Moxietypewritersquare.png This is a transcribed copy of "The Wide Window: Part Two". Edit or add to this page, but remember all information should come directly from the original source. Any false information will be sent to The Daily Punctilio.
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The following article or section concerns information that is considered canonical to the Netflix series, but it is unknown as to where it stands in the books' canon. It may also contain information contradictory to the books. Be very cautious when using this information as a source, or you may end up reporting for The Daily Punctilio, or on the lam. Whichever you consider worse.

Any additions in regards to dialogue and character actions would be greatly appreciated.


Speaker Dialogue
INT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE - LIBRARY - NIGHT
The Baudelaire children stand at the window of Aunt Josephine's library.
Klaus Baudelaire (reading) "Violet, Klaus and Sunny: By the time you read this note, my life will be at it's end. My heart is as cold as Ike, and I find my life inbearable. I know your children may not understand the sad life of a dowadger, or what would have lead… leadled me to this desperate akt… but please know that I am much happier this way. As my last will and testament, I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham, a kind and honorable men. Please think of me kindly, even though I'd done this terrible thing. Josephine Anwhistle."
Violet Baudelaire It can't be.
EXT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE - THE FUTURE
Lemony Snicket Can't be. When you lose someone important to you, "it can't be" are often the words that run through your saddened head. It can't be that I've lost someone so important. It can't be that I will never see them again. It can't be, it can't be… it can't be. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my job to report the history of the Baudelaire orphans, but it can't be that you have nothing better to do. The Baudelaires believed, incorrectly, that they would never see their Aunt Josephine again, but it can't be that you are interested in watching them suffer as her last words echo again and again throughout her empty and doomed house. (pause) It can't be.
INT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE
Violet reads Aunt Josephine's note to someone on the telephone.
Violet Baudelaire "As my last will and testament, I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham, a kind and honorable men. Please think of me kindly even though I'd done this terrible thing." (cheerily) Yes, yes. I understand. I'll tell them. Of course, I'll tell them. I promise I'll tell them. Goodbye.
Violet hangs up.
Violet Baudelaire (gloomily) Mr. Poe says we can always rely on Mulctuary Money Management.
Klaus Baudelaire I just can't believe it.
Violet Baudelaire It's all there in ink and shaky handwriting. Aunt Josephine is dead and she's left us in the care of Count Olaf.
Klaus Baudelaire It's not right. There's something funny about this note.
Violet Baudelaire There's nothing funny about a woman throwing herself out a window.
Klaus Baudelaire Not funny as in a funny joke. Funny as in a funny… smell. Let me show you.
He leads her to the library and turns on a lamp.
Klaus Baudelaire In the very first sentence, she says, "My life will be at it's end."
Violet Baudelaire And now it is.
Klaus Baudelaire That's not what I mean. She says "it's," I-T-apostrophe-S, meaning "it is." She means I-T-S. That's a sizable grammatical error.
Violet Baudelaire Who cares about grammatical errors when she jumped out a window?
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine would've cared. She said grammar was the greatest joy in life.
Violet Baudelaire That's not enough. No matter how much she liked grammar, she says she found her life unbearable.
Klaus Baudelaire That's another error. She didn't say she found her life unbearable, with a U. She said she found her life inbearable, with an I. That's not a word.
Violet Baudelaire Our situation isn't inbearable. It's unbearable. Aunt Josephine left us in the care of Captain Sham, and I don't know what we can do about it.
Klaus Baudelaire I wish we'd never read Mr. Poe that note. Then we could've torn it up and forged a new one in her handwriting that didn't mention… Captain Sham.
Violet Baudelaire Wouldn't it be difficult to imitate her handwriting?
Klaus Baudelaire Maybe it's not her handwriting at all.
Sunny Baudelaire Olaf.
Klaus and Violet look at each other, and then out through the window to Lake Lachrymose.
INT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE - LIBRARY - DAY
Mr. Poe emerges from a coughing fit.
Arthur Poe Forgery? That's a very serious charge.
Violet Baudelaire Not as serious as murder.
Klaus Baudelaire Which is what Count Olaf did. He murdered Aunt Josephine and forged a note.
Arthur Poe Again with Count Olaf. I must say, other than a gaping, middle-aged woman-shaped hole in the window, I can see no sign of a struggle or a break-in.
Violet Baudelaire We told you. Count Olaf didn't have to break into Aunt Josephine's house.
Klaus Baudelaire He was in disguise and Aunt Josephine fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
Arthur Poe Please, there's no time for fishing jokes. There's a very simple way to tell who wrote this note. We simply have to compare it to your Aunt Josephine's handwriting.
Klaus Baudelaire That's… actually an excellent idea.
Arthur Poe You are very intelligent children, but even the most intelligent people sometimes need the help of a banker.
Violet sets Sunny down on the kitchen table, and grabs the shopping list from Aunt Josephine's bag.
Violet Baudelaire Wait right here.
Violet returns to the group with the list. They've relocated to the dining room.
Violet Baudelaire Here's Aunt Josephine's shopping list. We can use this to compare.
Arthur Poe Oh, look here. Look at the V in "Several gallons of Vinegar," and how it matches the V in "Violet" she wrote in the note. And look at the C in "Cold Soup Ingredients," and how it matches the C in "Captain Sham." And look where she writes "I think shopping is terribly dangerous" and how it matches "think of me kindly, even though I'd done this terrible thing."
Klaus Baudelaire It should be "I've done this terrible thing."
Arthur Poe Yes, it is a terrible thing, and I'm sure it's very upsetting to read. But once and for all, we can see the note is not a forgery.
Violet Baudelaire You're right.
Arthur Poe But why would this Captain Sham person go through so much trouble just to place you under his care?
Klaus Baudelaire We've already told you, Captain Sham is Count Olaf in disguise.
Arthur Poe Now then, I know you three have had some terrible experiences, but you mustn't start letting your imaginations get the best of you. Remember when you were staying with Uncle Monty? You were convinced that his assistant, Stephano, was actually Count Olaf in disguise.
Violet Baudelaire Stephano was actually Count Olaf in disguise.
Arthur Poe Not the point. The point is that you can't just start jumping to conclusions. You've jumped to the conclusion that this note was a forgery, and now you're jumping to the conclusion that a villainous man who swore he'd stop at nothing until he got ahold of your parents' enormous fortune is involved in some plot to get ahold of your parents' enormous fortune.
Klaus Baudelaire You don't have to believe us. See for yourself. His troupe has been camped outside all night keeping an eye on us.
Klaus leads Mr. Poe to the window, and Mr. Poe looks outside. The only car is his own.
Arthur Poe Ah, I see an approaching hurricane, but no theatrical troupe.
Sunny Baudelaire Awkward.
Arthur Poe It's like I said, Baudelaires. You're letting your imagination get the best of you.
Klaus looks outside to confirm.
Arthur Poe Imagination's all well and good for children's books or digital entertainment, but this is real life.
