Moxietypewritersquare.png This is a transcribed copy of "The Wide Window: Part Two". Edit or add to this page, but remember all information should come directly from the original source. Any false information will be sent to The Daily Punctilio.
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The following article or section concerns information that is considered canonical to the Netflix series, but it is unknown as to where it stands in the books' canon. It may also contain information contradictory to the books. Be very cautious when using this information as a source, or you may end up reporting for The Daily Punctilio, or on the lam. Whichever you consider worse.

Any additions in regards to dialogue and character actions would be greatly appreciated.


Speaker Dialogue
INT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE - LIBRARY - NIGHT
The Baudelaire children stand at the window of Aunt Josephine's library.
Klaus (reading) "Violet, Klaus and Sunny: By the time you read this note, my life will be at it's end. My heart is as cold as Ike, and I find my life inbearable. I know your children may not understand the sad life of a dowadger, or what would have lead... leadled me to this desperate akt... but please know that I am much happier this way. As my last will and testament, I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham, a kind and honorable men. Please think of me kindly, even though I'd done this terrible thing. Josephine Anwhistle."
Violet It can't be.
EXT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE - THE FUTURE
Lemony Snicket Can't be. When you lose someone important to you, "it can't be" are often the words that run through your saddened head. It can't be that I've lost someone so important. It can't be that I will never see them again. It can't be, it can't be... it can't be. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my job to report the history of the Baudelaire orphans, but it can't be that you have nothing better to do. The Baudelaires believed, incorrectly, that they would never see their Aunt Josephine again, but it can't be that you are interested in watching them suffer as her last words echo again and again throughout her empty and doomed house. (pause) It can't be.
INT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE
Violet reads Aunt Josephine's note to someone on the telephone.
Violet "As my last will and testament, I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham, a kind and honorable men. Please think of me kindly even though I'd done this terrible thing." (cheerily) Yes, yes. I understand. I'll tell them. Of course, I'll tell them. I promise I'll tell them. Goodbye.
Violet hangs up.
Violet (gloomily) Mr. Poe says we can always rely on Mulctuary Money Management.
Klaus I just can't believe it.
Violet It's all there in ink and shaky handwriting. Aunt Josephine is dead and she's left us in the care of Count Olaf.
Klaus It's not right. There's something funny about this note.
Violet There's nothing funny about a woman throwing herself out a window.
Klaus Not funny as in a funny joke. Funny as in a funny... smell. Let me show you.
He leads her to the library and turns on a lamp.
Klaus In the very first sentence, she says, "My life will be at it's end."
Violet And now it is.
Klaus That's not what I mean. She says "it's," I-T-apostrophe-S, meaning "it is." She means I-T-S. That's a sizable grammatical error.
Violet Who cares about grammatical errors when she jumped out a window?
Klaus Aunt Josephine would've cared.
She said grammar was the greatest joy in life.
Violet That's not enough. No matter how much she liked grammar, she says she found her life unbearable.
Klaus That's another error. She didn't say she found her life unbearable, with a U. She said she found her life inbearable, with an I. That's not a word.
Violet Our situation isn't inbearable. It's unbearable. Aunt Josephine left us in the care of Captain Sham, and I don't know what we can do about it.
Klaus I wish we'd never read Mr. Poe that note. Then we could've torn it up and forged a new one in her handwriting that didn't mention... Captain Sham.
Violet Wouldn't it be difficult to imitate her handwriting?
Klaus Maybe it's not her handwriting at all.
Sunny Olaf.
Klaus and Violet look at each other, and then out through the window to Lake Lachrymose.
INT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE - LIBRARY - DAY
Mr. Poe emerges from a coughing fit.
Arthur Poe Forgery? That's a very serious charge.
Violet Not as serious as murder.
Klaus Which is what Count Olaf did. He murdered Aunt Josephine and forged a note.
Arthur Poe Again with Count Olaf. I must say, other than a gaping, middle-aged woman-shaped hole in the window, I can see no sign of a struggle or a break-in.
Violet We told you. Count Olaf didn't have to break into Aunt Josephine's house.
Klaus He was in disguise and Aunt Josephine fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
Arthur Poe Please, there's no time for fishing jokes. There's a very simple way to tell who wrote this note. We simply have to compare it to your Aunt Josephine's handwriting.
Klaus That's... actually an excellent idea.
Arthur Poe You are very intelligent children, but even the most intelligent people sometimes need the help of a banker.
Violet sets Sunny down on the kitchen table, and grabs the shopping list from Aunt Josephine's bag.
Violet Wait right here.
Violet returns to the group with the list. They've relocated to the dining room.
Violet Here's Aunt Josephine's shopping list. We can use this to compare.
Arthur Poe Oh, look here. Look at the V in "Several gallons of Vinegar," and how it matches the V in "Violet" she wrote in the note. And look at the C in "Cold Soup Ingredients," and how it matches the C in "Captain Sham." And look where she writes "I think shopping is terribly dangerous" and how it matches "think of me kindly, even though I'd done this terrible thing."
Klaus It should be "I've done this terrible thing."
