peppermints!
|
| Violet and Klaus exchange a look.
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Delicious peppermints! My second favorite candy when I was a boy. You can eat them in the taxi on the way to meet your dowager aunt.
|
| Violet
|
What's that?
|
| Arthur Poe
|
Oh, Violet, I'm surprised at you. A girl your age should know that a taxi is a car that takes you someplace for a reasonable fee.
|
| Violet sighs. Mr. Poe hands them some folded money.
|
| Arthur Poe
|
And this should just about cover it. Cheers, Baudelaires! [coughing] Good luck.
|
| Mr. Poe continues coughing as he makes his way back to the ferry. The Baudelaires wave goodbye halfheartedly.
|
| Klaus
|
"Dowager" is a fancy word for widow.
|
| Violet
|
(chuckles) Thank you.
|
| Klaus
|
Should we have told him we're allergic to peppermints?
|
| Violet tosses the bag of mints high over her shoulder. It lands in a clown-shaped trash can.
|
| Violet
|
It didn't seem worth mentioning. We have a lot more important things on our minds.
|
| Klaus
|
Like asking Aunt Josephine if she can help explain all the strange and mysterious things that keep happening to us.
|
| Violet
|
And how to get a taxi.
|
| A yellow taxi stops next to them, tires screeching. The driver leans out the window.
|
| Taxi Driver
|
Does anyone need a ride somewhere for a reasonable fee?
|
| A moment later, they drive away in the taxi.
|
| Violet
|
This town doesn't seem very crowded.
|
| Taxi Driver
|
It's the off-season. When the weather's nice, this town is as crowded as can be. But around now, things are as dead as the cat I ran over this morning. Hold on.
|
| The taxi takes a hairpin turn.
|
| Taxi Driver
|
I hope your Aunt Josephine has enough food and supplies when Hurricane Herman arrives. It's supposed to be a doozy. I'm gonna sit it out in a cabin with the works of Herman Melville and a large pot of vegetarian chili.
|
| Klaus
|
I thought hurricanes only occurred near oceans.
|
| Taxi Driver
|
With a body of water as large as Lake Lachrymose, anything can happen.
|
| Sunny giggles.
|
| Taxi Driver
|
You know, what's interesting is the storms in Herman Melville's work are more metaphorical, or even allegorical, rather than the naturalistic style of someone like Thoreau, if you know what I mean. The shore represents our tenuous hold on the earthly nature of mortal existence, and the turbulent waters represent the villainy and troubles in our own lives. Like a threatening rowboat getting closer and closer with each passing moment.
|
| The taxi makes its way toward the house, revealed to be in an extremely precarious position.
|
| EXT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE - ROWBOAT
|
| Count Olaf
|
Ahh, solitude. Blissful contemplation of my inward eye. Only when I am alone can I court the muse and dream up the next step in my... (chuckles) ...glorious scheme.
|
| The camera pulls back to reveal that Olaf's boat is being pulled by another, in which his associates are paddling furiously.
|
| Hook-Handed Man
|
(yelling back to him) And what is the next step, boss?
|
| Bald Man
|
Brute force?
|
| Count Olaf
|
No, no. I need something worthy of this grandiose locale. Something dashing, something romantic. You know, in many ways, I am married to the sea.
|
| Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender
|
This is actually a large lake.
|
| Count Olaf
|
I am married to the sea, but my girlfriend is a large lake.
|
| White-Faced Woman #1
|
Land ho!
|
| White-Faced Woman #2
|
I told you to stop calling me that.
|