Violet Baudelaire Mr. Poe, you have to believe us when we tell you that Captain Sham is really Count Olaf.
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine's note might not have been forged, but there's something suspicious going on. It's full of grammatical errors.
Arthur Poe Children, disguises and grammatical errors, these are dire accusations, but they're easily investigated. We can settle the whole matter over brunch.
Violet Baudelaire Brunch?
Arthur Poe Yes, it's a word for the combination of breakfast and lunch.
Klaus Baudelaire We know what brunch means.
Arthur Poe Oh, good, then you'll have an easy time with the menu. Captain Sham's invited us all to a restaurant to talk this over.
Violet Baudelaire You've already spoken with Captain Sham?
Arthur Poe Yes, by some strange coincidence, he called me accidentally, trying to reach a knife store to buy a surprise for some children he knows. He was shocked to hear about Josephine's death, but overjoyed at the prospect of raising you children. What sailor wouldn't be?
Violet Baudelaire We're not going to brunch with that villain.
Klaus Baudelaire We'll stay here and examine the note.
Arthur Poe Oh, no, no, Baudelaires. I want to settle this matter once and for all. They tell me Hurricane Herman is going to be so enormous and menacing it'll most likely shut down all electric power in the city. So I want to settle this quickly, put you in the hands of a sailor I just met on the phone, before returning safe and sound to the city. (coughs)
INT./EXT. POE'S CAR
Arthur Poe Children, I promise to investigate this man Captain Sham to the fullest extent of my ability as a banker. If he's in disguise as you claim, the eyes of Poe will catch it immediately.
Sunny Baudelaire You missed the turn.
Klaus and Violet look at each other dubiously.
EXT. A ROAD
Lemony steps out to narrate as Mr. Poe's car continues past him, missing the hairpin turn toward the town.
Lemony Snicket You probably know of a plant called the Venus flytrap which grows in the tropics and in the apartments of certain lonely people.
Lemony removes his hat to use it as a visual aid.
Lemony Snicket The top of the plant is shaped like an open mouth with toothlike spines around the edges. When a fly attracted to the smell of the flower lands on the Venus flytrap, the mouth of the plant begins to close, trapping the terrified fly who slowly, slowly, slowly… dissolves into nothing. As Violet, Klaus and Sunny arrived at their brunch with Count Olaf, a few minutes late because Mr. Poe missed the turn…
Mr. Poe's car reappears, going the right way.
Lemony Snicket …they felt as helpless as a fly as Count Olaf's evil scheme closed around them. Sadly, they would not learn for a long time that someone was there, desperately trying to help them.
INT. ANXIOUS CLOWN
Larry Your-Waiter Uh, hello, I'm Larry, your waiter. Welcome to the Anxious Clown Restaurant, where everybody has a good time whether they like it or not. I can see we have a whole family lunching together, so allow me to recommend the Extra Fun Special Family Appetizer. It's a bunch of things fried up together and served with a sauce.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Well, that sounds wonderful! Extra Special Family Fun Appetizer for an extra special family. Mine.
Violet Baudelaire I'll just have a glass of water, thank you.
Klaus Baudelaire Same for me. And a glass of ice cubes for my baby sister, please.
Arthur Poe I'll have a cup of coffee with nondairy creamer, please.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Oh, no, Poe. Let's, uh, share a nice bottle of red wine.
Arthur Poe (chuckling) Oh, no, thanks, Captain Sham. I don't drink during banking hours.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Yeah, but it's a celebratory brunch. We should drink a toast. After all, it's not every day that a man becomes a father of three children.
Arthur Poe Please, Sham. It's heartening to know that you're glad to raise the children, but you must understand, the children lost their Aunt Josephine. They're rather upset.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I'm upset, too. I'm… I'm probably more upset. Josephine was my, uh… (voice breaking) uh… Josephine was my oldest and dearest friend. Thank you.
Mr. Poe hands him a handkerchief.
Klaus Baudelaire You met her yesterday at the town market and petting zoo.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) It really does seem like yesterday, but actually it was many years ago. She and I met at cooking school. We were oven partners in the Advanced Baking Course.
Violet Baudelaire You weren't oven partners. Aunt Josephine was desperately afraid of turning on an oven.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Soon we became fast friends, and then one day she said to me, "If I ever adopt some orphans and then meet an untimely death, promise me that you will raise them as if they were your own." Of course, I agreed, but I had no idea I would (voice breaking) have to keep that promise.
Larry Your-Waiter Josephine is dead?
A thunderclap.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Yes. Josephine Anwhistle jumped out of the window of her own home late last night. Didn't you hear?
Larry Your-Waiter I didn't realize this was a sad occasion. In that case, allow me to recommend the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers. The pickles, mustard and ketchup make a little smiley face on top of the burger, which is guaranteed to get ya smilin', too. So make sure (to the children, pointedly) you look inside before you eat it.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Well, that's a wonderful idea. Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers for everyone, Larry!
He motions for Larry to leave.
Arthur Poe Odd service, here.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) It's the off-season.
Arthur Poe Ah.
INT. ANXIOUS CLOWN - KITCHEN
Larry enters the kitchen. All of Olaf's associates are standing there.
Hook-Handed Man Nice performance out there. Stick to the script and we won't throw you to the leeches.
White-Faced Woman #2 Yeah, no funny business, clown.
Larry Your-Waiter It's Larry. I told you my name is Larry.
Hook-Handed Man We don't care what your name is.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender Or what gender you are.
Bald Man Or whether that hair is real.
Larry Your-Waiter It's a clown wig.
Larry begins making burgers.
Hook-Handed Man We don't care!
White-Faced Woman #2 All we care about is making sure you don't blow this for the boss.
White-Faced Woman #1 So if you want to make it out of here…
White-Faced Woman #2 Alive.
Hook-Handed Man With both hands.
White-Faced Woman #1 You better do exactly what we say.
White-Faced Woman #2 You're gonna fix a nice lunch for everybody.
White-Faced Woman #1 With no tricks.
White-Faced Woman #2 No knockout drugs.
White-Faced Woman #1 No poison.
White-Faced Woman #2 And no secret messages written in…
White-Faced Woman #1 Ketchup.
White-Faced Woman #2 Mustard.
White-Faced Woman #1 Or wasabi mayo.
White-Faced Women (together) in the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers!
Larry Your-Waiter You'll never defeat us. You can surround us. You can throw us out of windows. You can threaten us and make us cook for you—
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender Sorry to interrupt, but what's the soup of the day?
Everyone looks at the Henchperson.
INT. ANXIOUS CLOWN - DINING AREA
Arthur Poe I want to emphasize straightaway that the Baudelaire fortune will still be under my supervision until Violet comes of age.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) What fortune? I don't know about any fortune.
Sunny Baudelaire Sham!
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (hisses)
Arthur Poe The Baudelaire parents, uh, have left behind an enormous fortune that the children will inherit when Violet comes of age.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Oh, I have no interest in a fortune. I've got my sailboats.