Arthur Poe Yes, it is a terrible thing, and I'm sure it's very upsetting to read. But once and for all, we can see the note is not a forgery.
Violet You're right.
Arthur Poe But why would this Captain Sham person go through so much trouble just to place you under his care?
Klaus We've already told you, Captain Sham is Count Olaf in disguise.
Arthur Poe Now then, I know you three have had some terrible experiences, but you mustn't start letting your imaginations get the best of you. Remember when you were staying with Uncle Monty? You were convinced that his assistant, Stephano, was actually Count Olaf in disguise.
Violet Stephano was actually Count Olaf in disguise.
Arthur Poe Not the point. The point is that you can't just start jumping to conclusions. You've jumped to the conclusion that this note was a forgery, and now you're jumping to the conclusion that a villainous man who swore he'd stop at nothing until he got ahold of your parents' enormous fortune is involved in some plot to get ahold of your parents' enormous fortune.
Klaus You don't have to believe us. See for yourself.
His troupe has been camped outside all night keeping an eye on us.
Klaus leads Mr. Poe to the window, and Mr. Poe looks outside. The only car is his own.
Arthur Poe Ah, I see an approaching hurricane, but no theatrical troupe.
Sunny Awkward.
Arthur Poe It's like I said, Baudelaires. You're letting your imagination get the best of you.
Klaus looks outside to confirm.
Arthur Poe Imagination's all well and good for children's books or digital entertainment, but this is real life.
Violet Mr. Poe, you have to believe us when we tell you that Captain Sham is really Count Olaf.
Klaus Aunt Josephine's note might not have been forged, but there's something suspicious going on. It's full of grammatical errors.
Arthur Poe Children, disguises and grammatical errors, these are dire accusations, but they're easily investigated. We can settle the whole matter over brunch.
Violet Brunch?
Arthur Poe Yes, it's a word for the combination of breakfast and lunch.
Klaus We know what brunch means.
Arthur Poe Oh, good, then you'll have an easy time with the menu. Captain Sham's invited us all to a restaurant to talk this over.
Violet You've already spoken with Captain Sham?
Arthur Poe Yes, by some strange coincidence, he called me accidentally, trying to reach a knife store to buy a surprise for some children he knows. He was shocked to hear about Josephine's death, but overjoyed at the prospect of raising you children. What sailor wouldn't be?
Violet We're not going to brunch with that villain.
Klaus We'll stay here and examine the note.
Arthur Poe Oh, no, no, Baudelaires. I want to settle this matter once and for all. They tell me Hurricane Herman is going to be so enormous and menacing it'll most likely shut down all electric power in the city. So I want to settle this quickly, put you in the hands of a sailor I just met on the phone, before returning safe and sound to the city. (coughs)
INT./EXT. POE'S CAR
Arthur Poe Children, I promise to investigate this man Captain Sham to the fullest extent of my ability as a banker. If he's in disguise as you claim, the eyes of Poe will catch it immediately.
Sunny You missed the turn.
Klaus and Violet look at each other dubiously.
EXT. A ROAD
Lemony steps out to narrate as Mr. Poe's car continues past him, missing the hairpin turn toward the town.
Lemony Snicket You probably know of a plant called the Venus flytrap which grows in the tropics and in the apartments of certain lonely people.
Lemony removes his hat to use it as a visual aid.
Lemony Snicket The top of the plant is shaped like an open mouth with toothlike spines around the edges. When a fly attracted to the smell of the flower lands on the Venus flytrap, the mouth of the plant begins to close, trapping the terrified fly who slowly, slowly, slowly... dissolves into nothing. As Violet, Klaus and Sunny arrived at their brunch with Count Olaf, a few minutes late because Mr. Poe missed the turn...
Mr. Poe's car reappears, going the right way.
Lemony …they felt as helpless as a fly as Count Olaf's evil scheme closed around them. Sadly, they would not learn for a long time that someone was there, desperately trying to help them.
INT. ANXIOUS CLOWN
Larry Your-Waiter Uh, hello, I'm Larry, your waiter. Welcome to the Anxious Clown Restaurant, where everybody has a good time whether they like it or not. I can see we have a whole family lunching together, so allow me to recommend the Extra Fun Special Family Appetizer. It's a bunch of things fried up together and served with a sauce.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Well, that sounds wonderful! Extra Special Family Fun Appetizer for an extra special family. Mine.
Violet I'll just have a glass of water, thank you.
Klaus Same for me. And a glass of ice cubes for my baby sister, please.
Arthur Poe I'll have a cup of coffee with nondairy creamer, please.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Oh, no, Poe. Let's, uh, share a nice bottle of red wine.
Arthur Poe (chuckling) Oh, no, thanks, Captain Sham. I don't drink during banking hours.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Yeah, but it's a celebratory brunch. We should drink a toast. After all, it's not every day that a man becomes a father of three children.
Arthur Poe Please, Sham. It's heartening to know that you're glad to raise the children, but you must understand, the children lost their Aunt Josephine. They're rather upset.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I'm upset, too. I'm... I'm probably more upset. Josephine was my, uh... (voice breaking) uh... Josephine was my oldest and dearest friend. Thank you.
