|“||It doesn't matter if you're interested or not. Look around you. You're hopelessly outnumbered. Wherever we go, we find new comrades who are eager to assist us in our work.||”|
— The Woman with Hair but No Beard, The Slippery Slope
The Woman With Hair But No Beard is a villainess and arsonist, with an "aura of menace" that even frightens Count Olaf, and Lemony Snicket refuses to write down her name. She is associates with the Man with a Beard but No Hair.
The Woman seems to have been in V.F.D. for a time predating The Schism. During this time, she had an Infant Servant, who she believes was troublesome and may have murdered. Following the Schism, she and the Man with a Beard but No Hair were planted firmly on the side of the Fire-starters.
The Sinister Duo also had a regular occupation as high court judges. They used their position as judges to gain information on the Baudelaire case from the third judge, Justice Strauss. They also gained knowledge of the V.F.D. trial to take place at the Hotel Denouement, and thus arranged to rig it.
She and the Man with a Beard but No Hair also managed to enslave the V.F.D. Eagles, threatening them with the punishment of a brutal whipping if they did not follow orders.
They somehow discovered the Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home, and oped to catch up to and destroy it. Upon their decision to burn the V.F.D. Headquarters in the Mortmain Mountains, they also plan to capture the Snow Scouts during their celebration of False Spring.
|“||Oh, it was wonderful. First we burned down the kitchen. Then we burned down the dining room. Then we burned down the parlor, and then the disguise center, the movie room, and the stables. Then we moved on to the gymnasium and the training center, and the garage and all six of the laboratories. We burned down the dormitories and schoolrooms, the lounge, the theater, and the music room, as well as the museum and the ice cream shop. Then we burned down the rehearsal studios and the testing centers and the swimming pool, which was very hard to burn down. Then we burned down all the bathrooms, and then finally, we burned down the V.F.D. library last night. That was my favorite part- books and books and books, all turned to ashes so no one could read them. You should have been there, Olaf!||”|
— The Woman with Hair but No Beard, The Slippery Slope
The Woman and Man arrive at the V.F.D. headquarters and slowly burn it down, room by room in order to keep the smoke to a minimum so they would not be spotted. Every morning of the arson, the two of them would celebrate with a bottle of wine and finger puppets. They do did attempt to search the headquarters for the Sugar Bowl, but are unable to find it.
The Man and Woman, dragging a toboggan along with them, then arrive at Count Olaf's campsite, frightening him and his troupe, and the Woman notes that she had feared the authorities had captured Olaf. They tell the troupe about their arson of the headquarters, which the Woman gleefully recounts bit by bit. They mention they are headed next to Caligari Carnival to burn an important piece of evidence hidden in a figurine, and then congratulate Olaf when he tells them that he'd already burnt the area. They present them with two gifts- the Snicket File, which they plan to read and burn together, and then the Man presents Esmé with what he believes to be a cigarette, knowing that she likes things that are In, unknowingly providing Sunny with a Verdant Flammable Device.
Sunny uses the device to light a fire with suspicious smoke in order to attract attention. When the Man, Woman, Olaf and Esmé see, they grow angry and threaten to throw Sunny off the mountain, but as she plays the card of innocent infant, the Woman mentions that there would be no reason to throw her off the mountain unless it was necessary. They then declare they must find the last safe place and burn it down, before leaving to scheme with Olaf, as the Woman does not want to discuss their plans in front of Sunny.
Much later, while Violet Baudelaire and Quigley Quagmire are hiding under Olaf's car, the Woman and Man inform him that they need help to spread the net on the ground for their recruitment scheme. Upon Olaf and Esmé complaining, the Woman threatens her, telling her that they will do whatever they say.
The next day, Violet, Quigley and Klaus Baudelaire return, masked, with Esmé Squalor, who they'd planned and failed to capture. They announce they are volunteers who want to trade information for Sunny Baudelaire, and upon hearing they are volunteers, she and the Man give the children a "confused frown," as if unsure whether they should be scared or scornful.
Olaf and Esmé argue over whether or not to trade Sunny for information on the Sugar Bowl, until the Man grows tired and orders them to stop, and the Woman orders that Sunny be brought over. The Sinister Duo then summons their eagles, bragging about their plan to capture the Snow Scouts, and then offering to let the volunteers join them after they tell them where the Sugar Bowl is. When they refuse, the Woman mentions that they'll have no choice, as they will be outnumbered.
The Snow Scouts soon arrive and fall into the trap, and the Man orders the eagles to lift him and the Woman into the air, before she blows a whistle that causes the eagles to scoop up the children in a net. The Woman gloats that they will soon have the Sugar Bowl and be able to fight fire with fire.
- Woman with Hair but No Beard: The Baudelaires have taken off their blindfolds!
- Man with a Beard but No Hair: Yes! They're guilty of contempt of court!
The Woman with Hair but no Beard and the Man with a Beard but No Hair infiltrate the trial at the Hotel Denouement. However, during the Baudelaires' testimony, the children recognize their voices and refuse to play along, removing their blindfolds. The judges announce that the Baudelaires are guilty of contempt of court, while the children beg the audience to peek in order to see the villainous judges, as well as Count Olaf kidnapping Justice Strauss. The crowd bursts into argument as the children escape.