Sunny Baudelaire Ugh!
Violet Baudelaire Mr. Poe, Sunny's right. Surely you can finally see that this man—
Larry enters with a tray.
Larry Your-Waiter Beverages! Coffee for the gentleman.
Arthur Poe Thank you.
Larry Your-Waiter A Fuzzy Navel for the sailor.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) What?
Larry Your-Waiter A gift from someone in the kitchen. And water and ice for the Baudelaires.
Violet Baudelaire You know our names?
Larry Your-Waiter (quickly) Of course I don't know your names!
He forces a grin and exits in a hurry. Olaf takes a sip of his drink and nods appreciatively.
Arthur Poe I've completely forgotten what we were saying. Don't you hate that?
Klaus Baudelaire We were saying that is Count Olaf.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) What, the waiter? He did seem odd.
Violet Baudelaire No, not the waiter. You! You've done something terrible to Aunt Josephine and you're scheming to get our fortune.
Arthur Poe (scoffs) Why would Captain Sham do something terrible to his closest friend?
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Good point, Poe.
Klaus Baudelaire He isn't Captain Sham.
Klaus and Violet Baudelaire He's Count Olaf!
Mr. Poe has an extended coughing fit.
Arthur Poe Baudelaires, I've been more than patient with you. I understand that losing your parents and your home has had an emotional effect, as I imagine it would have on many people. I've done the best I can to find a suitable home for you, but nothing I do seems to be good enough. And now, faced with a perfectly legal last will and testament that will place you in the care of a sailor you met yesterday, you start to spout these wild, McCarthyesque accusations.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) What he said.
Arthur Poe But if you insist… I will prove to you that Captain Sham and Count Olaf are two completely different people, step by step, as if you were babies.
Sunny Baudelaire That's offensive.
Larry enters with another tray.
Larry Your-Waiter Here are your Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers!
Arthur Poe Count Olaf has one long eyebrow.
Larry Your-Waiter I meant to ask…
Arthur Poe While Captain Sham has one eyepatch.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) During damp weather, I can hardly wink.
Larry Your-Waiter if any of you had any food allergies…
Arthur Poe Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle.
Larry Your-Waiter so I might've informed the chef…
Arthur Poe While Captain Sham has half a broomstick where his left ankle should've been.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) We prefer the term "peg leg."
Larry Your-Waiter who certainly would not want anyone to have an allergic reaction…
Arthur Poe Count Olaf would have only just met Aunt Josephine…
Larry Your-Waiter that would force them to leave the restaurant.
Arthur Poe while Captain Sham has known her for many years.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Along with her husband, what's-his-name.
Arthur Poe Count Olaf is a murderous man who's only interested in your parents' money, while Captain Sham has expressed great interest in raising you children without touching a single penny.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) We'll see.
Violet Baudelaire We're allergic to peppermints.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) What? We'll see. Get me another navel!
Arthur Poe So, can we all agree that Captain Sham has none of the hallmarks, earmarks or benchmarks of Count Olaf?
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Agreed.
Violet Baudelaire If we could just go back to Aunt Josephine's house.
Klaus Baudelaire There's something strange about that note.
Arthur Poe We've already been over the note, Baudelaires. It's not a forgery. And the grammatical mistakes are merely the nervousness of any woman who was about to throw herself out a window.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Hear, hear.
Olaf rolls his eyes.
Arthur Poe Now, Captain Sham, I have some papers in my briefcase that I need you to sign. (clears throat)
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) And then the children will be mine?
Arthur Poe (chuckles) You'll be caring for them, yes.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) And there's nothing in the world that can stop me?
Arthur Poe Well, that… (chuckles) A peculiar way of saying it, but, yes.
Larry Your-Waiter I brought the bill. Take your time. I'm sure none of you are in any particular hurry.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (loudly) The banker's buying.
Arthur Poe Oh, oh! (chuckles) Well, okay, that… that's fine.
Klaus removes the peppermints from the tray with the check.
Arthur Poe Uh, Sham, I need to have a few words with you about the children's education.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Oh, I've always been a big supporter of the school voucher system.
Arthur Poe Have you indeed? Tell me more.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Yeah.
Lemony Snicket Everyone is allergic to something. Whether it is gluten, injustice, dark chocolate, corruption, pollen… or common decency.
Lemony leads the camera to the kitchen. Count Olaf's associates are all eating.
Hook-Handed Man And you'll do all the dishes.
Olaf's associates all laugh. The Hook-Handed Man shushes them. Lemony walks back to the dining room.
Lemony Snicket The Baudelaire orphans were allergic to peppermint. Their allergies were notoriously quick-acting and powerful. Of course, if you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.
Lemony ducks below the table.
Lemony Snicket But Violet, Klaus and Sunny knew that this was an emergency.
Klaus passes peppermints to Violet, who passes one to Sunny.
Lemony Snicket The strange message they had received seemed to indicate there was more for the Baudelaires to investigate, but not until after they got away from Count Olaf and his miserable lunch. So while Mr. Poe began to tell a very boring story…
Arthur Poe That reminds me of a time I bought a carton of milk. Well, the clerk asked me what kind of milk…
Lemony Snicket the children unwrapped their peppermints… and placed them into their mouths.
They eat the peppermints.
Arthur Poe …almond milk, whole milk. And so I said, "Low fat, please." And then the clerk leads me to the dairy section where the milk is kept, and then he said to me, proud as can be…
Mr. Poe looks to the Baudelaires, who already are breaking out in hives.
Arthur Poe You look terrible!
Violet Baudelaire We're having allergic reactions.
Klaus Baudelaire I feel… (lisping) I feel quite terrible.
Sunny Baudelaire As do I.
Arthur Poe Goodness gracious, Violet, you have huge, ugly, red patches on your skin. Klaus, your tongue is swelling. Sunny, both things are happening to you.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I'm sure it's nothing.
Arthur Poe Nothing? Violet has a hive on her face the size of a hard-boiled egg.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) They just need to take some deep breaths.
Violet Baudelaire I think we should go home and rest.
Arthur Poe An excellent idea.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Poe, it's in the middle of brunch. Just lean back in your seat.
Arthur Poe Captain Sham, the children are quite ill. Let's pay the bill and take the children home.
Violet Baudelaire No, no. We can go home by ourselves.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I wouldn't dream of leaving you alone.
Arthur Poe (sighs) Well, there is the matter of the paperwork to go over to make the, uh, adoption official, and, frankly, I would like to take advantage of the Fickle Ferry's, uh, prehurricane special reduced ticket prices.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (sighs)
Violet Baudelaire Yes, finish the paperwork and have a relaxing lunch. Captain Sham can come fetch us at Aunt Josephine's house.
She stands and picks up Sunny.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I'll see you very soon.
EXT. ANXIOUS CLOWN
Thunder crashes.
Man (possibly Fish Head Salesperson) Save the fish heads!
Man Storm's comin'!