Mr. Poe hands him a handkerchief.
Klaus You met her yesterday at the town market and petting zoo.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) It really does seem like yesterday, but actually it was many years ago. She and I met at cooking school. We were oven partners in the Advanced Baking Course.
Violet You weren't oven partners. Aunt Josephine was desperately afraid of turning on an oven.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Soon we became fast friends, and then one day she said to me, "If I ever adopt some orphans and then meet an untimely death, promise me that you will raise them as if they were your own." Of course, I agreed, but I had no idea I would (voice breaking) have to keep that promise.
Larry Your-Waiter Josephine is dead?
A thunderclap.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Yes. Josephine Anwhistle jumped out of the window of her own home late last night. Didn't you hear?
Larry Your-Waiter I didn't realize this was a sad occasion. In that case, allow me to recommend the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers. The pickles, mustard and ketchup make a little smiley face on top of the burger, which is guaranteed to get ya smilin', too. So make sure (to the children, pointedly) you look inside before you eat it.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Well, that's a wonderful idea. Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers for everyone, Larry!
He motions for Larry to leave.
Arthur Poe Odd service, here.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) It's the off-season.
Arthur Poe Ah.
INT. ANXIOUS CLOWN - KITCHEN
Larry enters the kitchen. All of Olaf's associates are standing there.
Hook-Handed Man Nice performance out there. Stick to the script and we won't throw you to the leeches.
White-Faced Woman #2 Yeah, no funny business, clown.
Larry Your-Waiter It's Larry. I told you my name is Larry.
Hook-Handed Man We don't care what your name is.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender Or what gender you are.
Bald Man Or whether that hair is real.
Larry Your-Waiter It's a clown wig.
Larry begins making burgers.
Hook-Handed Man We don't care!
White-Faced Woman #2 All we care about is making sure you don't blow this for the boss.
White-Faced Woman #1 So if you want to make it out of here...
White-Faced Woman #2 Alive.
Hook-Handed Man With both hands.
White-Faced Woman #1 You better do exactly what we say.
White-Faced Woman #2 You're gonna fix a nice lunch for everybody.
White-Faced Woman #1 With no tricks.
White-Faced Woman #2 No knockout drugs.
White-Faced Woman #1 No poison.
White-Faced Woman #2 And no secret messages written in...
White-Faced Woman #1 Ketchup.
White-Faced Woman #2 Mustard.
White-Faced Woman #1 Or wasabi mayo.
White-Faced Women (together) in the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers!
Larry Your-Waiter You'll never defeat us. You can surround us. You can throw us out of windows. You can threaten us and make us cook for you--
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender Sorry to interrupt, but what's the soup of the day?
Everyone looks at the Henchperson.
INT. ANXIOUS CLOWN - DINING AREA
Arthur Poe I want to emphasize straightaway that the Baudelaire fortune will still be under my supervision until Violet comes of age.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) What fortune? I don't know about any fortune.
Sunny Sham!
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (hisses)
Arthur Poe The Baudelaire parents, uh, have left behind an enormous fortune that the children will inherit when Violet comes of age.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Oh, I have no interest in a fortune. I've got my sailboats.
Sunny Ugh!
Violet Mr. Poe, Sunny's right. Surely you can finally see that this man--
Larry enters with a tray.
Larry Your-Waiter Beverages!
Coffee for the gentleman.
Arthur Poe Thank you.
Larry Your-Waiter A Fuzzy Navel for the sailor.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) What?
Larry Your-Waiter A gift from someone in the kitchen. And water and ice for the Baudelaires.
Violet You know our names?
Larry Your-Waiter Of course I don't know your names!
He forces a grin and exits in a hurry. Olaf takes a sip of his drink and nods appreciatively.
Arthur Poe I've completely forgotten what we were saying. Don't you hate that?
Klaus We were saying that is Count Olaf.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) What, the waiter? He did seem odd.
Violet No, not the waiter. You! You've done something terrible to Aunt Josephine and you're scheming to get our fortune.
Arthur Poe [scoffs] Why would Captain Sham do something terrible to his closest friend?
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Good point, Poe.
Klaus He isn't Captain Sham.
Klaus and Violet Baudelaire He's Count Olaf!
Mr. Poe has an extended coughing fit.
Arthur Poe Baudelaires, I've been more than patient with you. I understand that losing your parents and your home has had an emotional effect, as I imagine it would have on many people. I've done the best I can to find a suitable home for you, but nothing I do seems to be good enough. And now, faced with a perfectly legal last will and testament that will place you in the care of a sailor you met yesterday, you start to spout these wild, McCarthyesque accusations.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) What he said.
Arthur Poe But if you insist... I will prove to you that Captain Sham and Count Olaf are two completely different people, step by step, as if you were babies.
Sunny That's offensive.
Larry enters with another tray.
Larry Your-Waiter Here are your Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers!
Arthur Poe Count Olaf has one long eyebrow.
Larry Your-Waiter I meant to ask...
Arthur Poe While Captain Sham has one eyepatch.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) During damp weather, I can hardly wink.
