|“||Justice Strauss is fine. She made that noise because she's enjoying a delicious piece of saltwater taffy.||”|
— The Woman covering up the abduction of Justice Strauss
The Woman With Hair But No Beard is a villainess that first appears in The Slippery Slope. She has an "aura of menace" that even frightens Count Olaf, and Lemony Snicket refuses to write down her name. She is described as having a low, deep voice.
Before the VFD schism, the Woman With Hair But No Beard had an infant servant, whom she may have murdered.
When VFD was torn apart by a schism, the Woman with Hair but No Beard joined the firestarting side. She and the Man with a Beard but No Hair became incredibly infamous figures, so much so that in writing the accounts of the Baudelaires, Lemony Snicket cannot bring himself to say their names. They have such an aura of menace that even other firestarters, such as Count Olaf and Esmé Squalor, are frightened of them.
She and the Man were high court judges, and got information about the Baudelaires from Justice Strauss, who did not understand their connections to VFD.
She and the Man stole the trained eagles from the Volunteers.
The Slippery Slope
They plan to kidnap the Snow Scouts and recruit them as firestarters, as well as kill their parents and burn down their homes, before meeting at the Hotel Denouement. After the eagles kidnap the Snow Scouts, the Man and Woman have the eagles carry them off.
The Penultimate Peril
She and The Man with a Beard But No Hair are present for the Baudelaires' and Olaf's court hearing as judges, rigging it in Olaf's favor. When they kidnap Justice Strauss, the Baudelaires remove their blindfolds and beg everyone to do the same, which causes the Woman and Man to find them guilty of contempt of court.
When the Hotel Denouement Fire is started, the Woman With Hair But No Beard is last seen on the first floor directing Frank Denouement and Ernest Denouement toward the elevator to help them capture Olaf. It is unknown if she survived the Hotel Denouement Fire.
Netflix Series Divergent Canon
In the TV series, The Man with a Beard but No Hair and the Woman with Hair but No Beard are first seen in The Slippery Slope: Part One, chasing Kit Snicket around the top of Mount Fraught. After Kit jumps off, the pair runs into Hugo, Colette and Kevin who they threaten with swords. It is later implied that they killed them.
When they visit Olaf, it is revealed they raised him as mentors. They don't congratulate him on his destroying of Caligari Carnival and reveal that it was them who burnt down the VFD headquarters while also being quite disappointed in his failures to capture the Baudelaires. Because of this, Olaf attempts to kill Sunny Baudelaire in order to gain their respect, but fails. They actually take a shine to Esmé Squalor, much to Olaf's envy. Olaf is desperate to please her and The Man with a Beard but No Hair, but they continually look down upon him. Later, the Man and Woman are seen watching various fires throughout the City burn.
Although they do not physically appear again until The Penultimate Peril, they arrange the boat that Olaf and his remaining team use to pursue the Baudelaires through the sea. They specifically had the boat arranged for Esmé rather than Olaf, angering him further.
They later appear as Justice Strauss's fellow judges of the high court. Toward the end of The Penultimate Peril episodes, they belittle Olaf for not starting a fire, as he tells them that the smoke they can smell is coming from a barbecue. He claims this in the hopes of having them burn to get revenge for how they treated him. They are never seen again, leaving their fates unknown.
She is portrayed by Beth Grant.
- Her identity has been speculated to be the female chaperone that attempted to kidnap Lemony in ATWQ (Ghede).
- Another theory is that she is S. Theodora Markson due to her wild hair.
- Dewey Denouement interviewed her math teacher at one point.