Klaus Baudelaire (lisping indistinctly)
Violet Baudelaire I can't understand what you're saying, but I assume that you think we ought to decode Aunt Josephine's note before Count Olaf and Mr. Poe finish the paperwork.
Klaus looks impressed by her comprehension.
Violet Baudelaire But how are we gonna get all the way back up to Aunt Josephine's house?
Taxi Driver Does anybody need a ride someplace for a reasonable fee?
EXT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE
Taxi Driver Believe me, I've had this conversation a million times.
The Baudelaires exit the taxi as the driver holds open the door.
Taxi Driver If you look at the white whale in terms of postcolonialism—
Violet Baudelaire Thank you, sir.
Violet hands him some bills.
Taxi Driver Call me Ishmael.
He gets in the taxi. The Kaudelaires walk to the house.
Violet Baudelaire We don't have much time before Hurricane Herman arrives.
Klaus Baudelaire (lisping) The library.
Violet Baudelaire Good idea. The library.
They enter as the taxi departs.
INT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE
Klaus Baudelaire (lisping indistinctly) You and Sunny take baths — soda baths — to treat your hives, and I'll get to work on my research.
Sunny Baudelaire Whuh?
Violet Baudelaire Got it. Sunny and I will take baking soda baths to treat our hives, while you begin your research.
Klaus Baudelaire (lisping) Exactly. Nouns and verbs.
He holds up COMPLETE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF NOUNS and EXPLICITLY ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF VERBS
INT. ANXIOUS CLOWN - DINING ROOM
Arthur Poe And those moneys are locked into the tuition fund.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) So the tuition fund cannot be spent, for example, on a pair of diamond cufflinks?
Mr. Poe looks at Captain Sham.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Just asking.
INT. ANXIOUS CLOWN - KITCHEN
Larry sits, guarded by the Henchperson.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender All you do is sauté garlic and onions in a pot, then add onions, capers, anchovies, diced parsley and tomatoes—
The Hook-Handed Man enters.
Hook-Handed Man Stop being friendly to him!
The wall phone rings. Larry walks over to it and picks it up.
Larry Your-Waiter Anxious Clown Restaurant. This is Larry, your waiter. … Alive? Where? … Peru? … (softly) Secure for the moment, but you need to know—
The Hook-Handed Man rips the earpiece from Larry's hand.
Hook-Handed Man Who is this?
He looks into the mouthpiece, then puts his ear to it, then fumbles with the cord to bring the earpiece up. He speaks into it:
Hook-Handed Man Hello? … Hello? … How does it work? Hello?
EXT. AN AIRPLANE
"Father" puts down a radio handset.
"Father" The restaurant's been compromised.
"Mother" We can't wait for the weather to clear. It's gonna take more than a hurricane to keep us from our children.
"Father" Hurricane?
"Mother" Buckle up, darling. It's gonna be a bumpy flight.
INT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE - LIBRARY
Violet walks in, holding Sunny. Klaus works on Aunt Josephine's note.
Violet Baudelaire You were right, Klaus. A baking soda bath did wonders for our hives.
Sunny Baudelaire And it's relaxing.
Violet Baudelaire How's your swollen tongue? And how's your research?
Klaus Baudelaire (lisping, slightly less) My tongue is improving. As for my research, see for yourselves.
Violet Baudelaire What is all this?
Klaus Baudelaire It's Aunt Josephine's note. Look, I-T-apostrophe-S.
Violet Baudelaire I remember. Aunt Josephine wrote "it's" as in "it is," when she meant "its" as in "belonging to it."
Klaus Baudelaire That was just to get our attention. But look at the second sentence.
Violet Baudelaire "My heart is as cold as Ike." But Aunt Josephine said she liked to think of her husband someplace hot. "As cold as ice" would make a lot more sense.
Klaus Baudelaire Exactly! Unless these aren't grammatical mistakes at all.
Violet Baudelaire They're a message. Aunt Josephine said she and Ike developed secret codes. C for "ice" instead of "Ike." U for "unbearable" instead of "inbearable." R-D…
Klaus Baudelaire L-E-D.
Violet Baudelaire (gasps) Curdled Cave.
Klaus Baudelaire That's where I got, too. But why would her last words be about some cave?
Violet Baudelaire Maybe they're not her last words. What if she only wants people to think that she's dead? People who don't care about grammatical errors.
Klaus Baudelaire Like Count Olaf.
Violet Baudelaire Exactly. What if she's alive and wants us to know where she's hiding?
Violet and Klaus Baudelaire Curdled Cave.
They rush over to the wall maps and pull down the one of Lake Lachrymose.
Violet Baudelaire We have to find her.
Klaus Baudelaire How are we gonna get to the Curdled Cave?
Violet Baudelaire Look at the dotted line. It looks like the Fickle Ferry goes to the Lavender Lighthouse, which is right next to the cave.
Klaus Baudelaire I saw the schedule when we arrived at Damocles Dock. The Fickle Ferry leaves every 17 minutes.
Violet Baudelaire Let's gather everything we might need.
A bolt of lightning strikes the house, and the library detaches.
Violet Baudelaire Klaus!
Klaus falls on a rug and begins sliding toward the hole in the window. Violet hangs on to the wall map as gravity is suddenly pointing a different direction. Sunny holds onto the doorknob with her teeth. Papers and furniture fall out of the window. The safe opens and spills its contents. The map Violet is holding onto begins to tear. A page from The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations is briefly visible, depicting the Spyglass. Klaus's rug stops sliding as he reaches the window. The Incomplete History flies outside. The library miraculously swings back into place for a moment, allowing Violet and Sunny to reach the relative safety of the house. Klaus runs for the doorway, but the library swings back down again, knocking him to the floor and sending him flying.
Violet Baudelaire Klaus!
Klaus slides all the way back to the window but manages to stop. He stares at a photo pressed against the glass, of various people standing in Paltryville in front of the Lucky Smells Lumbermill. He grabs it and almost stands up, until the library shifts again and he falls through the window, dangling from the rug which is caught on the glass.
Violet Baudelaire Klaus!
He stares down at the foaming water below, scared. The library swings in just the right way that he manages to vault back through the window and reach his siblings.
INT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE
A tremor knocks a lime out of its paper bag. It knocks over a house of cards, rolls along the floor, past the children's feet, and stops at the window. It seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back, as the library begins to tear apart even more. The Baudelaires run and leave the house's front door. The entire house falls off the cliff with a giant splash, and there's a flash of lightning.
INT. ANXIOUS CLOWN - DINING ROOM
Arthur Poe And, finally, there is still the matter of Aunt Josephine's house to take care of.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (sighs) Right.
Arthur Poe Those forms need to be filled out in quintuplicate.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (sighs)
Arthur Poe Mmm!
Mr. Poe reaches into his briefcase and rummages around.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (sighs)
Arthur Poe And then we can treat ourselves to my second favorite candy when I was a boy: peppermints.
INT. TV STUDIO
Lemony stands at the Lake Lachrymose weather map, gesturing with a pointer.