Larry Your-Waiter if any of you had any food allergies...
Arthur Poe Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle.
Larry Your-Waiter so I might've informed the chef...
While Captain Sham has half a broomstick where his left ankle should've been.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) We prefer the term "peg leg."
Larry Your-Waiter who certainly would not want anyone to have an allergic reaction...
Count Olaf would have only just met Aunt Josephine...
Larry Your-Waiter that would force them to leave the restaurant.
Arthur Poe while Captain Sham has known her for many years.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Along with her husband, what's-his-name.
Arthur Poe Count Olaf is a murderous man who's only interested in your parents' money, while Captain Sham has expressed great interest in raising you children without touching a single penny.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) We'll see.
Violet We're allergic to peppermints.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) What? We'll see. Get me another navel!
Arthur Poe So, can we all agree that Captain Sham has none of the hallmarks, earmarks or benchmarks of Count Olaf?
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Agreed.
Violet If we could just go back to Aunt Josephine's house.
Klaus There's something strange about that note.
Arthur Poe We've already been over the note, Baudelaires. It's not a forgery. And the grammatical mistakes are merely the nervousness of any woman who was about to throw herself out a window.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Hear, hear.
Olaf rolls his eyes.
Arthur Poe Now, Captain Sham, I have some papers in my briefcase that I need you to sign. (clears throat)
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) And then the children will be mine?
Arthur Poe (chuckles) You'll be caring for them, yes.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) And there's nothing in the world that can stop me?
Arthur Poe Well, that... (chuckles) A peculiar way of saying it, but, yes.
Larry Your-Waiter I brought the bill. Take your time. I'm sure none of you are in any particular hurry.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (loudly) The banker's buying.
Arthur Poe Oh, oh! (chuckles) Well, okay, that... that's fine.
Klaus removes the peppermints from the tray with the check.
Arthur Poe Uh, Sham, I need to have a few words with you about the children's education.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Oh, I've always been a big supporter of the school voucher system.
Arthur Poe Have you indeed? Tell me more.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Yeah.
Lemony Snicket Everyone is allergic to something. Whether it is gluten, injustice, dark chocolate, corruption, pollen... or common decency.
Lemony leads the camera to the kitchen. Count Olaf's associates are all eating.
Hook-Handed Man And you'll do all the dishes.
Olaf's associates all laugh. The Hook-Handed Man shushes them. Lemony walks back to the dining room.
Lemony Snicket The Baudelaire orphans were allergic to peppermint. Their allergies were notoriously quick-acting and powerful. Of course, if you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.
Lemony ducks below the table.
Lemony Snicket But Violet, Klaus and Sunny knew that this was an emergency.
Klaus passes peppermints to Violet, who passes one to Sunny.
Lemony Snicket The strange message they had received seemed to indicate there was more for the Baudelaires to investigate, but not until after they got away from Count Olaf and his miserable lunch. So while Mr. Poe began to tell a very boring story...
Arthur Poe That reminds me of a time I bought a carton of milk. Well, the clerk asked me what kind of milk...
Lemony Snicket the children unwrapped their peppermints... and placed them into their mouths.
They eat the peppermints.
Arthur Poe ...almond milk, whole milk. And so I said, "Low fat, please." And then the clerk leads me to the dairy section where the milk is kept, and then he said to me, proud as can be...
Mr. Poe looks to the Baudelaires, who already are breaking out in hives.
Arthur Poe You look terrible!
Violet We're having allergic reactions.
Klaus I feel... (lisping) I feel quite terrible.
Sunny As do I.
Arthur Poe Goodness gracious, Violet, you have huge, ugly, red patches on your skin. Klaus, your tongue is swelling. Sunny, both things are happening to you.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I'm sure it's nothing.
Arthur Poe Nothing? Violet has a hive on her face the size of a hard-boiled egg.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) They just need to take some deep breaths.
Violet I think we should go home and rest.
Arthur Poe An excellent idea.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) Poe, it's in the middle of brunch. Just lean back in your seat.
Arthur Poe Captain Sham, the children are quite ill. Let's pay the bill and take the children home.
Violet No, no. We can go home by ourselves.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I wouldn't dream of leaving you alone.
Arthur Poe (sighs) Well, there is the matter of the paperwork to go over to make the, uh, adoption official, and, frankly, I would like to take advantage of the Fickle Ferry's, uh, prehurricane special reduced ticket prices.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) (sighs)
Violet Yes, finish the paperwork and have a relaxing lunch. Captain Sham can come fetch us at Aunt Josephine's house.
She stands and picks up Sunny.
Count Olaf (Captain Sham) I'll see you very soon.
EXT. ANXIOUS CLOWN
Thunder crashes.
Fish Head Salesperson Save the fish heads!
Man Storm's comin'!
Klaus (lisping indistinctly)
Violet I can't understand what you're saying, but I assume that you think we ought to decode Aunt Josephine's note before Count Olaf and Mr. Poe finish the paperwork.
Klaus looks impressed by her comprehension.
Violet But how are we gonna get all the way back up to Aunt Josephine's house?