As chaos descends, the children and Olaf set a fire in the hotel's laundry room. When they arrive on the first floor and the children attempt to warn everyone, the Woman pretends that she is interested in capturing Olaf and the Baudelaires and directs everyone to the elevators. Upset at this betrayal, Olaf claims that he always knew the two of them would fail him someday.
It is unknown if she and the Man with a Beard but No Hair survived the Hotel Denouement Fire; however, considering they were on the first floor and aware of the fire, it is likely that they escaped.
Netflix Series Divergent Canon
In the TV series, The Man with a Beard but No Hair and the Woman with Hair but No Beard are first seen in The Slippery Slope: Part One, chasing Kit Snicket around the top of Mount Fraught. After Kit jumps off, the pair runs into Hugo, Colette and Kevin who they threaten with swords. It is later implied that they killed them.
When they visit Olaf, it is revealed they raised him as mentors. They don't congratulate him for perpetrating the fire that burned Caligari Carnival to the ground and revealed that they burnt down the VFD headquarters. At the same time, they were also quite disappointed in Olaf's failures to capture the Baudelaires. Because of this, Olaf attempts to kill Sunny Baudelaire in order to gain their respect, but fails miserably. They actually take a shine to Esmé Squalor, much to Olaf's envy. Olaf is desperate to please her and The Man with a Beard but No Hair, but they continually look down upon him. Later, the Man and Woman are seen watching various fires throughout the City burn.
Although they do not physically appear again until The Penultimate Peril, they arrange the boat that Olaf and his remaining team use to pursue the Baudelaires through the sea. They specifically had the boat arranged for Esmé rather than Olaf, angering him further.
They later appear as Justice Strauss's fellow judges of the high court. Toward the end of The Penultimate Peril episodes, they belittle Olaf for not starting a fire, as he tells them that the smoke they can smell is coming from a barbecue. He claims this in the hopes of having them burn to get revenge for how they treated him. They are never seen again, leaving their fates unknown.
She is portrayed by Beth Grant.
|“||Having an aura of menace is like having a pet weasel, because you rarely meet someone who has one, and when you do it makes you want to hide under the coffee table. An aura of menace is simply a distinct feeling of evil that accompanies the arrival of certain people, and very few individuals are evil enough to produce an aura of menace that is very strong[...] But when two visitors arrived at the highest peak of the Mortmain Mountains, their aura of menace was unmistakable.||”|
In the books, she is described as having an aura of menace first and foremost, scaring even Esmé Squalor and Count Olaf. She is known to have hair, though no facial hair, as well as a deep, low voice and horrible laugh. She and the Man with a Beard but No Hair dress in fireproof suits in order to better cause arson, whihch are made of a shiny blue fabric with two large shoulderpads.
- White-Faced Woman: It was probably difficult for a baby to prepare a hot breakfast without a fire.
- Woman with Hair but No Beard: But there is a fire.
|“||It's good to see you, Olaf. I was worried that the authorities might have captured you.||”|
— Chapter Six
- Count Olaf: The Snicket file!
- Woman with Hair but No Beard: It's all here. Every chart, every map and every photograph from the only file that could put us all in jail.
- Count Olaf: The older orphans have it, but I'm fairly certain they're dead.
- Woman with Hair but No Beard: Then all our problems have gone up in smoke.
|“||Besides, there's no reason to toss a baby off a mountain unless you absolutely have to.||”|
— Chapter Nine
|“||The last safe place. We have to find it and burn it down.||”|
— Chapter Nine
|“||Not in front of the toothy orphan. If she learned what we were up to, she'd never sleep again, and you need your infant servant full of energy. Send her away, and we'll make our plans.||”|
— Chapter Nine
- Esmé Squalor: Why should we do it?
- The Woman with Hair but No Beard: You'll do it, because I say so.
|“||It's hard to find everything in all those ashes. We searched for days and couldn't find the sugar bowl.||”|
— Chapter Ten
- Man with a Beard but No Hair: That's enough! Our recruitment scheme is about to be put into action. We can't have you arguing all day long.
- Count Olaf, timidly: We wouldn't have argued all day long. After a few hours--
- Woman with Hair but No Beard: Look at these creatures! When the schism occurred, you may have won the carrier crows, volunteers, and you may have won the trained reptiles.
- Count Olaf: Not anymore. All of the reptiles except one--
|“||In that case, there's no reason to worry about that stupid baby any longer.||”|
— Chapter Thirteen
- Woman with Hair but No Beard: You get the sugar bowl from those bratty orphans, Olaf, and we'll all meet up at the last safe place!
- Man with a Beard but No Hair: With these eagles at our disposal, we can finally catch up to that self-sustaining hot air mobile home and destroy those volunteers!
|“||Go on. Justice Strauss was merely being thoughtful.||”|
— Chapter Eleven
- Woman with Hair but No Beard: What are you waiting for, orphans?
- Man with a Beard but No Hair: Yes. Continue your story.
|“||Justice Strauss is enjoying a piece of saltwater taffy! That's why she's talking in hmms!||”|
— Chapter Twelve
- Man with a Beard but No Hair: The children are trying to trick you! Keep your blindfolds on!
- Woman with Hair but No Beard: Yes! They'e trying to get all noble people arrested by the authorities!
— Chapter Twelve
- Man with a Beard but No Hair: The authorities are guarding the entrance! The Baudelaires are running toward the elevatos! Capture them!
- Woman with Hair but No Beard: But don't capture anyone else who happens to be standing near the elevators!
|“||In the elevator!||”|
— Chapter Thirteen