Lemony Snicket During tourist season at Lake Lachrymose, the Fickle Ferry brings visitors from all over the world to enjoy sunshine… fresh air… smoked mackerel. Mmm.
He accentuates his points with magnetic symbols tossed at the map.
Lemony Snicket The ferry leaves every 17 minutes to the Lavender Lighthouse, where tourists can walk to Curdled Cave or they could bask in the lighthouse's pale purple glow. But that's only when the weather is warm. During the off-season, Lake Lachrymose has very few visitors, which is why the ferry company has added two words to the bottom of their schedule in fine print, a phrase which here means "you might miss reading it until it was too late."
EXT. DAMOCLES DOCK
The Baudelaires stand at the dock, drenched in rain.
Klaus Baudelaire "Weather permitting."
Violet Baudelaire What does that mean?
Klaus Baudelaire It means the Fickle Ferry isn't running at all.
Violet Baudelaire Then how are we gonna get to Curdled Cave?
They see Captain Sham's Sailboat Rentals, with three sailboats tied up.
Sunny Baudelaire Pirate style.
INT. TV STUDIO
Lemony Snicket There is also fine print attached to this sad tale. A number of concerned people are worried that if you watch the Baudelaire orphans steal a sailboat and sail across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of Hurricane Herman…
EXT. DAMOCLES DOCK
Klaus Baudelaire We're gonna steal a sailboat, sail across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of Hurricane Herman.
INT. TV STUDIO
Lemony Snicket …you might be tempted to do such a thing yourself.
EXT. DAMOCLES DOCK
Violet grabs some raincoats.
Violet Baudelaire We're stealing these, too.
INT. TV STUDIO
Lemony Snicket So allow me to offer you a piece of advice, even though I don't know anything about you.
EXT. DAMOCLES DOCK
Klaus sets Sunny down in the boat.
INT. TV STUDIO
Lemony Snicket Do not take a sailboat that does not belong to you.
EXT. DAMOCLES DOCK
Violet Baudelaire We're just borrowing it. We'll bring it back. And nobody will even know what we're doing.
The Hook-Handed Man glares out of the window of the sailboat rental building.
INT. TV STUDIO
Lemony Snicket And do not attempt to sail that sailboat during a hurricane.
EXT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE
The boat crashes through the storm, as a giant wave carries them forward.
INT. TV STUDIO
Lemony Snicket Especially if, like the Baudelaires, you only have a vague idea of how a sailboat works.
EXT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE
Klaus begins putting up the sail, shouting over the wind.
Klaus Baudelaire I've read some aquatic literature. All we've got to do is use the sail to catch the wind.
Violet Baudelaire I've seen this lever in naval blueprints. It's called the tiller. It steers the ship.
Klaus Baudelaire Now all we have to do is sail across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of a hurricane.
INT. TV STUDIO
Lemony tosses up a magnet that says "CHANCE OF SURVIVAL - ZERO"
Lemony Snicket Sailing across Lake Lachrymose in a hurricane offers a plethora of challenges. "Plethora" is a word which here means "too many to list," but I will try. Your boat might be tossed into the Wicked Whirlpool
EXT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE
Violet Baudelaire Mind the whirlpool!
Violet ducks to avoid the swinging boom.
INT. TV STUDIO
Lemony Snicket …or dashed to bits on the Rancorous Rocks.
EXT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE
Klaus Baudelaire Watch out for the rocks!
INT. TV STUDIO
Lemony Snicket And even if you were lucky enough to spy the faint purple beam of the Lavender Lighthouse…
EXT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE
There is a purple light. Sunny turns her head and smiles excitedly.
Sunny Baudelaire Look!
Violet Baudelaire It's the Lavender Lighthouse.
INT. TV STUDIO
Lemony Snicket …it would be an outright miracle if your boat were not destroyed at the craggy entrance of Curdled Cave. Fortunately, the Baudelaires were about to learn what any local weatherperson can tell you. All storms eventually break. Even Hurricane Herman.
EXT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE - NIGHT
The Baudelaires sit in their boat on calm waters.
Klaus Baudelaire (sighs) Lake Lachrymose is actually very pretty. I never noticed it before.
Violet Baudelaire I guess we got used to looking at it through Aunt Josephine's eyes.
The boat arrives at a cave, with a sign:
FOR SALE
LACHRYMOSE REAL ESTATE & DEVELOPMENT GROUP
Klaus Baudelaire Curdled Cave is for sale.
Violet Baudelaire Who would want to live in such a phantasmagorical place?
A moaning sound.
Violet Baudelaire What is that sound?
Klaus Baudelaire Just the wind… probably. I read somewhere that when wind passes through small spaces, like caves, it can make strange noises. It's nothing to be afraid of.
Violet Baudelaire I'm afraid of it anyway.
Klaus Baudelaire Me, too.
Sunny Baudelaire Man up.
INT. CURDLED CAVE
The Baudelaires tentatively walk into the cave, as the wailing sounds grow louder. They pass a pink jet ski. Suddenly they spy Aunt Josephine on the ground and rush inside to meet her.
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine? Are you…
Aunt Josephine screams in surprise and Klaus backs up, surprised in turn.
Klaus Baudelaire okay…?
Josephine Anwhistle You figured it out! I knew you could figure it out. I knew you would decode my message.
Violet Baudelaire Klaus really did it.
Klaus Baudelaire But Violet knew how to work the sailboat. Without Violet, we never would've made it here.
Violet Baudelaire Sunny spotted the lighthouse.
Josephine Anwhistle Well, I am so glad to see all of you. (panting) Just let me catch my breath and I'll help you bring in your things.
Violet Baudelaire What things?
Josephine Anwhistle Your luggage, of course. I hope you brought food. I'm out.
Violet and Klaus exchange a look.
Klaus Baudelaire We didn't bring any food.
Josephine Anwhistle No food? How in the world did you expect to live with me in this cave if you didn't bring any food?
Violet Baudelaire We didn't come here to live with you.
Josephine Anwhistle Then why did you come?
Sunny Baudelaire Here we go again.
Josephine Anwhistle Whatever word that was, Sunny, it was grammatically incorrect. But maybe one of your siblings will explain in correct English why you're here.
Violet Baudelaire Because Captain Sham almost had us in his clutches. Everyone thought you were dead, and in your will and testament, you wrote that we should be placed in the care of Captain Sham.
Josephine Anwhistle He forced me to do that.
FLASHBACK - FRIED EGG
Josephine eats a bite of egg seductively.
Josephine Anwhistle (O.S.) We were only halfway through our fried-egg sandwiches…
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (under voiceover) Sexy.
Josephine Anwhistle …when Captain Sham told me that he was really… Count Olaf.
Olaf mouths the words with Josephine's voiceover. He lifts his eyepatch and chuckles. He eats the egg from Josephine's plate, chuckling.
Josephine Anwhistle (O.S.) He said I had to write out a will saying you children would be left in his care, or he would drown me in the lake. I was so frightened that I agreed immediately, but hid a secret message I hoped you children would find.