Taxi Driver Does anybody need a ride someplace for a reasonable fee?
EXT. ANWHISTLE HOUSE
Taxi Driver Believe me, I've had this conversation a million times.
If you look at the white whale in terms of postcolonialism--
Thank you, sir.
Call me Ishmael.
We don't have much time before Hurricane Herman arrives.
[lisping] The library.
Good idea. The library.
[Klaus lisping indistinctly]
Got it. Sunny and I will take baking soda baths to treat our hives, while you begin your research.
[lisping] Exactly. Nouns and verbs.
[Mr. Poe] And those moneys are locked into the tuition fund.
So the tuition fund cannot be spent, for example, on a pair of diamond cufflinks?
Just asking.
All you do is sauté garlic and onions in a pot, then add onions, capers, anchovies, diced parsley and tomatoes--
Stop being friendly to him!
[phone ringing]
Anxious Clown Restaurant. This is Larry, your waiter.
Alive? Where?
Peru?
[softly] Secure for the moment, but you need to know--
Who is this?
Hello?
Hello?
How does it work? Hello?
The restaurant's been compromised.
We can't wait for the weather to clear.
It's gonna take more than a hurricane to keep us from our children.
Hurricane?
Buckle up, darling.
It's gonna be a bumpy flight.
You were right, Klaus. A baking soda bath did wonders for our hives.
How's your swollen tongue? And how's your research?
[lisping] My tongue is improving.
As for my research, see for yourselves.
What is all this?
[Klaus] It's Aunt Josephine's note.
Look, I-T-apostrophe-S.
I remember.
Aunt Josephine wrote "it's" as in "it is," when she meant "its" as in "belonging to it."
That was just to get our attention. But look at the second sentence.
"My heart is as cold as Ike."
But Aunt Josephine said she liked to think of her husband someplace hot.
"As cold as ice" would make a lot more sense.
Exactly! Unless these aren't grammatical mistakes at all.
They're a message. Aunt Josephine said she and Ike developed secret codes.
C for "ice" instead of "Ike."
U for "unbearable" instead of "inbearable."
R-D...
L-E-D.
[gasps] Curdled Cave.
That's where I got, too.
But why would her last words be about some cave?
Maybe they're not her last words.
What if she only wants people to think that she's dead?
People who don't care about grammatical errors.
Like Count Olaf.
Exactly.
What if she's alive and wants us to know where she's hiding?
[both] Curdled Cave.
We have to find her.
How are we gonna get to the Curdled Cave?
Look at the dotted line.
It looks like the Fickle Ferry goes to the Lavender Lighthouse, which is right next to the cave.
I saw the schedule when we arrived at Damocles Dock.
The Fickle Ferry leaves every 17 minutes.
Let's gather everything we might need.
[wood creaking]
Klaus!
[ripping]
[babbling]
[floor creaking]
Klaus!
Klaus!
[creaking]
[house rumbling]
[creaking]
[thunder cracking]
And, finally, there is still the matter of Aunt Josephine's house to take care of.
Right.
Those forms need to be filled out in quintuplicate.
[sighs]
Mmm!
[sighs]
[Mr. Poe] And then we can treat ourselves to my second favorite candy when I was a boy, peppermints.
During tourist season at Lake Lachrymose, the Fickle Ferry brings visitors from all over the world to enjoy sunshine... fresh air... smoked mackerel. Mmm.
The ferry leaves every 17 minutes to the Lavender Lighthouse, where tourists can walk to Curdled Cave or they could bask in the lighthouse's pale purple glow.
But that's only when the weather is warm.
During the off-season, Lake Lachrymose has very few visitors, which is why the ferry company has added two words to the bottom of their schedule in fine print, a phrase which here means
"you might miss reading it until it was too late."
[Klaus] "Weather permitting."
What does that mean?
It means the Fickle Ferry isn't running at all.
Then how are we gonna get to Curdled Cave?
There is also fine print attached to this sad tale.
A number of concerned people are worried that if you watch the Baudelaire orphans steal a sailboat and sail across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of Hurricane Herman...
We're gonna steal a sailboat, sail across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of Hurricane Herman. you might be tempted to do such a thing yourself.
We're stealing these, too.
So allow me to offer you a piece of advice, even though I don't know anything about you.
Do not take a sailboat that does not belong to you.
[Violet] We're just borrowing it. We'll bring it back.
And nobody will even know what we're doing.
And do not attempt to sail that sailboat during a hurricane.
Especially if, like the Baudelaires, you only have a vague idea of how a sailboat works.
[Klaus] I've read some aquatic literature.
All we've got to do is use the sail to catch the wind.
I've seen this lever in naval blueprints.
It's called the tiller. It steers the ship.
Now all we have to do is sail across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of a hurricane.
Sailing across Lake Lachrymose in a hurricane offers a plethora of challenges.
"Plethora" is a word which here means "too many to list," but I will try.
Your boat might be tossed into the Wicked Whirlpool...
Mind the whirlpool! or dashed to bits on the Rancorous Rocks.
Watch out for the rocks!
[grunts]
And even if you were lucky enough to spy the faint purple beam of the Lavender Lighthouse...
It's the Lavender Lighthouse. it would be an outright miracle if your boat were not destroyed at the craggy entrance of Curdled Cave.
Fortunately, the Baudelaires were about to learn what any local weatherperson can tell you.
All storms eventually break.
Even Hurricane Herman.
[sighs]
Lake Lachrymose is actually very pretty.
I never noticed it before.
I guess we got used to looking at it through Aunt Josephine's eyes.
[Klaus] Curdled Cave is for sale.
Who would want to live in such a phantasmagorical place?
[moaning in the distance]
What is that sound?
[Klaus] Just the wind... probably.
I read that when wind passes through small spaces, like caves, it can make strange noises. It's nothing to be afraid of.
I'm afraid of it anyway.
Me, too.
[chuckles softly]
[woman wailing in distance]
[Klaus] Aunt Josephine?
[Josephine wailing]
Are you...
[screams] okay?
You figured it out! I knew you could figure it out.
I knew you would decode my message.
Klaus really did it.
But Violet knew how to work the sailboat.
Without Violet, we never would've made it here.
Sunny spotted the lighthouse.
Well, I am so glad to see all of you.
[panting] Just let me catch my breath and I'll help you bring in your things.
What things?
Your luggage, of course.
I hope you brought food. I'm out.
We didn't bring any food.
[Josephine] No food?
How in the world did you expect to live with me in this cave if you didn't bring any food?
We didn't come here to live with you.
Then why did you come?
Whatever word that was, Sunny, it was grammatically incorrect.
But maybe one of your siblings will explain in correct English why you're here.
Because Captain Sham almost had us in his clutches.
Everyone thought you were dead, and in your will and testament, you wrote that we should be placed in the care of Captain Sham.
[Josephine] He forced me to do that.
We were only halfway through our fried-egg sandwiches when Captain Sham told me that he was really...
Count Olaf. -Count Olaf.
[chuckling]
He said I had to write out a will saying you children would be left in his care, or he would drown me in the lake. I was so frightened that I agreed immediately, but hid a secret message I hoped you children would find. Of course, then I knew my life was truly in danger. I waited for my opportunity...
[sighs, mutters] Come on.
Here's Shammy!
And faked my own death.
[screaming]
Well, that... worked out.
[Josephine] It's a good thing I remembered to put gas in my recreational watercraft.
[engine starting]
Aunt Josephine?
Aunt Josephine?
Why didn't you take us with you?
Why did you leave us all alone by ourselves?
Why didn't you protect us from Count Olaf?
Oh, Violet... it is not grammatically correct to say "leave us all alone by ourselves."
You can say "leave us all alone," or "leave us by ourselves," but not both. Do you understand?
That didn't sound grammatical either, but we'll say no more about it.
We have all had a very trying day, but I don't think Captain Sham will ever find us here.
We can share Curdled Cave for the rest of our lives.
We're not staying here.
We're taking the sailboat back to the town, and we're taking you with us.
[stammers] No way, José.
I am too frightened of Count Olaf to face him.
But if you tell Mr. Poe what happened, then Count Olaf will be locked away and we'll be safe, all of us.
You can tell him that if you want. I am staying here.
He won't believe us unless you come along and prove you're alive.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I am too afraid.
We're all afraid.
We were afraid when you brought home Count Olaf.
We were afraid when we thought you had jumped out a window.
We were afraid to give ourselves allergic reactions, we were afraid to steal a sailboat, and we were afraid to make our way across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of a hurricane.
But that didn't stop us!
I can't help it if you are braver than I am.
I can't do it.
I am going to live here for the rest of my life, and there is nothing you can say that will change my mind.
You know Curdled Cave is for sale.
So what?
Well, that just means that before long, certain people are going to want to look at it.
And some of those people...
[whispers] will be real estate agents.
Okay, let's go.
[Josephine] Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Aunt Josephine, I really do wish you'd stop saying that.
Hurricane Herman is over, the sailboat is working perfectly and we'll be back to Damocles Dock by morning.
We're as safe as can possibly be expected.
Maybe... maybe you could think back to a time when you were a little more fierce and formidable.
[gasps]
Where did you find this?
[Klaus] In the library.
I haven't seen this photograph in years.
Lucky Smells Lumbermill. Ah, it's not far from here.
Oh, look at Ike.
Look how handsome he looks in that hat.
[chuckles] Oh, and look at Monty!
[Klaus] And our parents.
[Josephine] Yes.
And your parents.
Such brave and noble people.
[sighs] Oh, how I miss them.
[Klaus] We miss them, too.
But we have questions about them.
They never told us about you. They never told us about Uncle Monty.
I have a feeling there's lots of things they never told us about.
Your parents, Baudelaires, wanted to raise you in a quiet world, far away from the fiery injustices that were threatening all of us.
They were trying to keep you safe.
It didn't work.
No. No, it didn't.
Not long after this photograph was taken, your parents and I had to make a vastly frightening decision.
I remember that day so well, Klaus.
Your mother had just wrestled one of our enemies to the ground, when she turned to me and said...
Uh-oh.
What?