Josephine writes her note, adding an apostrophe to "its".
FLASHBACK - EXT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE
Olaf shoves Josephine through the front door of her house. Inside, Olaf checks his face in a mirror, as Josephine hurries to the library and closes the door.
Josephine Anwhistle Of course, then I knew my life was truly in danger. I waited for my opportunity…
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (sighs, mutters) Come on.
He hobbles toward the library.
Inside, Josephine places her note and leaves a book to weight it down.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Heeeeere's Shammy![1]
Josephine grabs the statue of herself swordfighting and throws it out the window, creating the shape seen earlier.
Josephine Anwhistle (O.S.) And faked my own death.
Josephine jumps out of the window, screaming. Olaf enters and surveys the scene, confused.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Well, that… worked out.
He lights his pipe and leaves.
Below the window, Josephine climbs down the cliff face.
Josephine Anwhistle (O.S.) It's a good thing I remembered to put gas in my recreational watercraft.
She hops on the jet ski and drives away.
Inside, Olaf leaves, and shuts the door just as the Baudelaires run down the stairs to see what caused the sound of breaking glass.
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine?
Violet Baudelaire Aunt Josephine?
INT. CURDLED CAVE
Violet Baudelaire Why didn't you take us with you? Why did you leave us all alone by ourselves? Why didn't you protect us from Count Olaf?
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, Violet… it is not grammatically correct to say "leave us all alone by ourselves." You can say "leave us all alone," or "leave us by ourselves," but not both. Do you understand?
Sunny Baudelaire She's loony.
Josephine Anwhistle That didn't sound grammatical either, but we'll say no more about it. We have all had a very trying day, but I don't think Captain Sham will ever find us here. We can share Curdled Cave for the rest of our lives.
Violet Baudelaire We're not staying here. We're taking the sailboat back to the town, and we're taking you with us.
Josephine Anwhistle (stammers) No way, José. I am too frightened of Count Olaf to face him.
Klaus Baudelaire But if you tell Mr. Poe what happened, then Count Olaf will be locked away and we'll be safe, all of us.
Josephine Anwhistle You can tell him that if you want. I am staying here.
Violet Baudelaire He won't believe us unless you come along and prove you're alive.
Josephine Anwhistle No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! I am too afraid.
Violet Baudelaire We're all afraid. We were afraid when you brought home Count Olaf. We were afraid when we thought you had jumped out a window. We were afraid to give ourselves allergic reactions, we were afraid to steal a sailboat, and we were afraid to make our way across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of a hurricane. But that didn't stop us!
Josephine Anwhistle I can't help it if you are braver than I am. I can't do it. I am going to live here for the rest of my life, and there is nothing you can say that will change my mind.
Klaus wipes his glasses with his fingers.
Klaus Baudelaire You know Curdled Cave is for sale.
Josephine Anwhistle So what?
Klaus Baudelaire Well, that just means that before long, certain people are going to want to look at it. And some of those people… (whispers) will be real estate agents.
Josephine Anwhistle Okay, let's go.
They exit the cave. The camera shows a banana peel on the ground.
EXT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE
Josephine Anwhistle Uh-oh. … Uh-oh. … Uh-oh.
Violet Baudelaire Aunt Josephine, I really do wish you'd stop saying that. Hurricane Herman is over, the sailboat is working perfectly and we'll be back to Damocles Dock by morning. We're as safe as can possibly be expected.
Klaus Baudelaire Maybe… maybe you could think back to a time when you were a little more fierce and formidable.
He pulls out the photo from Paltryville.
Josephine Anwhistle (gasps) Where did you find this?
Klaus Baudelaire In the library.
Josephine Anwhistle I haven't seen this photograph in years. Lucky Smells Lumbermill. Ah, it's not far from here. Oh, look at Ike. Look how handsome he looks in that hat. (chuckles) Oh, and look at Monty!
Klaus Baudelaire And our parents.
Josephine Anwhistle Yes. And your parents. Such brave and noble people. (sighs) Oh, how I miss them.
Klaus Baudelaire We miss them, too. But we have questions about them. They never told us about you. They never told us about Uncle Monty. I have a feeling there's lots of things they never told us about.
Josephine Anwhistle Your parents, Baudelaires, wanted to raise you in a quiet world, far away from the fiery injustices that were threatening all of us. They were trying to keep you safe.
Klaus Baudelaire It didn't work.
Josephine Anwhistle No. No, it didn't. Not long after this photograph was taken, your parents and I had to make a vastly frightening decision. I remember that day so well, Klaus. Your mother had just wrestled one of our enemies to the ground, when she turned to me and said…
She glances at the water.
Josephine Anwhistle Uh-oh.
Klaus Baudelaire What?
Josephine Anwhistle Uh-oh. And I mean it this time.
Violet Baudelaire What's wrong?
Josephine Anwhistle We are now entering the territory of the Lachrymose Leeches. Oh, my poor Ike! He always loved shredded beef tamales, and they ended up sealing his doom.
Violet Baudelaire I'm sure we'll be all right. You said that the leeches were usually harmless.
Josephine Anwhistle Unless you have recently eaten.
Klaus Baudelaire We haven't eaten anything since those peppermints at the Anxious Clown. That was brunch, and it's almost morning now.
Violet Baudelaire You didn't eat anything recently, did you, Aunt Josephine?
A pause.
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine?
Josephine Anwhistle Banana. I ate a banana just before you arrived. (burps)
Violet Baudelaire Uh-oh. (sighs)
Klaus Baudelaire I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. Leeches are very small animals. If we were in the water, we might have reason to fear, but I doubt they'd attack a sailboat. Hurricane Herman might have even scared them out of the territory.
Klaus looks at the water.
Klaus Baudelaire Uh-oh. (scared chuckle)
A frothing patch of water speeds toward their boat, and the swarm of leeches hits it with a bang. After a moment they begin to swim away.
Violet Baudelaire You see? We're perfectly safe.
Klaus Baudelaire Yeah. Perfectly safe. See? They're leaving.
The leeches make another attack.
Klaus Baudelaire Whoa!
Aunt Josephine screams.
Sunny Baudelaire Uh oh.
The leeches begin to puncture the boat.
Klaus Baudelaire We're gonna need to sail much, much faster, or this boat will be in pieces in no time.
Klaus Baudelaire But sailing relies on wind. We can't make the wind go any faster.
Josephine Anwhistle Please don't throw me overboard! I'm too frightened!
More and more leeches swarm to attack the boat.
Violet Baudelaire Nobody's gonna throw you overboard.
Sunny Baudelaire Dramatic irony?
Aunt Josephine, making various sounds of fright, grabs an oar and begins to paddle. Klaus uses a bucket to start bailing water. Josephine pulls up the paddle to find that it's been nearly eaten up by the leeches. She whimpers.
Klaus Baudelaire Well, rowing's not gonna work.
Violet Baudelaire Rowing won't help anyway. This boat is sinking. We need help.