Uh-oh. And I mean it this time.
What's wrong?
We are now entering the territory of the Lachrymose Leeches.
Oh, my poor Ike!
He always loved shredded beef tamales, and they ended up sealing his doom.
I'm sure we'll be all right.
You said that the leeches were usually harmless.
Unless you have recently eaten.
We haven't eaten anything since those peppermints at the Anxious Clown.
That was brunch, and it's almost morning now.
You didn't eat anything recently, did you, Aunt Josephine?
Aunt Josephine?
Banana.
I ate a banana just before you arrived. [burps]
Uh-oh. [sighs]
I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.
Leeches are very small animals.
If we were in the water, we might have reason to fear, but I doubt they'd attack a sailboat.
Hurricane Herman might have even scared them out of the territory.
Uh-oh. [low chuckle]
[water bubbling]
You see? We're perfectly safe.
Yeah. Perfectly safe. See? They're leaving.
[leeches screeching]
Whoa!
[screaming]
We're gonna need to sail much, much faster, or this boat will be in pieces in no time.
But sailing relies on wind. We can't make the wind go any faster.
Please don't throw me overboard! I'm too frightened!
Nobody's gonna throw you overboard.
[creaking]
[grunting and screaming]
[whimpers]
Well, rowing's not gonna work.
Rowing won't help anyway.
This boat is sinking. We need help.
How are we gonna get help in the middle of a lake?
We just need a signal.
[Josephine] That's right, darling. Close your eyes.
That's what I do when I'm afraid.
It always makes me feel better to block out the fear.
Let's all close our eyes, as if we're watching some on-screen entertainment that's too scary for people our age.
Violet's not blocking out anything.
That's how she concentrates.
Fire alarms.
What?
Fire alarms.
Oh, please don't say any more scary things.
I'm frightened enough.
Fire alarms are an excellent way to signal for assistance.
We need noise, we need light.
[screaming]
[screeching]
We need to start a fire.
Won't that get us in more danger?
If we start a fire for light and hit the bucket for noise, we can attract attention.
It'll be hard to start a fire. Everything here is...
[boat creaking]
[screaming] wet from the storm!
[screams]
Not everything. Aunt Josephine, I need your scarf.
No! I need it more. I need it to protect my neck.
I don't have time to argue with you. I'm trying to save each of our lives!
[grunts] The expression is "saving all of our lives" not "saving each of our--"
[screams]
Sit down!
Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!
How do we light this?
Well, there's friction, but that requires technique, patience and dry conditions.
[Violet] There has to be another way.
The scientific principle of the divergence and refraction of light.
The scientific principle of the divergence and refraction of light?
The scientific principle of the divergence and refraction of light.
You know, when horrible people use a magnifying glass to burn ants.
Olaf used to do that.
Theoretically, if I can catch enough light from the lighthouse beam...
That seems unlikely.
Just try your best.
It doesn't matter if I try my best. What matters is what happens.
It won't work! The angle's wrong.
The light just needs to refract off of something else to reach us.
There is nothing else. We're all alone.
I think I see something down there!
If only we brought the spyglass.
These will have to do.
You did it.
We did it.
It's a plane.
Klaus, lower the sail.
[screams]
Help!
Save me!
Save me!
Help! Help!
Save me!
It's a small boat in distress.
Why would anybody be on the lake so soon after a hurricane?
Maybe they're trying to reach their family, too.
They'll never make it.
Unless we help them.
I could fly low, reduce our speed to 80 knots.
We need to find a way to extract them.
I wish we had that grappling hook.
Wait, ferry approaching.
Can it make it?
Pulling up now!
They'll be okay.
[engine sputtering]
Which might be more than I can say about us.
This might be a bit of a rough landing. Brace yourself.
[Father] I always do.
[screaming and laughing]
We're saved!
[exclaiming] We are saved!
Oh, my! Oh! [laughing]
[loud splashes]
Oh, my goodness. [panting] What a relief.
Oh!
We don't know how to thank you.
I can think of a way.
Oh, no!
You can stop faking your death and running away and rescuing each other and making me ferry around this godforsaken lake searching for you.
Parenting is exhausting.
You're not our parent and you never will be.
On the contrary,
Mr. Poe is putting the finishing touches on your adoption papers this very moment.
In a few hours, you will be Violet, Klaus and Sunny Sham.
When we explain that you forced Aunt Josephine to write that note,
Mr. Poe will tear those adoption papers into a thousand pieces.
And who is Mr. Poe going to believe?
The owner of a respectable lakeside rental agency, or three runaway pip-squeaks who go around stealing boats?
We only stole that boat to retrieve Aunt Josephine from her hiding spot so she could tell everybody about your terrible plan.
Is this true?
Uh-huh.
You were going to betray me?
Mmm.
After all the years we spent together?
After all of those picnics by the shore?
After all of those shredded beef tamales I served to your husband?
After all the secrets we had shared?
Yes! I was going to betray you, and these three children gave me the courage to do so.
Ever since their parents were killed, they have been so fierce and formidable, again and again escaping from your clutches.
And what have I done all these years?
Nothing but hide in my house. Well, enough of that.
My house can topple off a cliff for all I care.
Later.
I am ready to be fierce and formidable again myself, and to face you, Count Olaf!
[all gasp]
I have had enough of your schemes! I have had enough of your plots!
I have had enough of your greed and your betrayal.
Listen to me, Olaf, you villain, you wretch, you vastly untalented actor!
[gasps]
Ooh.
I'm going to tell you something I should've told you a long time ago.
And what might that be?
It's "have"!
What?
You said, "After all the secrets we had shared."
You should have said, "After all the secrets we have shared."
You made a serious grammatical error!
Let me make sure I understand.
You would not say,
"Josephine Anwhistle had been thrown overboard to the leeches," because that would be incorrect.
But if you said, "Josephine Anwhistle has been thrown overboard to the leeches," you would be all right with that?
Yes.
I mean...
No!
I mean...
I think I finally understand the lesson.
[screaming]
[both] Aunt Josephine!
Fiends! All of you!
Aunt Josephine!
[leeches screeching]
This does actually seem, like, a little--
Take the boat to Damocles Dock! Our work here is done.
But Josephine?
Josephine, Schmosephine.
As I'm sure you know, one way to demonstrate you don't care about something is to say the word and then repeat the word with the letters S-C-H-M replacing the real first letters.
If you didn't care about truth and justice, for example, you might say "truth, schmuth" or "justice, schmustice."
But as Count Olaf steered the Baudelaire orphans away from the Lachrymose Leeches, their feelings about Aunt Josephine were far more complicated.
She had given them a home, even if it was cold and not hurricane-proof.
She had tried to teach them, even if it wasn't what they wanted to learn.
And like the Baudelaires, she had experienced great loss.
And while that doesn't make a good guardian, it didn't make her a bad person.
For this reason, the Baudelaires did not think, "Josephine, Schmosephine."
They thought... "We hope Aunt Josephine is safe."
Everybody off!
Klaus?
Look.
Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Aunt Josephine said it wasn't far.
Come on. We don't have all day.
[coughing]
[Mr. Poe] What am I supposed to do with you?
You said you were going to go home and rest, but instead you steal a sailboat and push Josephine's house down a hill?
I missed the prehurricane discount tickets and had to spend the night in a bed and breakfast that uses powdered eggs! [coughing]
I wouldn't be surprised if Captain Sham was no longer interested in serving as your guardian, even though I filled out these forms in triplicate while he boated around Lake Lachrymose looking for you on a hunch.
I don't have a hunch.
Well, I'll admit the children's behavior did make me have second thoughts.
But then I also had third thoughts, which are how empty my wallet and my heart are.
I truly think that the Baudelaires can be an enormous, enormous fortune in my life.
And so... as I used to say to my dearest friend, the late Josephine What's-her-name... get in the car.
We're not going anywhere with you.
Mr. Poe, this man is really Count Olaf in disguise.
He murdered Aunt Josephine in cold blood.
Uh, actually, cold water.
Klaus, we've been through this. There's absolutely nothing at this point that will convince me that this man is actually Count Olaf.
And you have no evidence to support these wild accusations, and I cannot, on behalf of Mulctuary Money Management, merely take the word of a single child.
You don't have to take the word of a single child.
You can take the word of all three of us.
Uh, actually, it's more like two. The baby doesn't really count. I mean...
[screaming]
[grunts]
[Sunny chuckling]
My leg!
My leg has grown back! It's amazing!
It's incredible!
It's wonderful! It's a medical miracle!
It's a mitzvah!
Oh, come now, that won't work.
Even a child can see that peg leg was false.
A child did see that the peg leg was false.
Three children, in fact.
But you didn't listen.
You never listen.
Well, perhaps the peg leg was false.
But I have never seen this tattoo in my life.
Oh, come now, that won't work either.
You tried to hide the tattoo with the peg leg.
[loud thud]
[Sham] Maybe the tattoo is real.
But I am not this Count Olaf person.
[Klaus] Look.
Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Let's go.
My name is Captain Sham.
It says so on my business card.
Oh, oh, come now, that won't work either again.
Business cards don't prove anything.
Anyone can go to a print shop and have cards made up that say anything they like.
Well, maybe I'm not Captain Sham, but the children still belong to me.
Josephine told me so.
[Mr. Poe] Oh, come now, that won't work for the final time.
Josephine left the children to Captain Sham, not Count Olaf.
You are Count Olaf and not Captain Sham.
You are going to jail, and the children will come with me and we'll settle this once and for...
Baudelaires?
Baudelaires?
Baudelaire... [sighs]
Baudelaires!
Baudelaires?
Baudelaire...
Baudelaires? Well, I'll find them in a minute.
You will stay here, Count Olaf, and I'll finally contact the...
Count Olaf!
Count Olaf!
[engine starting]
I'm all alone.
What's that thing Haruki Murakami said?
"When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in."
Before that part.
"You won't even be sure, in fact... whether the storm is really over."
Do you think we made the right choice?
Doesn't matter if we made the right choice.
What matters is what happens.
[geese honking]


Sources

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