Klaus Baudelaire How are we gonna get help in the middle of a lake?
Violet Baudelaire We just need a signal.
Violet ties up her hair.
Josephine Anwhistle That's right, darling. Close your eyes. That's what I do when I'm afraid. It always makes me feel better to block out the fear. Let's all close our eyes, as if we're watching some on-screen entertainment that's too scary for people our age.
Klaus Baudelaire Violet's not blocking out anything. That's how she concentrates.
Violet Baudelaire Fire alarms.
Klaus Baudelaire What?
Violet Baudelaire Fire alarms.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, please don't say any more scary things. I'm frightened enough.
Violet Baudelaire Fire alarms are an excellent way to signal for assistance. We need noise, we need light.
More leeches burst through the boat and Josephine continues screaming.
Violet Baudelaire We need to start a fire.
Klaus Baudelaire Won't that get us in more danger?
Violet Baudelaire If we start a fire for light and hit the bucket for noise, we can attract attention.
Klaus Baudelaire It'll be hard to start a fire. Everything here is…
There's a crack and Josephine screams some more.
Klaus Baudelaire (screaming) wet from the storm!
Another sound. Aunt Josephine screams again.
Violet Baudelaire Not everything. Aunt Josephine, I need your scarf.
Josephine Anwhistle No! I need it more. I need it to protect my neck.
Violet Baudelaire I don't have time to argue with you. I'm trying to save each of our lives!
Josephine Anwhistle (grunts) The expression is "saving all of our lives" not "saving each of our—"
Violet grabs Aunt Josephine's scarf. Josephine screams.
Violet Baudelaire Sit down!
Josephine raises her hands in defeat and moves to the middle of the boat to sit.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!
Violet Baudelaire How do we light this?
Violet ties the scarf on the end of a pole.
Klaus Baudelaire Well, there's friction, but that requires technique, patience and dry conditions.
Violet Baudelaire There has to be another way.
Josephine fiddles with her life jacket.
Klaus Baudelaire The scientific principle of the divergence and refraction of light.
Violet Baudelaire The scientific principle of the divergence and refraction of light?
Klaus picks up a pair of binoculars from the floor.
Klaus Baudelaire The scientific principle of the divergence and refraction of light. You know, when horrible people use a magnifying glass to burn ants.
Josephine Anwhistle Olaf used to do that.
Klaus Baudelaire Theoretically, if I can catch enough light from the lighthouse beam… That seems unlikely.
Violet Baudelaire Just try your best.
Klaus Baudelaire It doesn't matter if I try my best. What matters is what happens.
He tries for a few seconds.
Klaus Baudelaire It won't work! The angle's wrong.
Violet Baudelaire The light just needs to refract off of something else to reach us.
Klaus Baudelaire There is nothing else. We're all alone.
The camera moves out and up, showing an airplane flying overhead.
EXT. AIRPLANE
"Father" I think I see something down there!
"Mother" If only we brought the spyglass.
"Father" pulls out a pair of binoculars.
"Father" These will have to do.
He trains them downward. The lavender glow from the lighthouse reflects on their lenses, down through Klaus's binoculars, and focuses on the cloth, catching it on fire.
Violet Baudelaire You did it.
Klaus Baudelaire We did it.
They look up.
Klaus Baudelaire It's a plane.
Violet Baudelaire Klaus, lower the sail.
He scrambles to do so. Violet swings the fire near Aunt Josephine, who screams. Violet climbs the mast and begins waving the pole.
Violet Baudelaire Help!
Klaus begins banging the bucket.
Josephine Anwhistle Save me!
Sunny Baudelaire Mayday!
Josephine Anwhistle Save me!
Violet Baudelaire Help! Help!
Josephine Anwhistle Save me!
"Father" It's a small boat in distress.
"Mother" Why would anybody be on the lake so soon after a hurricane?
"Father" Maybe they're trying to reach their family, too. They'll never make it.
"Mother" Unless we help them. I could fly low, reduce our speed to 80 knots.
"Father" We need to find a way to extract them.
"Mother" I wish we had that grappling hook.
"Father" Wait, ferry approaching.
"Mother" Can it make it?
"Father" Pulling up now! They'll be okay.
The plane engine begins to sputter.
"Mother" Which might be more than I can say about us.
They put on their goggles.
"Mother" This might be a bit of a rough landing. Brace yourself.
"Father" I always do.
EXT. LAKE LACHRYMOSE
The Fickle Ferry is beside the sailboat. Josephine laughs with relief and happiness. Violet climbs down from the mast and drops the rod with the flaming scarf into the lake. The ferry lowers its stairs to the boat.
Josephine Anwhistle We're saved! (exclaims) We are saved!
Josephine begins climbing the stairs. Holding Sunny, Violet follows, then Klaus.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, my! Oh! (laughing)
Violet and Klaus watch from above as their boat sinks into the lake.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, my goodness. (panting) What a relief. Oh! We don't know how to thank you.
The captain turns to face her, revealing himself to be Olaf (still dressed as Captain Sham).
Count Olaf I can think of a way.
Josephine Anwhistle Oh, no!
The Hook-Handed Man grabs the Baudelaires.
Count Olaf You can stop faking your death and running away and rescuing each other and making me ferry around this godforsaken lake searching for you.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender Parenting is exhausting.
Violet Baudelaire You're not our parent and you never will be.
Count Olaf On the contrary, Mr. Poe is putting the finishing touches on your adoption papers this very moment. In a few hours, you will be Violet, Klaus and Sunny Sham.
Klaus Baudelaire When we explain that you forced Aunt Josephine to write that note, Mr. Poe will tear those adoption papers into a thousand pieces.
Count Olaf And who is Mr. Poe going to believe? The owner of a respectable lakeside rental agency, or three runaway pip-squeaks who go around stealing boats?
Violet Baudelaire We only stole that boat to retrieve Aunt Josephine from her hiding spot so she could tell everybody about your terrible plan.
Olaf looks at Aunt Josephine.
Count Olaf Is this true?
Josephine Anwhistle Uh-huh.
Count Olaf You were going to betray me?
Josephine Anwhistle Mmm.
Count Olaf After all the years we spent together? After all of those picnics by the shore? After all of those shredded beef tamales I served to your husband? After all the secrets we had shared?
Josephine Anwhistle Yes! I was going to betray you, and these three children gave me the courage to do so. Ever since their parents were killed, they have been so fierce and formidable, again and again escaping from your clutches. And what have I done all these years? Nothing but hide in my house. Well, enough of that. My house can topple off a cliff for all I care.
Klaus Baudelaire (to Violet) Later.
Josephine Anwhistle I am ready to be fierce and formidable again myself, and to face you, Count Olaf!
Olaf's associates all gasp.
Josephine Anwhistle I have had enough of your schemes! I have had enough of your plots! I have had enough of your greed and your betrayal. Listen to me, Olaf, you villain, you wretch, you vastly untalented actor!
Olaf gasps.
Hook-Handed Man Ooh.
Josephine Anwhistle I'm going to tell you something I should've told you a long time ago.
Count Olaf And what might that be?
Josephine Anwhistle It's "have"!
Count Olaf What?
Josephine Anwhistle You said, "After all the secrets we had shared." You should have said, "After all the secrets we have shared." You made a serious grammatical error!
Count Olaf Let me make sure I understand.
Olaf lights his pipe.
Count Olaf You would not say, "Josephine Anwhistle had been thrown overboard to the leeches," because that would be incorrect. But if you said, "Josephine Anwhistle has been thrown overboard to the leeches," you would be all right with that?
Josephine Anwhistle Yes. I mean… No! I mean…
Count Olaf I think I finally understand the lesson.
Olaf pushes Josephine overboard with his index finger. She falls to the water, screaming.
Violet and Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine!
Klaus Baudelaire Fiends! All of you!
Violet Baudelaire Aunt Josephine!
The sound of leeches grows as the water froths around Josephine.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender This does actually seem, like, a little—
Count Olaf Take the boat to Damocles Dock! Our work here is done.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender But Josephine?
Count Olaf Josephine, Schmosephine.
INT. TV STUDIO
Lemony Snicket As I'm sure you know, one way to demonstrate you don't care about something is to say the word and then repeat the word with the letters S-C-H-M replacing the real first letters.
He places a "SCHM" magnet on the map title so it reads "SCHMeather".
Lemony Snicket If you didn't care about truth and justice, for example, you might say "truth, schmuth" or "justice, schmustice." But as Count Olaf steered the Baudelaire orphans away from the Lachrymose Leeches, their feelings about Aunt Josephine were far more complicated. She had given them a home, even if it was cold and not hurricane-proof. She had tried to teach them, even if it wasn't what they wanted to learn. And like the Baudelaires, she had experienced great loss. And while that doesn't make a good guardian, it didn't make her a bad person. For this reason, the Baudelaires did not think, "Josephine, Schmosephine." They thought… "We hope Aunt Josephine is safe."
EXT. DAMOCLES DOCK
Mr. Poe stands at the dock as the Fickle Ferry slowly pulls in, carrying Olaf, his associates, and the Baudelaires. The Baudelaires continue to stand at the railing as the others disembark.
Count Olaf Everybody off!
Violet Baudelaire Klaus?
Klaus Baudelaire Look.
A visual of two smokestacks in the distance. He shows Violet the Paltryville photo.
Violet Baudelaire Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Klaus Baudelaire Aunt Josephine said it wasn't far.
Hook-Handed Man Come on. We don't have all day.
They leave.
Mr. Poe coughs, waving his handkerchief at the Baudelaires. They approch him.
Arthur Poe What am I supposed to do with you? You said you were going to go home and rest, but instead you steal a sailboat and push Josephine's house down a hill? I missed the prehurricane discount tickets and had to spend the night in a bed and breakfast that uses powdered eggs! (coughs) I wouldn't be surprised if Captain Sham was no longer interested in serving as your guardian, even though I filled out these forms in triplicate while he boated around Lake Lachrymose looking for you on a hunch.
Hook-Handed Man I don't have a hunch.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Well, I'll admit the children's behavior did make me have second thoughts. But then I also had third thoughts, which are how empty my wallet and my heart are. I truly think that the Baudelaires can be an enormous, enormous fortune in my life. And so… as I used to say to my dearest friend, the late Josephine What's-her-name… get in the car.
Violet Baudelaire We're not going anywhere with you.
Klaus Baudelaire Mr. Poe, this man is really Count Olaf in disguise. He murdered Aunt Josephine in cold blood.
Hook-Handed Man Uh, actually, cold water.
Arthur Poe Klaus, we've been through this. There's absolutely nothing at this point that will convince me that this man is actually Count Olaf. And you have no evidence to support these wild accusations, and I cannot, on behalf of Mulctuary Money Management, merely take the word of a single child.
Violet Baudelaire You don't have to take the word of a single child.
Klaus Baudelaire You can take the word of all three of us.
Count Olaf Uh, actually, it's more like two. The baby doesn't really count. I mean…
Sunny leaps at him, and he screams. She quickly chews through his peg leg, which breaks, and Olaf's bare leg drops down to keep his balance. Sunny chuckles.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) My leg! My leg has grown back! It's amazing! It's incredible! It's wonderful! It's a medical miracle!
Violet picks up Sunny.
Hook-Handed Man It's a mitzvah!
Arthur Poe Oh, come now, that won't work. Even a child can see that peg leg was false.
Violet Baudelaire A child did see that the peg leg was false. Three children, in fact.
Klaus Baudelaire But you didn't listen. You never listen.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Well, perhaps the peg leg was false. But I have never seen this tattoo in my life.
Arthur Poe Oh, come now, that won't work either. You tried to hide the tattoo with the peg leg.
There is a metallic thud from behind the Baudelaires, and they turn to look. Someone in a Lucky Smells jumpsuit fastens the tailgate of a Lucky Smells pickup truck.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Maybe the tattoo is real. But I am not this Count Olaf person.
Klaus Baudelaire Look.
He holds up the Paltryville photo again.
Violet Baudelaire Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Klaus Baudelaire Let's go.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) My name is Captain Sham. It says so on my business card.
Arthur Poe Oh, oh, come now, that won't work either again. Business cards don't prove anything. Anyone can go to a print shop and have cards made up that say anything they like.
The Baudelaires get up into the bed of the truck.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Well, maybe I'm not Captain Sham, but the children still belong to me. Josephine told me so.
The truck begins to drive away.
Arthur Poe Oh, come now, that won't work for the final time. Josephine left the children to Captain Sham, not Count Olaf. You are Count Olaf and not Captain Sham. You are going to jail, and the children will come with me and we'll settle this once and for…
He turns to find the children missing.
Arthur Poe Baudelaires?
Olaf and associates seize the moment and sneak off behind Mr. Poe to their car.
Arthur Poe Baudelaires? Baudelaire… (sighs) Baudelaires! Baudelaires? Baudelaire… Baudelaires? Well, I'll find them in a minute. You will stay here, Count Olaf, and I'll finally contact the…
He turns back around, now finding everyone else gone as well.
Arthur Poe Count Olaf! Count Olaf!
Olaf's car starts up and leaves.
Arthur Poe I'm all alone.
EXT. LUCKY SMELLS TRUCK
Violet Baudelaire What's that thing Haruki Murakami said?
Klaus Baudelaire "When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in."
Violet Baudelaire Before that part.
Klaus Baudelaire "You won't even be sure, in fact… whether the storm is really over." Do you think we made the right choice?
Violet Baudelaire Doesn't matter if we made the right choice. What matters is what happens.
Geese honk above. The Baudelaires look up to see a flock flying in a perfect V in the same direction as them.


Sources

  1. Likely an allusion to Jack Nicholson's famous line from The Shining (1980), but possibly to the The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson introduction Nicholson was referencing.
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